No Pictures

There are several ways we fail as parents and forgetting to take our camera out these days is definitely on the list. Like this weekend, our first sailing overnight of the season would have been a good time to take some photos. Oh well. We'll call it imagination building.

I did want to make sure though, that we have written down at least the loveliness of this weekend. We went up to the Centre Bay outstation on Saturday afternoon and all made it home alive after lunch today. The weather has been the best kind of summer weather - hot and sunny all day long. The outstation was packed with lots of people we know and lots of babes all Talia's age and therefore lots of parents negotiating sleep and food in the heat. As it turned out, we were also probably negotiating more molar teething so our girl was a wicked combination of hot, sleepy and teethy - not an ideal frame of mind, but boat living caught up with her and I think she managed to have fun anyway.

She splashed in a dinghy-turned-swimming-pool with neighbour Quinn and later had a swim in our rubbermaid container. She tried a swim with Daddy off the dock but being lowered into the depths seemed to be a bit more than she could handle so that experiment was short-lived. She slept (after lots of songs and back scratches) in the very forwardest part of the v-berth. I spent the night in there with her but probably "sleep" would be a generous description of my night's activities - T. is a noisy sleeper with lots of tossing and turning to remind us why she has her own room and bed.

It was such a nice weekend and I was just full of thankfulness that this gets to be part of our lives together. Every year we wonder if we can afford to keep the boat, if we're foolish to hold on to something that never gets enough of our time and effort and needs so much of our money and every year after the first trip I think, "Yep, we can do this. This is good for us."

So there it is, that's our first holiday of the year. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Canada Day Milestones

Wowza. Three in one day. And a national holiday at that. What a girl.

So, first thing, she took 6 steps in a row by herself. Now technically, this a repeat of a trick done on June 28th, but only Scott saw that one so of course it didn't count. Sadly, he was at work on Tuesday and didn't witness this version, so technically it doesn't count either. Ergo, if anyone asks, no she still isn't walking.

Okay, then later in the day we were having dinner at mom and dad's and she ate turkey. Again, something she's done before but I have been feeling quite failure-y about feeding this girl, particularly in the protein/iron department and the meat eating has been very... intermittent? at best. Karen has suggested several times a thick cut of deli meat cut into strips and I have resisted - surely deli meat is a terrible, terrible thing? But alas, I saw organic roast turkey in the Save-On deli counter and decided that since Karen has been right about most things, perhaps I should give it a try. And of course, she LOVES it. Has had it at dinner 3 nights in a row. Between that and the dried apricots and raisins, I think we've got the iron counts covered.

And then finally, my girl signed for the first time. Now we are a bit... let's call it lazy? about signing. Scott is much better at it than I am but we've been at it since she started eating with the basics - please, thank you, more. I had heard that you could expect babes to start picking it up as early as 8 months, maybe more like 10 or 11. So here we are at 13 months with NOTHING. And then came out the bowl of watermelon... and voila, the girl can sign 'more'. Witness the cuteness below.

Quote of the Day

"God really screwed me. He gave me a dancer's heart, but not a dancer's body."

Scott Johnson

Father's Day Lessons

1. Sweet Potatoes do not require as much time in the microwave as regular potatoes.

2. I should probably always live with 2 firefighters so that the likelihood of one being available to extinguish any fires I may or may not set is increased.

3. A fire in a microwave makes that microwave unusable. Every time.*

4. Do not run for help leaving 1 year old daughter alone in home with burning household appliance. Scott was really insistent about this one.

* This lesson is actually a repeat from my last pregnancy when I managed to light Red River cereal on fire in the microwave. We are now at one microwave per pregnancy. Scott says this is why we're only having 2 kids.

I love Father's Day! What a nice day to remember what a good gift my daughter has in her dear old dad. I have said before that I have never really worried about whether or not Scott would be a good father - you just kind of know he would watching him live his life. But I truly had no idea how great a father he would turn out to be.

Partly it's the practical stuff. He just does it all (why does this surprise me? I knew he could, I just didn't think he would...) He does diapers and every single bath time and most bedtimes. He gets up often in the night (happily, this is required less often these days), and does wake up as often as he's home to do it. He changes outfits and chooses meals and packs a mean diaper bag for excursions out. He tells goodnight stories about dream bunnies and sings Jimmy Buffet hits and rocks out in the car.

But mostly, it's the lovely other stuff. He laughs at her jokes, and snuggles her up. He always says, Hello Talia! as he walks in the door and scoops her up for a big hug. He tells her he loves her and how special she is, every night. He delights in who she is, all the time. What could be a better thing for a dad to do for a daughter?

It is a wonderful thing to watch these two love each other. It is truly a very Happy Father's Day for Talia and me.

A few photo hits from this last year...

Riddle

Q: What has 2 arms, 2 legs, a heartbeat of 158 and is coming at Christmas?

A: Talia's competition.

I'm One!!

Today my sweet girl is one! One whole year since she arrived. Such a lovely year, really. It has gone really quickly and nice and slowly all at the same time.

I remember thinking when I was pregnant with her that she was a funny girl, and she really is turning out to be a jokester. She laughs a lot and enjoys a good trick or two. She likes to dance and sing, either along with music or just all on her own. Our friends in Roots of Empathy all say she is very adventurous and I think that's probably true - she is a climber and a tryer-outer of all things. I think she probably gets that from her dad.

She is still an avid crawler and not too keen on walking yet. She is so efficient crawling that i can't really blame her - walking must seem like a terrible hassle. I don't worry about it too much except when I have to clean her shoes and put her back in pants with holes in the knees.

To celebrate her birthday, we had a family celebration on Sunday with Grandma and Grandpa Johnson, Grandma and Poppa, Auntie Barb and Kenny and Caitlynn and Uncle Terry, Auntie Chelsea and baby Ellie. Quite lovely as it turns out. Then today, the actual day, we went into her room together this morning for first cuddles. Daddy told her the story of the day she was born and then they had breakfast. Later that morning, we went swimming with Cezanne and Bjorn and then she went to spend a few hours with Grandma while Mummy had a pedicure! When we got home, there was a brand-new pool in the living room and a card from Daddy (apparently, he wants all the glory?). And then tonight, dinner at the White Spot in honour of the White Spot burgers we had after she was born which was in honour of the White Spot burgers my mum had after I was born.

And now the photos. These are from her birthday party.

Today she is one. Tomorrow, one and a bit. Love it!

Mother's Day, Sailpast and Almost One

Well, this first photo is mostly meant to note Scott's awesome sailor look for Sailpast at the yacht club this year. The jacket and collar looked hot but were quickly replaced with fleece and gortex once the wind came up and the sailing got serious. It was quite the adventure, with Scott single-handing the boat in at least 15 knots of wind, and me holding on to T. while we heeled over a good 45 degrees... remember how we're going to tether her in? Yeah, still got to get that set up.

At the end of it all, it was a great adventure and Talia was just fine, even in the cold and the wind and with all the sail noise. Hopefully next year, she can help her dad with the tacking...




While we haven't yet got the harness and eye-hook with which to tether her in, we did find a convenient spot to stow her while tidying up and getting food ready. She didn't seem to mind TOO much...



For Mother's Day, my daughter and husband let me choose where to go for breakfast, so we went to WHITE SPOT! Don't ask, it just sounded good. And it was! We had Eggs Benedict and a whole carafe of orange juice and Talia was charming to the server and ate her toast and banana. It was a really nice start to the day, followed by lunch with Scott's Mum and dinner with my Mum. All the mum's got celebrated and it was just plain nice.





Finally, this last cute picture was taken by Cezanne. That's Bjorn in the background - he has been over a few times to play in the yard with us and it is quite funny watching these two "play" together. It is mostly a toy management exercise but thankfully we have very few to choose from so the negotiations aren't too complicated. That said, expect to see a massive toy development program implemented soon. Talia has become very toddler-y quite suddenly and not having things for her to do makes it difficult to keep her from doing the things she ought not to do. Like play with Windex and climb up on the fireplace and pull the keys off the computer.

Talia will be one in less than a week. She is still an avid crawler who clearly thinks walking is for chumps. She will humour me for about 4 steps if I try to walk her somewhere before dropping to her knees and taking off on her own. She has recently mastered climbing up on things and made quite an adventure out of getting from the floor to the ottoman to the pinnacle of the coffee table.
She is also very chatty and in the last month seems to have transitioned from babbling to very purposeful word-making. She has very distinct words for 'ball', 'baby', 'banana', 'doggie', 'daddy', and 'grandma' (which it turns out is "mum-mum" - I'm trying not to take it personally). Probably a few more but I don't remember them.

This weekend is the birthday "party" and I mean that in the loosest way possible. And then just 2 days after that, my girl is one...

Eleven Months In

Well, the ear infection seems to be mostly better and the croupy gasping at night I'm assured is nothing to worry about. It's good I like my doctor so much because I've sure seen lots of her.

Today was a play date with Bjorn and Cezanne. Bjorn is about 2 months younger than T. but we're getting to the point where it's a lot less noticeable. I wouldn't say they play well together, but they have yet to seriously injure each other, so that's a good sign. Mostly "play" consists of Talia grabbing whatever her friend has or alternately grabbing at their person and harassing them. Oddly, Bjorn wasn't so keen on all this "play" and found ways to escape his new "friend".

Is it too soon to get her into counselling for being a bully?

Good thing she is cute though. A few pics for your enjoyment. Kate.

So, Maybe I'm a Tad Self-Involved

Right. So it's possible that the reason she wasn't eating wasn't necessarily about me so much as about her ears being infected. That's right. Both ears. Really infected.

I have no further comment.

I Want to Quit Feeding Her

It's too hard. I had a big old cry about it this morning and decided it's time to quit. We can go back to food when she's ready to make it herself. Surely she can survive on that nice formula until she's what, 6? 7?

This morning it was a big 'no thank-you' to banana and yogurt which is sometimes eaten. Yesterday she ate 3 meals of milupa and apricots which I believe she was supposed to give up at 8 months? Or maybe never have had to begin with (I don't even read the ingredients because it's too disheartening to know what chemicals I am already putting in her because the plain brown rice cereal just grossed me out).

There are 2 parts to my quitting-ness over this. One is the hassle. Frankly, I am tired of boiling 8 noodles and throwing out 7 of them over the next 2 days. Steaming carrots and sweet potatoes that she mostly throws on the floor. Throwing out cans of beans. I know I should be more resourceful and eat the shit she doesn't but it is so freaking unappetizing to eat anything you've seen undigested in a diaper that I may be off bananas, beans and carrots forever. I read the awesome cook books from Katie and Megan and know that I could be feeding her lamb curry and moussaka by now and think of all the flavours she'll never know because I didn't introduce them before now. To say nothing of the eating disorder she'll have sensing my anxiety over food.

The other part is the failure part. Feeding this girl has been a bit of a failure-filled area from the beginning and it seems like a kind of essential thing to get right. I think I could have lived with not getting her exposed to Mandarin and Japanese early enough for her to learn the language on her own but fucking up her food life seems... serious. It's worsened by the confused faces of my mother and mother-in-law who know the way that would have worked and try to be kind with my bowls of black beans but sneak in warmed up rice cereal whenever they're alone with her. Well, that and french fries. But I hate jarred veggies. HATE jarred meat. I don't WANT to give her that shit. I want her to eat what I'm giving her and make my way right. I want this to work. Damn. You know it's the same problem over and over again, isn't it? Fuck. Well, nothing a little crying won't fix.

Ugh. It is so difficult to be kind. Kind to myself, kind to others. I watch other parents and look for the ways they're screwing up so I won't feel so bad, and then I look at me and find all the ways I'm screwing up and feel even worse. It's a bad strategy. Do you suppose I'll figure it out anytime soon? I doubt it.

Looks like today is a low day. Good thing it's sunny. At least we'll get to play outside. And maybe have more fucking rice cereal for lunch.

My Feet Don't Touch

A cloudy Saturday morning is as good a time for a cry as any, isn't it? I just watched my daughter fall asleep and it made me teary. Go figure. I guess every once in a while I feel up close just how dear she is. Dear, like expensive. Like worth a lot. Like treasured.

Oh, that was a good cry. I just deleted a paragraph of thought on that because it was just too private and vulnerable, and some of this just has to be mine. But it good to every once in a while realize my feet don't touch the bottom of this deep ocean of love that we all swim in*. The moments when we remember we can float in it are so sweet...

My girl is of course, lovely. This week she started clapping. She thinks it is VERY funny to clap and then blow kisses. Somehow they are tied together in her mind because she rarely does one without the other. And she does neither on command. They seem to be spontaneously triggered by what, I don't know. But suddenly it will cross her mind, "you know, I can clap - can I still do it? oh yeah - man, this is funny stuff," and then she is clapping and laughing away. Such a nut. She has also started pointing to show things she wants, mostly at mealtimes. We sign to her in the hopes that sooner or later she'll get a bit more specific, but since I only know the sign for "food" generically and "water", really I don't know how helpful that's going to be.

Also, after weeks of sleeping through the night, she has started to wake up ravenous in the middle of the night. She had given up on rice cereal lately so we believe that she's just not getting as full during the day as she used to and she's probably also having a growth spurt. So today I am going to be shoveling calories into her. Big smears of cream cheese on the bagel this morning, another attempt at rice cereal for lunch and then noodles and turkey meatballs for dinner. We'll see how it works. Katie sent a great cookbook of yum baby meals so we're trying some of those out too. Here's hoping she gets full again though. I REALLY like sleeping all night.

That is Talia at 10 months. Love it. Love it, love it, love it.


*This may be one of my favourite things I've ever written. Huh.

When Moisturizer Goes Wrong

So I'm having some major safety issues. As in, I have no idea what is safe. This was not so much of a problem when she was wee and mostly immobile but with her new-found exploring mobility, we are finding ourselves in a heap of trouble.

This morning, our first call to Poison Control. I thought the tube of moisturizer was a safe play thing. In fact, it keeps her hands busy during most diaper changes. So she's playing away with it while I put something away in the kitchen and when I turn around next, the top is off and she's got a big smear of moisturizer across her lip. She seems happy enough and she's not making "I've got icky lotion in my mouth" faces, but who knows right? So I grab the bottle and read the back to see if I should be worried and right there on the back in bold no less, "Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center immediately."

Okay, so I'm a bit concerned, but mostly not really because it's a product made to be spread all over a baby's body and surely the makers realize that it's going to make it to a baby's mouth eventually, so probably it's not straight up poison. But just to be safe I'll call. Sure enough, the lady on the other end of the phone has a nice giggle and we agree together that the oats are just a bit more breakfast this morning and no harm, no foul.

Mostly, I think about how I'll tell this story on my blog.

But then slowly, I start thinking, "My God. You're going to kill her."

I would say on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm about an 8 when it comes to fear about my own personal safety. I don't like skiing or bicycle riding or roller blading because I can't stop and I'm afraid of getting hurt stopping against a very unyielding object. I, of course, am terrified of fire but mostly of getting burned. I can not jump off diving boards higher than about 18 inches off the surface of the water.

However, with my daughter, I am fearless. Sure she can climb up a lawn chair. No problem, playing with my hair dryer cord. Want to try climbing up into the playhouse out back - give 'er. Scott doesn't want her playing in the dishwasher because he sees it is unsafe - knives, dishwasher soap, to say nothing of gross dried up food items. But me, I think "fun exploring".

I think maybe in my desperation to not have a daughter paralyzed by fear as I believe myself to be, I may be exposing her to inappropriate risk. This becomes its own terrification for me.

Parenting is a funny gig if you're even halfway paying attention, in that it seems to be a constant balancing of my issues against her issues-to-be. Right now the questions are about safety, but soon they'll be about respectfulness of others or self-esteem or community action and each time it will require seeing who I am and who I wish I was and somehow balancing that against who she is and not imposing who I wish she was. Because surely that's the most dangerous thing: trying to raise her to be who I wish I was.

Crawling Home

Six days home and I still feel like we just got back. I think that's a good sign, a lingering holiday feeling. Talia returned to 'normal', whatever today's definition of that is, within a day so that feels extra lucky. I think she's wondering what happened to all the people though. Every morning she wakes up and looks very hopefully out her bedroom door, pointing to where she thinks the action is and saying "Doh?" Not sure what it means, but I think it's something like "more fun out there?"

The timing of this holiday (March instead of January) is kind of nice - we left in winter and came back in spring. Scott limed the lawn this week and is heading out to prepare the beds for planting. Hosta heads are peeking through the soil, next to the deep red peony beginnings. Our mostly dead maple is being a tiny bit alive and I got to show T. the budding leaves - her first Spring moment! I'll post some photos of the garden next time I guess, to match this post. But for now, a few last pictures from Hawaii, for the record.

Aloha Addiction

Yes, this lifestyle is easy to get used to. Wake, eat, swim, read, eat, read, eat, eat, sleep. Probably I should swim more. Talia does indeed love all the swimming and is doing a formidable job of going, going, going, despite perhaps inadequate rest.

Scott would be resting better if there weren't irrigation systems being set up everywhere he looks, reminding him of the work that awaits him when he gets home. A bit of a drag, but I'm trying to keep him clear of that as much as possible. And making sprinkler jokes when I can remember. You'd be surprised how few sprinkler jokes there are though. If you know any, please pass them along.

We are also slowly coming to terms with the truth that a holiday is not so much a holiday once a baby is invited to join in. There is no holiday from her, God bless her. This should not be bad news and probably long-term it isn't, but this morning after another too short sleep both Scott and I are wondering why we brought her. Or if maybe she could just stay at another hotel for a few nights so that we can actually rest. If I'm going to be tired and cranky with a tired and cranky husband, I guess this is probably a really nice place to be.

How wrong is it to complain about 10 day in Hawaii?

Okay, so now just more photos and maybe a video or two for fun too. I mean, there is fun here.

And yes, I am on this vacation... even though this pains me.

But we must end on a cute note, musn't we?