Nate

Poor kid - I ran out of memory on our camera and have no new photos to post but thought I should at least make a note of his great strides and development.

He is lying on his playmat as I speak, punching at the toys hanging over him. This seems like the beginning of training his hands to follow his brain. Earlier today in the nursery at church, he rolled over front to back. Like Talia, this looks mostly like falling to the side and ending up on his back due to the laws of physics and gravity but whatever - we're calling it rolling over, one day shy of three months. His sister was three and a half months old before she figured this out. Finally, he's first!

My son is a delight. He remains pretty mellow and easy going. He is a snappy dresser thanks to many generous friends who are passing along clothes. He sleeps like a baby, up once or twice a night which is manageable in a general sense but of course terrible in a specific, "I have to get out of bed AGAIN?" sense. He is starting to talk lots, especially to the two toys he is currently bashing about. He has a great smile, but a better smirk. He looks like nobody we know.

Talia meanwhile is easing out of toddlerhood and into whatever comes next. She talks a LOT. She sings even more. She knows the last word of every line of "If I Had a Boat" by Lyle Lovett (Jimmy Buffett version of course) and we do that duet several times a day. She can recognize all the letters in the alphabet and knows several colours but prefers to call most of them red or green. She counts "one, two, five, six." She likes crayons and books and baths.

There is so much more but the shine is wearing off the playmat for young Nate. Maybe I'll remember to do this again sometime.

Another Moment to Remember

Yesterday Heidi came over. For 10 hours. That's a long visit.

It was bliss.

She arrived with lunch and snacks. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep in his basinette. She read books with Talia while I showered. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep again. She read books with Talia while I fed Nate. She told me my daughter was smart and that my son was cute. She made me feel like a good mother.

One day I will pay this forward.

But tonight I am thankful. That was a good gift.

Okay Mummy

Yesterday morning I sat on my couch and said a bit weepily to my husband, "I'm not doing so well." My daughter who was playing nearby, walked over, put her hand on my chest and said, "Okay Mummy." Oh yes, Mummy is okay. Daddy is okay. Talia is okay. Nate is okay. We're all okay. Why do I keep forgetting?

As I unpacked this relentless sureness that I'm failing, flailing most days of late, I still couldn't reconcile how okay I feel against how despairing I am. There is none of the heaviness of depression, or the wound-up-ness of anxiety. Just weepy crying, on-going sadness. So am I sad because I feel like I'm failing, or do I feel like I'm failing because I'm sad? That remains unanswered.

I do know that in this mood, nothing is good enough, even for me. Our un-matching furniture, my daugher's wardrobe, my hair... all leave me feeling more failure-y than normal. I am less able to see the things that usually give me rest or peace. Truthfully, I can't even remember what those things are right now and I am too mad to make myself remember them.

I remember feeling like I wanted to quit with Talia. If I wasn't so lazy I would find the post, probably written in August and September of 2007 where I whined about needing for it to end, whatever it was at the time. Sadly, knowing this is normal and part of the process for me is no help. So all I can do is make another record of this moment. Probably as important as Talia knowing who the president is.

And so it is noted. Right now life is difficult, but as Talia reminds me, Mummy is okay. Or at least will be.