What God Does

Some things to remember about what God does.

One thing is that God answers prayers. Or maybe it's that God sometimes tells us the thing to pray for that he is about to provide so that we will know that's he's in the midst. I like that explanation because it means that God starts it all up anyway.

So Friday morning was the breaking point. A sleepless night, very reminiscent of the old-school pre-engagement anxiety days where I completely lost the ability to turn them off. Them being those anxious, worried, interminable thoughts about all that is going wrong. A 7am cry with my husband, confessing that I had crossed the line from "normal concern" to "out of control, raging anxiety disordered thinking". Finally, a request to Jesus that he provide a doctor's appointment with a doctor who would be definitive and helpful and arrange an ultrasound and be clear about what was going on.

9am, go to the clinic and request a doctor with some prenatal experience and get Cara Wilson-Somethinglong. I describe the pain in my abdomen and my anxiety and she actually palpates and asks questions. And says that she thinks it is most likely cystic pain from the follicle that released the egg that should still be there pumping out progesterone to keep the pregancy going until my body takes over in 6 - 8 weeks. But if it will help me, she can arrange an ultrasound to rule out the ectopic pregnancy I've diagnosed myself with.

Asks nurse to set up "urgent" ultrasound. Nurse comes back and says that there can be no ultrasound until 6 weeks, then pages OB on call to find out how to proceed. OB consults with dr and says that it is likely that everything is fine but to be sure, do 2 serial beta HCGs - measure pregnancy hormones 2 different days and difference in numbers will suggest either all is going as it should, or it isn't.

Dr. orders said labwork and suggests to also schedule 6 week scan.

Abdominal pain has since eased, confirming the power of "all in your head". Not gone but less mind-stealing.

So God provides exactly what I pray for, including TWO doctors who are clear about how to be clear about what's happening, rest from the anxiety that was ruining me and an ultrasound in a week or so.

And then a phone call from Shannon full of comfort and reminders about investing in hope, and then an email from Megan in Minnesota saying she was thinking about me, and of course I think that counts as prayer.

So God provides prayers to be prayed asking for exactly what will be given, and old friends and new friends to meet the moments' need for comfort and proof all over the place from New Jersey to Minnesota to 14th Street that he is in the midst of this and doing what he can to make it bearable for me.

That's a good God right there.

Nothin'

So there's nothing today. I have lots of funny jokes but don't want to make them (see previous post re: jinxing). Just another day of not being able to think of anything else.

Well, and my boss came to work with some anonymous infectious disease and while I tried not to convey too much panic, I think I was clear about the value of recuperating fully before returning to work. What does rubella look like anyway?

Okay. That's all today warrants so far.

Is Jinxing Real?

One problem with being a tiny bit crazy is that ... well, you act a tiny bit crazy. One of my many crazinesses is a strong belief in the power of jinxing. You know, like when you say 5 minutes into the third period of a 4 - 0 hockey game, "Looks like they've got this one locked up" and then your team's defense falls apart and suddenly they're in overtime and this could be just one more crushing disappointment?

Yeah, so one of the ways I don't jinx things (in addition to not admitting a team I'm cheering for may win until the parking lot is empty) is by not doing things that might let the universe know that something good may or may not be happening near me. Kind of Chinese of me I think. Or is that Greek? I think all the best cultures have some variation of this, so probably both.

Anyway, all this to say that the current manifestation of this is a reluctance to do things like say, call a doctor. Or talk about the possibility of still being not unpregnant tomorrow, or in a few months. Scott said something about ... I don't know, I blocked it, but the subtext was that there would be a baby in our house at some point, and I about lost my mind! "SHHHhhh! Don't say things like that! They might hear you."

Hmm. So I guess I am writing this to say that if you are reading this ("you" being one of 3 people who know of the existence of this blog) maybe you could talk to God about delivering me from this. Because I'm pretty sure it's not healthy, and probably there is a better way to decide things like when to start not eating sushi than when they're not looking.

The part of me that knows that this is ridiculous knows that God isn't waiting for me to say the magic combination of words that unlocks the trap door marked MISCARRIAGE. That God is mostly just hanging out in here wondering when I'm going to stop looking around the room for the bad guys out to get me, and just enjoy this current gift. Because if the trap door gets sprung, I think probably he'll still be nearby saying something Comforter-like. Not laughing maniacally (how on earth is that spelled??), saying "I can't believe she fell for it!"

Probably he won't do that. Right?

Pray on friends.

Before Bed...

I went to the neighbour's crazy prayer room tonight. And maybe God said something. Maybe when I told him that I was really trying to trust him with this baby* but that it was so hard because I while I knew he was mostly trustworthy, I wasn't sure he was entirely trustworthy. And by that I meant, willing to do what I want him to do.

And as I wept in the face of my own faith-full unfaithfulness God said giving her** over to me tonight is only first time of many times you will have to do this. It will be hard everytime. That this wasn't a test to pass or fail, just a truth.

So in letters on an anonymous, unread blog, I say as publicly as I can tonight "She is yours. I trust you."

Yikes.


*First typed use of "baby".

** I use the female pronoun throughout mostly because that's what comes to mind when I think about it. I don't pretend it to be prophetic, just convenient and quicker to type than he/she, her/him.

There was Life

It is fearsome to put some things into writing.

I am currently not unpregant. Those are probably the most accurate words I have right now. I have known this for about 50 hours now. I am fine. Except for the times when I'm terrified. Or when I'm not working. Or when I can't think about anything else. Or when I think I might be spotting. Or cramping. Or not feeling anything at all. Other than that, I'm totally fine.

But I want a record. Just in case. Stranger things have happened, right?

So there is much lovely about this moment in our lives. There is Scott who researches things on the internet after forbidding me to do so and tells me the good news bits. He also prays for me and that's nice too because he keeps saying the things my heart wants God to hear from us but that I can't just say by myself.

There is Jolie who lives next door and can pray and cry right away and be encouraging of acting normal and waiting. Who thinks that God probably loves us too.

There is my mom who is wandering around with seaweed in her pocket. Will we ever look at sushi the same?

This kind of waiting is not like all the waiting we've done before. I guess over these last 22 months, there was always the possibility of a positive outcome. And the negative was pretty familiar, pretty quickly.

Now the waiting is for a whole world of unknown, no matter what happens. I would list all the bad things but that would do none of us any good. But in the immediate short term, the waiting is only for tragedy. I can't get past the next hour or so in my mind and the next hour can only bring something bad. Or nothing I guess. Or I guess that nothing is actually one more hour of good news.

So, 50 hours of good news so far with just 3 minutes of spotting.

You'd think it would be obvious, wouldn't you?