Initial reports: lymph nodes clear, liver clear.
Coffee and lunch and general distraction by KPH. Childcare and visiting by Auntie Cana. Dinner made by sweet Mar K - I forgot how lovely those "too bad you're sick" dinners are. I should make them for people. Phone calls from several, emails from many, kindness from all.
I remain convinced that Goodness is all around. The outcome is glad-making to be sure and perhaps a different report would change everything. But I don't think so. I think Goodness is not in the circumstance ever, but in the presence, always. The presence is the promise and it shows up in Our People. Our People are the presence and either we lean into them and practice the comfort of heaven here on earth, or we wait for the circumstance to become Good and miss it all.
I think this might be one of my truest Trues. Nothing this week changes my mind, and I can't help but think that if anything was going to erode the foundation, it would have been this week.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Accidental Mass Annihilation
As most of you must know by now, I am a big fan of lowering the bar. A discipline of low expectations is the surest path to happiness I know. And Lord knows, I love a good discipline.
Now 2011 has not started off ...well. One might be tempted to say that in fact, it has started off poorly. Normally, I would say that the good news is that it can only improve, but given the facts we're dealing with, improvement in the short-term (<365 days) seems unlikely. How then to succeed?
Lower the bar!
Imagine the thrill then, when I discovered my Oxen horoscope for The Year of the Rabbit here. This is great reading, and if you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend it. However, in case you're short on time, my favourite line: "Speculating into the whole year calculation, the fortunes for the ox this year have several obstructions, it is difficult to feel smooth, you may prone to insomnia or accidental mass annihilation."
Yep! All I have to do is avoid 'accidental mass annihilation'. And if I fail, surely it is required that I too be annihilated in this accidental event?
This is probably telling you something, that this is my Good News for the day, but damn it, it is and I'm going to enjoy it.
Now 2011 has not started off ...well. One might be tempted to say that in fact, it has started off poorly. Normally, I would say that the good news is that it can only improve, but given the facts we're dealing with, improvement in the short-term (<365 days) seems unlikely. How then to succeed?
Lower the bar!
Imagine the thrill then, when I discovered my Oxen horoscope for The Year of the Rabbit here. This is great reading, and if you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend it. However, in case you're short on time, my favourite line: "Speculating into the whole year calculation, the fortunes for the ox this year have several obstructions, it is difficult to feel smooth, you may prone to insomnia or accidental mass annihilation."
Yep! All I have to do is avoid 'accidental mass annihilation'. And if I fail, surely it is required that I too be annihilated in this accidental event?
This is probably telling you something, that this is my Good News for the day, but damn it, it is and I'm going to enjoy it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Ten Days
If it had been 40 Days, I guess I could have called it a fast, right?
Ten Days. A Spiritual Discipline of Silence? Blog Silence? almost.
There were too many words for all that has happened. Keeping them untyped seemed like a requirement, not only for the reasons written in my last post, but for adequate percolation. Some thoughts have to sit still for a time to become fully thought. I think. I suppose 'percolation' and sitting still don't really work together. See, I'm getting rusty.
Also, there was also a need to remember (decide?) what this blog is about. I don't want it to be a blog about Two Moms With Cancer, because dear Lord, let my life be bigger than that. And yet obviously, surely, something must be said about having Two Moms With Cancer. Oh, the dilemma.
But, no dilemma really, because I am quick to remember that my passion is Me! So back to me!
Well first, both of our mothers have cancer. They were diagnosed within days of each other. Were you to need more details than that, I do hope you would find a way to let me know and I could find a way to let you know. It is hard not to take this turn of events personally. I realize both of our mothers believe that it is Their Event, but no, it would seem this is about Me. If it isn't in the strictest sense, you will all be heartened to know that I have done an admirable job of making it so in the most casual, yet all-consuming sense.
One thing that of course I am enjoying, is that I was right. It wasn't me then, but it is me now. And I do remember that the Good is True. So far. In fairness, the Hard isn't as hard as it's probably going to get, but it's pretty fucking hard and I can still say that there is Good. That's pretty good, right?
This is the upside to not having a personal theology that requires success as proof of God's approval, that trusts that All is Well even when most things suck. Because when things start to suck and life is looking pretty fucking dreary, there is no crisis that God is Not, that God has Failed, that God is an Asshole. There's just the reassurance that God Is and therefore All is Indeed Well.
I'll let you know how long it lasts.
Ten Days. A Spiritual Discipline of Silence? Blog Silence? almost.
There were too many words for all that has happened. Keeping them untyped seemed like a requirement, not only for the reasons written in my last post, but for adequate percolation. Some thoughts have to sit still for a time to become fully thought. I think. I suppose 'percolation' and sitting still don't really work together. See, I'm getting rusty.
Also, there was also a need to remember (decide?) what this blog is about. I don't want it to be a blog about Two Moms With Cancer, because dear Lord, let my life be bigger than that. And yet obviously, surely, something must be said about having Two Moms With Cancer. Oh, the dilemma.
But, no dilemma really, because I am quick to remember that my passion is Me! So back to me!
Well first, both of our mothers have cancer. They were diagnosed within days of each other. Were you to need more details than that, I do hope you would find a way to let me know and I could find a way to let you know. It is hard not to take this turn of events personally. I realize both of our mothers believe that it is Their Event, but no, it would seem this is about Me. If it isn't in the strictest sense, you will all be heartened to know that I have done an admirable job of making it so in the most casual, yet all-consuming sense.
One thing that of course I am enjoying, is that I was right. It wasn't me then, but it is me now. And I do remember that the Good is True. So far. In fairness, the Hard isn't as hard as it's probably going to get, but it's pretty fucking hard and I can still say that there is Good. That's pretty good, right?
This is the upside to not having a personal theology that requires success as proof of God's approval, that trusts that All is Well even when most things suck. Because when things start to suck and life is looking pretty fucking dreary, there is no crisis that God is Not, that God has Failed, that God is an Asshole. There's just the reassurance that God Is and therefore All is Indeed Well.
I'll let you know how long it lasts.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Not My Story
I am feeling stymied these days. There is much to write and process. My mind comes up with seventeen blog titles a day. Probably I could come up with at least one post out all of those, right?
The difficulty is that my brain is stuck on one channel, and none of the content is my material. Now, I'm not afraid of a little plagiarism or copyright infringement to be sure. However, telling this story crosses a line, even for me. While there is lots I would like to be writing down and keeping track of here, the nuts and bolts, the day-to-day, the Everything Else... it all belongs to Someone Else.
This makes it difficult to be me. Or at least to be me a Me Who Blogs.
For now.
I expect to find a way around this soon. Until then, maybe I'll have to go back to writing in private. Because I miss this place.
The difficulty is that my brain is stuck on one channel, and none of the content is my material. Now, I'm not afraid of a little plagiarism or copyright infringement to be sure. However, telling this story crosses a line, even for me. While there is lots I would like to be writing down and keeping track of here, the nuts and bolts, the day-to-day, the Everything Else... it all belongs to Someone Else.
This makes it difficult to be me. Or at least to be me a Me Who Blogs.
For now.
I expect to find a way around this soon. Until then, maybe I'll have to go back to writing in private. Because I miss this place.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Got Change?
One thing that is tricky is knowing when change is permanent and when change is temporary.
My faith story includes a turn in the road where Everything Changed and that Change has remained. And while I am mostly sure it will remain, I can't be sure. But really, I'm pretty sure.
This week has brought some big shit. The kind where I think we'll look back and go, Wow, that was when it all changed. Granted, I get that the more things change, the more they stay the same, so there will be lots that is just as it's always been. But it feels like some kind of core thing has been adjusted or moved or tweaked.
One "symtom" of said adjustment is a certain new quietness in my soul where not all that long was a static-y inteference. Maybe like I've finally tuned my radio to CBC Radio 3 properly - stringed harmonies where grating white noise once lived. Right now it's playing out in my space with SJ, where it feels just a little less urgent to make it clear that I'm Right in any given moment; where there's a willingness to wait a beat longer.
We haven't been married forever, but we've been married long enough that we know no season is permanent. But is it dumb to hope that this newly tuned radio stays tuned? I don't mind the odd commercial break, but if it was Clear when it was clear, that would be really, really great. It would be an 'and' in this story of ours.*
We'll see I guess. Truly, this is a time when only time will tell. I think if I turn into the kind of person who prays for things, I'm going to pray for this one to stick.
*My Theology of And: If "everything happens for a reason", then the bad things that happen are proof that God's an asshole because surely the Almighty could come up with a better way of making things happen than the many and varied Bad Things that good people must endure. However, if God is indeed Good All The Time, and All Things Work For Good, then we can believe in Ands. As in, "This Bad Thing happened and I saw this Good too because our God is resourceful and made a silk purse out of this pig's ear." So much more bearable than "This Bad Thing Happened so that I could see this Good." Make sense?
My faith story includes a turn in the road where Everything Changed and that Change has remained. And while I am mostly sure it will remain, I can't be sure. But really, I'm pretty sure.
This week has brought some big shit. The kind where I think we'll look back and go, Wow, that was when it all changed. Granted, I get that the more things change, the more they stay the same, so there will be lots that is just as it's always been. But it feels like some kind of core thing has been adjusted or moved or tweaked.
One "symtom" of said adjustment is a certain new quietness in my soul where not all that long was a static-y inteference. Maybe like I've finally tuned my radio to CBC Radio 3 properly - stringed harmonies where grating white noise once lived. Right now it's playing out in my space with SJ, where it feels just a little less urgent to make it clear that I'm Right in any given moment; where there's a willingness to wait a beat longer.
We haven't been married forever, but we've been married long enough that we know no season is permanent. But is it dumb to hope that this newly tuned radio stays tuned? I don't mind the odd commercial break, but if it was Clear when it was clear, that would be really, really great. It would be an 'and' in this story of ours.*
We'll see I guess. Truly, this is a time when only time will tell. I think if I turn into the kind of person who prays for things, I'm going to pray for this one to stick.
*My Theology of And: If "everything happens for a reason", then the bad things that happen are proof that God's an asshole because surely the Almighty could come up with a better way of making things happen than the many and varied Bad Things that good people must endure. However, if God is indeed Good All The Time, and All Things Work For Good, then we can believe in Ands. As in, "This Bad Thing happened and I saw this Good too because our God is resourceful and made a silk purse out of this pig's ear." So much more bearable than "This Bad Thing Happened so that I could see this Good." Make sense?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Imagining Good is Hard
When I was preparing for marriage and maybe panicking a tiny bit about my capacity to do all that I imagined marriage would require, I got given wise words from a wise friend. She sat across from me and said something like this: Any moron can imagine the hard parts. But not even the smartest one can know the good parts until you live them.
She was a lot more eloquent and most certainly more gentle, but I've carried that with me ever since. It only takes a very small amount of imagination to visit the Tragic, the Impossible, the Too Hard. But one of the wonders of this life is how hidden the I Had No Idea! and This Is Amazing! are. Sometimes we can do some hoping and some wondering, but those moments are nowhere near as vivid or accurate as our dark certainties.
The last few days have provided ample opportunity to visit the rooms where the Dark Stuff is packed. But I am working hard to remember that those aren't the only rooms in this house. Some of these rooms hold Regular Normal things and probably boxes and boxes of The Mundane. And there is every possibility that one or two may be hiding some Sweetness or Lovely. I'm not going to try to imagine their contents exactly, but I'm going to believe that they will make themselves known in the days and weeks ahead.
I'll let you know what we find.
She was a lot more eloquent and most certainly more gentle, but I've carried that with me ever since. It only takes a very small amount of imagination to visit the Tragic, the Impossible, the Too Hard. But one of the wonders of this life is how hidden the I Had No Idea! and This Is Amazing! are. Sometimes we can do some hoping and some wondering, but those moments are nowhere near as vivid or accurate as our dark certainties.
The last few days have provided ample opportunity to visit the rooms where the Dark Stuff is packed. But I am working hard to remember that those aren't the only rooms in this house. Some of these rooms hold Regular Normal things and probably boxes and boxes of The Mundane. And there is every possibility that one or two may be hiding some Sweetness or Lovely. I'm not going to try to imagine their contents exactly, but I'm going to believe that they will make themselves known in the days and weeks ahead.
I'll let you know what we find.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Power Failure
Today was the first full day of The Terrible Thing. I think we did admirably, all things considered.
SJ accompanied his parents to The Appointment where the details were filled in (and can be provided under separate cover if you are a person who would benefit from said details). He took notes and asked questions and just plain sonned. He collected the information and followed up and updated his siblings. He's being really, really great.
He and his parents came back here for lunch and we lunched and chatted and reviewed and made sure to remember all the places where Hope lives. We considered options and detours and possibilities, at least all the safe and not-too-scary ones. We had tea and donuts and wondered if the dog had truly been the first to know.
And then they left.
And we realized that The First Day wasn't going to be The Last Day. That we're going to have to do all the days in between. That we're going to have to share all the days in between with other people who will have different ideas and different needs and different plans and Hopes and Fears. And that most of all of that is actually just going to look like a lot of Waiting.
Waiting is not so much a super-valued lifeskill. Actually, T's "Oh The Places You'll Go" book kind of frowns on it and implies that the waiting-arounders are foolhardy life-wasters. Wait-ers are people who aren't using their power, who aren't getting things done.
But I think the Waiting is going to be where the glory is this time around - it seems quite certain that we are not going to enjoying a lot of power-full. Getting good at living well while waiting could be our best hope. If waiting is just the thing we hate and resent, we're going to end up pretty hateful and resenting when all is said and done and lord knows we'll have enough reason for that as it is. But if Waiting is the place where we linger, I wonder if maybe Jesus doesn't hang out there? I mean, I get Jesus is probably going to be fairly easy to find in the days ahead, but I bet hanging out with him while we Wait could be... well, a good thing.
So we're going to be the kind of people who ask for prayers. At least I am. We want to meet Jesus in the Waiting Room and we want him to do that thing where everyone knows he's there even if they don't know it's him. You know what I mean?
SJ accompanied his parents to The Appointment where the details were filled in (and can be provided under separate cover if you are a person who would benefit from said details). He took notes and asked questions and just plain sonned. He collected the information and followed up and updated his siblings. He's being really, really great.
He and his parents came back here for lunch and we lunched and chatted and reviewed and made sure to remember all the places where Hope lives. We considered options and detours and possibilities, at least all the safe and not-too-scary ones. We had tea and donuts and wondered if the dog had truly been the first to know.
And then they left.
And we realized that The First Day wasn't going to be The Last Day. That we're going to have to do all the days in between. That we're going to have to share all the days in between with other people who will have different ideas and different needs and different plans and Hopes and Fears. And that most of all of that is actually just going to look like a lot of Waiting.
Waiting is not so much a super-valued lifeskill. Actually, T's "Oh The Places You'll Go" book kind of frowns on it and implies that the waiting-arounders are foolhardy life-wasters. Wait-ers are people who aren't using their power, who aren't getting things done.
But I think the Waiting is going to be where the glory is this time around - it seems quite certain that we are not going to enjoying a lot of power-full. Getting good at living well while waiting could be our best hope. If waiting is just the thing we hate and resent, we're going to end up pretty hateful and resenting when all is said and done and lord knows we'll have enough reason for that as it is. But if Waiting is the place where we linger, I wonder if maybe Jesus doesn't hang out there? I mean, I get Jesus is probably going to be fairly easy to find in the days ahead, but I bet hanging out with him while we Wait could be... well, a good thing.
So we're going to be the kind of people who ask for prayers. At least I am. We want to meet Jesus in the Waiting Room and we want him to do that thing where everyone knows he's there even if they don't know it's him. You know what I mean?
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Now What?
I've always thought I'd be well-suited to be having a marching band accompanying me through life. When I'm out with just one kid, I want a t-shirt that says I HAVE TWO! I remember walking through the mall the day after the last day of high school, thinking everyone should know I'M DONE! It seems like a marching band would be effective at keeping people in the know, that Life Is Happening! To Me! Right Now!
Today the song would be something catchy about Holy Hell, It Is! One of our people has moved from afraid they will have to be afraid to straight up afraid. And so we move into it with them.
I am struck by how slow and fast life goes. The process to get us here is has been snail's pace. Long delays, misdiagnoses, inconclusive tests. But then one test concludes and in 24 hours there is An Appointment. Treatment. Fear. Suddenly, it's too fast. We're not ready. We need about 10 to 15 years actually.
So now we... do what? I guess we just do what's next. But I'm on the hunt for a marching band. Because Life Is Happening! To Us! Right Now!
Fuck.
Today the song would be something catchy about Holy Hell, It Is! One of our people has moved from afraid they will have to be afraid to straight up afraid. And so we move into it with them.
I am struck by how slow and fast life goes. The process to get us here is has been snail's pace. Long delays, misdiagnoses, inconclusive tests. But then one test concludes and in 24 hours there is An Appointment. Treatment. Fear. Suddenly, it's too fast. We're not ready. We need about 10 to 15 years actually.
So now we... do what? I guess we just do what's next. But I'm on the hunt for a marching band. Because Life Is Happening! To Us! Right Now!
Fuck.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Extended Family
One thing that's really smart is not to rely on just one person. Namely me.
Our families of origin are quite disimilar. His is reliable, solid, and dependable. Self-contained. Mine is flakey, a bit hit-or-miss but hilarious. And whatever the opposite of self-contained is. Maybe like a yogurt container with the lid not quite on right that has just fallen out of the fridge from the top shelf. That's kind of what we're like.
His family (and him) you want in an emergency, if you need to know what to do next. Mine you want if you crave yogurt. Or inappropriate humour.
Therefore, he married me and I married him and now we have between us an almost ideal set-up.
I'm not sure how he figured out he needed the yogurt, but I knew for shizzle that I needed the dependable and I knew further still that when your own family is lacking, the best option is to import. My whole growing up was an import-export business disguised as Aunties and Uncles.
Tonight, we had dinner with our closest not-family-but-who-are-we-kidding-they-are-family-now friends on my parents' side. As we tried to figure out who had the easiest life and therefore ought to clear the table, it became clear that all of us were living with dishes-excusing-hard-things (Scott is dependable though, so he just did it anyway despite his own Good Reason Not To). And knowing that all of us knew about each other's crap and that each of us were counting on the others' love and friendship to get through what is ahead (seeing as how we'd been with each other with the crap that has already passed), I realized that I am really glad that I learned to import (and hopefully export) and that already our little family has collected it's own people.
Because as great as my people are, they're not enough people for all of what life brings. We need more people, and I'm so thankful for the people we've got, that they're part of The Family.
Our families of origin are quite disimilar. His is reliable, solid, and dependable. Self-contained. Mine is flakey, a bit hit-or-miss but hilarious. And whatever the opposite of self-contained is. Maybe like a yogurt container with the lid not quite on right that has just fallen out of the fridge from the top shelf. That's kind of what we're like.
His family (and him) you want in an emergency, if you need to know what to do next. Mine you want if you crave yogurt. Or inappropriate humour.
Therefore, he married me and I married him and now we have between us an almost ideal set-up.
I'm not sure how he figured out he needed the yogurt, but I knew for shizzle that I needed the dependable and I knew further still that when your own family is lacking, the best option is to import. My whole growing up was an import-export business disguised as Aunties and Uncles.
Tonight, we had dinner with our closest not-family-but-who-are-we-kidding-they-are-family-now friends on my parents' side. As we tried to figure out who had the easiest life and therefore ought to clear the table, it became clear that all of us were living with dishes-excusing-hard-things (Scott is dependable though, so he just did it anyway despite his own Good Reason Not To). And knowing that all of us knew about each other's crap and that each of us were counting on the others' love and friendship to get through what is ahead (seeing as how we'd been with each other with the crap that has already passed), I realized that I am really glad that I learned to import (and hopefully export) and that already our little family has collected it's own people.
Because as great as my people are, they're not enough people for all of what life brings. We need more people, and I'm so thankful for the people we've got, that they're part of The Family.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Day One
As I've mentioned, there is more than one person in my life who is currently facing Holy Hell I Hope Not. Today the list got added to by one. So be it.
But it has me thinking about how the Big Moments never arrive that way. How you kind of have to look back in time to find the spot where Life Changed and how you didn't really know it at the time. How regular everything was at the beginning of it becoming terrible.
Because there is no for sure that it will turn out terrible. Fear dances with Hope at the beginning and it's not altogether clear who's leading. And it makes me think that in the daily living of life, the value of practicing Hope is that when Day One of HHIHN arrives, a person is so well-practiced at Hope that there is plenty of room for Probably Not and If So, We'll Do That Too. Because Hope has become big enough for whatever journey is ahead.
I think at least two of my HHIHN people are good Hopers and their initial peace and good humour in these early days of wondering speaks to their previous practice of looking for the All Is Well through the mundane and regular.
I'm glad I got to learn from them.
But it has me thinking about how the Big Moments never arrive that way. How you kind of have to look back in time to find the spot where Life Changed and how you didn't really know it at the time. How regular everything was at the beginning of it becoming terrible.
Because there is no for sure that it will turn out terrible. Fear dances with Hope at the beginning and it's not altogether clear who's leading. And it makes me think that in the daily living of life, the value of practicing Hope is that when Day One of HHIHN arrives, a person is so well-practiced at Hope that there is plenty of room for Probably Not and If So, We'll Do That Too. Because Hope has become big enough for whatever journey is ahead.
I think at least two of my HHIHN people are good Hopers and their initial peace and good humour in these early days of wondering speaks to their previous practice of looking for the All Is Well through the mundane and regular.
I'm glad I got to learn from them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)