I Want to Quit Feeding Her

It's too hard. I had a big old cry about it this morning and decided it's time to quit. We can go back to food when she's ready to make it herself. Surely she can survive on that nice formula until she's what, 6? 7?

This morning it was a big 'no thank-you' to banana and yogurt which is sometimes eaten. Yesterday she ate 3 meals of milupa and apricots which I believe she was supposed to give up at 8 months? Or maybe never have had to begin with (I don't even read the ingredients because it's too disheartening to know what chemicals I am already putting in her because the plain brown rice cereal just grossed me out).

There are 2 parts to my quitting-ness over this. One is the hassle. Frankly, I am tired of boiling 8 noodles and throwing out 7 of them over the next 2 days. Steaming carrots and sweet potatoes that she mostly throws on the floor. Throwing out cans of beans. I know I should be more resourceful and eat the shit she doesn't but it is so freaking unappetizing to eat anything you've seen undigested in a diaper that I may be off bananas, beans and carrots forever. I read the awesome cook books from Katie and Megan and know that I could be feeding her lamb curry and moussaka by now and think of all the flavours she'll never know because I didn't introduce them before now. To say nothing of the eating disorder she'll have sensing my anxiety over food.

The other part is the failure part. Feeding this girl has been a bit of a failure-filled area from the beginning and it seems like a kind of essential thing to get right. I think I could have lived with not getting her exposed to Mandarin and Japanese early enough for her to learn the language on her own but fucking up her food life seems... serious. It's worsened by the confused faces of my mother and mother-in-law who know the way that would have worked and try to be kind with my bowls of black beans but sneak in warmed up rice cereal whenever they're alone with her. Well, that and french fries. But I hate jarred veggies. HATE jarred meat. I don't WANT to give her that shit. I want her to eat what I'm giving her and make my way right. I want this to work. Damn. You know it's the same problem over and over again, isn't it? Fuck. Well, nothing a little crying won't fix.

Ugh. It is so difficult to be kind. Kind to myself, kind to others. I watch other parents and look for the ways they're screwing up so I won't feel so bad, and then I look at me and find all the ways I'm screwing up and feel even worse. It's a bad strategy. Do you suppose I'll figure it out anytime soon? I doubt it.

Looks like today is a low day. Good thing it's sunny. At least we'll get to play outside. And maybe have more fucking rice cereal for lunch.