So I was going to convene a coven. I was going to invite a few more friends to read the blog and join my existing friends who read the blog and maybe join in the conversation. It was part of my plan to Be A Writer in 2011. I wondered if maybe my writing is like art, and benefits from an audience. I even sent out one invitation (I'm lookin' at you SW!).
And then I quit.
Today I was with a friend for an unplanned catching up. She knows me pretty well, and even knows about one or two secret dreams. She even asked about one of them. The problem with secret dreams is that for them to be realized, they have to stop being secret. And so we talked about why it would be so difficult to un-secretize this one dream in particular, and everytime I brought up a reason why it should perhaps remain secret, she would call that compelling reason a lie. She kept asking me why I was believing so many lies. It was so annoying.
Writing is maybe a semi-secret dream. Or maybe not even a dream, but a newly discovered pleasure. There is most certainly a pleasure in the process, but the truth is that the real pleasure is in the Having-It-Read-By-Others-ness. So asking Others to Read It was part of increasing the pleasure. Increasing the pleasure would make it more appealing to continue and continuing would make it more likely that I would eventually come up with something of value. That Others Could Read. I suspect this little cycle is the reason so many books are published.
There is probably lots of smart thinking already out there about the writer/reader dynamic, about art and audience. And maybe one day I'll read it.
But right now, I'm living with the part where asking for an audience seems too... much. Like I don't want to be the kind of person who wants... well, who wants anything. Indifference is so much cooler, you know?
And this is the difficulty with the other secret dream - it requires saying fairly loudly, I'm Not Indifferent. Which in my mind means yelling, I'M NOT COOL. [Oh dear. The depravity of my own self is shattering sometimes. Can you believe how sad this is?? Is someone keeping track of my list of Things to Get Counselling For?]
So the question tonight is, am I a pansy? Am I too afraid of looking dumb to ask for a few to join in what has so far been mostly monologue, just for my own pleasure? Am I too afraid of my own fear to un-secretize a dream?
My secret self is saying maybe not.
8 comments:
I think I know exactly what you are talking about. I had someone tell me the reason why we feel that way. (I have the same issue) I will tell you that answer if you like, but you probably already know!!! The worst part is that it is so common and boring an answer that you will like it as little as I did, I think.
This is far too cryptic for me. You got some 'splaining to do when we meet for our seed exchange/coffee date...which is when????
@TDWC, a) I want to know your secret dream. Me and Mr. Frederico are going to find out next week. b) just in case, I don't know the answer, can you tell me anyway? I mean, I probably know, but just in case?
@Mamabear, I'm hardly ever cryptic! I'm kind of enjoying it. Let's start planning a time for when I get back from my exotic holiday. Let's try to make it early enough that I still have some lingering tan.
i was just thinking to myself this week, 'gee that alison is a brave girl'. really i was. 'she's brazen, and smart, and self aware (to the nth degree) and people quote her when she's not even around. she does cool stuff and says cool things because she's just trying to figure it all out - out loud. if you're up for the dialoge i know you'd have an engaged audience. you're definitely not a pansy, "crap theology" and all.
@Brooke - you're a nice friend. Although it makes a tiny bit nauseous to think I'm being quoted when I'm not there to defend myself! oh dear.
I quote you when you're not around. I guess I'll stop.
And, I have lots of secret dreams and nobody's gettin' 'em out of me.
Well, after your kind encouragement to do so, I'm taking the plunge and responding with the comment I'd wanted to send the other day. Here it is (having said most of this to you already in person.
--> I love this! your angst about wanting some writer /reader connection, inward tossings about Secret Dreams maybe having to be Not Secret if they're going to be realized— all so well put. As was your discussion of the 'Crap Theology' and your final expression of despair, perhaps you should be an Anglican...! That made me smile.
But in regard to wanting some feedback, some conversation on what you write... I think that's only a good thing. In a post a long time back you'd mentioned a writing group— possibly. That would indicate this is not a completely new thought for you. Perhaps its something that's just bursting out of you, and insisting on being affirmed, acknowledged. Nurtured. Developed.
As a reader (and as a writer, communicator, though not much in blog form) I look forward to your posts, and have taken ages to have the guts to comment (perhaps the mirror image of the writer who is afraid to ask someone to read, is the reader's fear in identifying as a reader). But having bitten the bullet, so to speak, and admitted my no-longer- secret delight in reading your blog, let me just register my encouragement for you in your endeavours. May Grace abound to you and through you. I might even comment now and then, if that doesn't seem too weird.
@ElfinHome, I am so thankful for your encouragement and your courage to jump in the fray. I will look forward to hearing your further thoughts on these meandering thoughts of mine. Thank you.
@Jenn, you make me laugh. You don't quote me ever - you've got too many clever things of your own to say.
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