I'm actually not sure that these two things are related, but I think they may be. The first being the fact that I'm a Universalist. The second being that I'm am now on the brink of deep depression following Team Canada's loss in the World Juniors' gold medal hockey game this afternoon.
To be clear, I am not ruined by Canada's first-place-loser status in hockey. Our national supremacy in all things pucked is not central to my well-being. I am a Canucks fan - we lose things. I can handle it.
But sometimes I can't. Not specifically the hockey loss though. Just the presence of losing in the world in general I think. Like at the beginning of the Olympics last year, when it didn't snow and then the luger died and then the arm didn't go up in the opening ceremony and then Jennifer Heil didn't win gold... it nearly wrecked me. Knowing that John Furlong was somewhere in the city despairing, embarassed, considering how to live with what was shaping up to be an epic fail.... I was beside myself. But then Alexandre Bilodeau won and there was hope for the world and by the end of the Games, I thought I would be happy forever.
But now those little Canadian boys have lost in a terribly terrible way and I am pretty sure the entire world sucks. Just knowing they have to be disappointed and feel bleak and like they want to quit everything - it makes me bleak too.
But here's the kicker - I'm not blue about hockey. I'm suddenly blue about ME!
Our house is too dirty, my kids are too poorly raised, probably I'm unemployable and not one person truly likes me. I have a terrible wardrobe, we'll never have enough money and I'm too lazy to ever achieve anything. And I don't have any dreams. Because I have no passion.
Seriously. It's like there's an I Suck channel in my brain and somehow believing that others may be tuned into their own I Suck channel makes me switch over to mine. It's ludicrous. To say nothing of annoying. There isn't enough counselling in the world for my brand of crazy.
On the upside, the Canucks are winning... Maybe I'll be okay after all.
3 comments:
You are not alone my friend. Why our brains turn on us like this … I’m not sure, but especially in these last two months, I understand. The smallest, most unrelated things can start a spiral of despair and self-absorbed despondence. While I would love to blame it all on grief, it is amazing how much about it is has nothing to do with loss, and oh so much to do with other crap.
But for the record, I at least, do truly like you, the Canucks did indeed win and your wardrobe … well as long as you’ve stayed away from those see-thru harlot skirts, I think you’re probably doing okay.
And I appreciate that you share your thoughts and that the wonders of Al Gore’s internets allow me to peek at them … there is strange solace in knowing there are all brands of crazy out there, and that wallowing in desolation for awhile might just be okay.
Your post made me laugh out loud. And that, my friend, is quite a gift to give me on this dreary, rainy, Seattle day. YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH BY JUST WRITING RANDOM STUFF! That's huge. :)
@Jo, my kingdom for a harlot skirt! I miss those days... But you know that ad for drinking and driving when they keep adding a glass and it gets blurrier and blurrier? Your grief right now is like all those glasses so you're not going to see things as they are - you've got new eyes, new sad eyes. So crap is going to be crappier for a long while I think friend. If you forget, let me know and I'll remind you.
And @Sarah, you laughing in rainy Seattle gladdens my dreary Vancouver heart. To be honest, you seem like a bit of a laugh slut, so I'm not sure how "huge" it is, but I'll take it. Today, I'll take it. ; )
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