Wattage

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." (1 Jn: 5 - 7).

I think I need a live-in Bible teacher. Someone to just run a few things by: Was Jesus really alive? Like is there historical proof of this guy beyond what's written in the Bible? or What exactly is 'darkness' again? Because while I clearly have a fine time making up answers to these questions on my own, I do also recognize that there are researched, based-in-fact answers available that might do me some good. Apparently the Pastor Next Door isn't handy enough.

This morning, I feel like I'm wandering through some darkness, but it's more of the I-know-I-shouldn't-worry-but-worry-feels-necessary variety.  Is that the opposite of God's light? Am I lying about my fellowship with God if I find myself lingering in the This Could Go Horribly Wrong aisle a bit longer? I don't know. 
This worry doesn't feel sinful, as much as it feels silly. I know all about not being anxious and in everything praying and being full of thanksgiving. And eventually, I'm likely to get there. But in the immediate right now, I'm not quite ready to live by the truth if the truth means I have to stop worrying.

Oh my word. That's obviously the dumbest thing ever as soon as I see it written down! Good grief.

You know what I like? I like the part where walking in the light means having fellowship with one another. I like that a lot. So maybe I'll try turning down the volume on my worry and try tracking down some of that fellowship.  I'll let you know how it works out.