Up In Arms

I am an unusually good friend. I know this because last night I went with my friend Jenn to a church meeting. I gave those up for Lent a long time ago and had the good sense to realize that probably I didn't need to pick them back up again. But Jenn needed to go, and it's usually our home group night and what the hell, right? Why not go to a church meeting instead?

What the hell, indeed. The church meeting was an opportunity to hear about our church's thinking about Hell. Apparently there are some questions about which our church is not settled and so our leaders decided to let people who want to think about those questions get together on a Thursday night to hear what is thought so far, and engage a bit further. This week's question was What  Do We Believe About Hell.  Probably thinking and learning about this is a good idea.

I hate it.

I mostly hate hearing other people have ideas that are different from mine. I also hate hearing people being angry and rude because other people have ideas that are different than theirs. I hate hearing people be all human and broken and dumb. I hate being all human and broken and dumb.

As I storm around the house this morning starting every other thought in my head with, "And another thing....!", I am struck yet again by how much more appealing it is to this heart to be Right than it is to be Righteous. But as I reminded myself only a few months ago here, the promise of contentment is for those who seek after the latter.  In fact, as far as I can tell, nothing is promised to those who are Right.

Mike mentioned last night that he wonders if the question of hell is actually a question about how far Jesus' death went.  Maybe. Listening to some of the voices gathered last night, I think probably the question of hell is actually a question about being The Most Right. People did not seem to need there to be a hell with eternal punishment because that would be the best reflection of who God Is and how God Works.  People needed there to be a hell with eternal punishment so that they could spend eternity Being Right while all those who have not agreed with them over the years could spend eternity Being Wrong.

Somewhere along the way, we forget that Jesus promised Presence and Peace - one way or the other, an eternity with God.  God as judge, or God as Saviour seem to be the two options - what pictures there are of an existence after this one point only to getting to experience God in a new way. Even in Matthew when sheeps are being separated from goats, the distinction is not between who got the answers right and who got them wrong - it's between who was loving Jesus and who wasn't. And the difference between them was mostly who was giving what they had to give and who wasn't.

I am so rattled and ready to write and write and write about why I am Right about this. But alas, I will not spend any more time than I have already indulging my black heart. Instead I will do my imitation of prayer again this morning and beg the Creator to make me hungry for Righteousness. I will practice remembering that God was probably amused last night, and watched us all with great fondness. Even the guys who were wrong.

See? I'm broken. So, so broken.

Thank God.