Lent 9

I think today I may have found the spot in my brain to remember that when I open the Bible and end up in Isaiah, I flip backwards to find the Psalms. Nine days friends. Nine days it took me to figure that out.

This morning before settling into this, I made the mistake of checking facebook. A friend had posted a link to the blog, and pulled a quote from Lent 6.  I read it about 17 times and every time, thought to myself, "That's fucking awesome. Damn, I'm good."  It was a sweet swell of pride that I couldn't really shake, and through all the readings, my brain kept coming back to the spot (next to where I'll be remembering Psalms' location maybe) where I kept that experience of loving my own self.

Listen, I know it's okay to be proud of one's efforts. I don't need to pretend at false modesty to please the Lord. But the line is so thin, the line between thankful pleasure and self-glorifying pride. And when this entire Lent has been a journey to discovering my own sin, and how often that sin is just plain forgetting what God has done and preferring to build my own idol to worship... well, I'm a bit weepy this morning.

Maybe a lot weepy. It's possible I'm crying my eyes out while I type this.

Because of course, through this Lent, God's mercies have been new every morning: God keeps on showing up and keeps on whispering to this heart. In the Psalm, our God says to God's people, I appreciate all these sacrifices, I do. But I don't need them. I'll take your thanks offering instead. Please. I had to look it up in Wikipedia, but this means that "no physical offering, only praise is implied." In Deuteronomy, God tells Moses to tell those stiff-necked Israelites that they won't be destroyed this time, and asks Moses to make one more set of tablets for the do-over. In Hebrews, the writer reminds God's people to rest, just like God rested, so that we won't fall into disobedience again.

And finally in John, this. This one that leaves me crying all over again: "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what s/he has done has been done through God."  (v. 21)

I am doing my damndest to live by the truth. May it be plainly seen that what I do has been done through God. And today I will not sacrifice more than thanks - I will carry gratitude in this heart and I will even rest from self-questioning so that I don't fall into disobedience and build a little idol to my own awesomeness. I am thankful, deeply, deeply thankful, that this discipline has brought out parts of me I like. But I am more thankful that the God I love is not silent when I seek that God out.

And I am crying my eyes out in fearful gratitude.

Please read all the passages here, but for today, I'll leave you with Psalm 50.

Psalm 50

A psalm of Asaph.

¹ The Mighty One, God, the Lord,
    speaks and summons the earth
    from the rising of the sun to where it sets.
² From Zion, perfect in beauty,
    God shines forth.
³ Our God comes
    and will not be silent;
a fire devours before him,
    and around him a tempest rages.
⁴ He summons the heavens above,
    and the earth, that he may judge his people:
⁵ “Gather to me this consecrated people,
    who made a covenant with me by sacrifice.”
⁶ And the heavens proclaim his righteousness,
    for he is a God of justice.^[a][b]

⁷ “Listen, my people, and I will speak;
    I will testify against you, Israel:
    I am God, your God.
⁸ I bring no charges against you concerning your sacrifices
    or concerning your burnt offerings, which are ever before me.
⁹ I have no need of a bull from your stall
    or of goats from your pens,
¹⁰ for every animal of the forest is mine,
    and the cattle on a thousand hills.
¹¹ I know every bird in the mountains,
    and the insects in the fields are mine.
¹² If I were hungry I would not tell you,
    for the world is mine, and all that is in it.
¹³ Do I eat the flesh of bulls
    or drink the blood of goats?

¹⁴ “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,
    fulfill your vows to the Most High,
¹⁵ and call on me in the day of trouble;
    I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”

¹⁶ But to the wicked person, God says:

“What right have you to recite my laws
    or take my covenant on your lips?
¹⁷ You hate my instruction
    and cast my words behind you.
¹⁸ When you see a thief, you join with him;
    you throw in your lot with adulterers.
¹⁹ You use your mouth for evil
    and harness your tongue to deceit.
²⁰ You sit and testify against your brother
    and slander your own mother’s son.
²¹ When you did these things and I kept silent,
    you thought I was exactly^[c] like you.
But I now arraign you
    and set my accusations before you.

²² “Consider this, you who forget God,
    or I will tear you to pieces, with no one to rescue you:
²³ Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me,
    and to the blameless^[d] I will show my salvation.”