Lent 16

Psalm 71:14-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.

Wow. Tough collection of readings today. This was the only good news I could find. David remains full of anxious fretting over his ever-present enemies, Jeremiah prophesies only doom and truly, I have no idea what Paul is talking about (again). 

This Lent gig is meant to be full of dark. The world is meant to grow darker and darker each day, right? The cost of our fast is meant to be growing. And instead I'm mostly just kind of used to it now. Sustaining the position of suffering and somber wandering is difficult. Submitting to the seasons of the church in lieu of the seasons of my heart is feeling kind of dumb. 

And yet, that's the point isn't it? In one of the several great paradoxes of our faith, this isn't about me, even though I also believe that of course, it's also for me. I am meant to somehow believe that I matter a great deal while understanding that in the same moment, I matter not at all. Those two things are true at the same time in their mutual exclusivity. 

Therefore, despite waking up this morning and feeling like the world may be possible and even lovely for this heart, I will also make space to linger in the despair that Jeremiah brings us, the despair of feeling like God may have run out of steam for our relentless turning away. I will bring my heart to solidarity with my brothers and sisters in Christ who are certain their enemies are only seconds away, and need to God to show up RIGHT NOW!! I will use crazy, old fashioned churchy language even, just because sometimes other people have said it better and remembering that all the crazy people who choose Jesus are my relatives is important.

On this 16th Day of Lent, I will not forget my place in this messy throng of messy believers. I will talk of God's righteousness and saving acts all day long, even if I don't know how to do it. And I'll just keep on having hope too, darn it.

Lent 15

I almost renumbered Lent so that we could skip '15'. I just don't like 5s. Ask my midwife: she says I laboured for an extra 2 hours, just so my son wouldn't be born on the 15th. I'm pretty sure this is my dad's fault.

Despite not loving a 15, I do love the story in John this morning. I've read it earlier this year with my homegroup friends, and I wish I had just recorded our entire conversation and could post it here, because it was really, really good.

This probably won't be really, really good. Let's aim for passable, shall we?

So the first third of Lent was a journey of sin-discovery. Of being reminded that probably I'm not always awesome, of being reminded that I have built an idol more than once in this life, and worshipped it instead of the God I love.

This morning, John tells the story of a guy who has spent years and years wanting to be healed of his disability, hanging out next to a pool of water that promised said healing if he could just get in it at the right moment.  Jesus hears about him and his long wait and says to the guy, "Do you want to get well?" To which the guy replies with his reasons for not being able to get well - "No one will help me! I can't do it! People always get there first!"

Jesus, perhaps a bit irked, if not amused or compassionate or something more Jesus-y just looks at him and says, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."  And that's that.

It is a good moment to be reminded that at some point I am asked, "Do you even want to get well?" Because of course, mostly I do. Except for the part where I'm not sure. That guy had been lounging next to a pool for years. Presumably he had figured out how to get enough food to survive. He probably had a crew of other folk he hung out with, complaining about all the other broken keeners who were always so quick, jumping into those stirred up waters. Maybe they played cards on Tuesdays, or had drinking games on Friday nights.

Letting what we know die, even when what we know sucks, is surprisingly difficult to do. 

Down in verse 14, Jesus finds the guy later and says to him something like, Glad to see you doing so well. You better stop sinning though, or something worse may happen to you.

John's Jesus is such a jackass.

Anyway, I kind of wonder about the next third of Lent, and about having to really decide to get up and walk. To let the sin die, to give up the idols, and live in the Life that is coming at Easter.

That's what I'm wondering about.

John 5:1-18

New International Version (NIV)

The Healing at the Pool

5 Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. ² Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda^[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. ³ Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. ^{[4] [b] 5} One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. ⁶ When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

⁷ “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
⁸ Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” ⁹ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, ¹⁰ and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”
¹¹ But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ ”
¹² So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”
¹³ The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.
¹⁴ Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” ¹⁵ The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well.

The Authority of the Son

¹⁶ So, because Jesus was doing these things on the Sabbath, the Jewish leaders began to persecute him. ¹⁷ In his defense Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too am working.” ¹⁸ For this reason they tried all the more to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God.

Lent 14

There are one or two things I don't know how to do. Stop on downhill skis and decipher wiring diagrams being chief among them. Happily, I am excellent at building a life that avoids bumping into these things that  I can not do. Most of the time.

Reading this morning, and of course imposing my own life as an overlay on these here Scriptures (I sense my grammar could use some tweeking here, but know no better way to have written that), I heard perhaps a small whisper to pay attention. To listen to David begging God to do something about all the things that were going wrong for him. To listen to Jeremiah telling Israel that God was supermad about how they forgot to ask the God who led them through the desert, to ask that God for direction when next they got lost. To listen to Paul reminding whoever it was he was writing to, that those Israelites got in trouble for worshipping and seving created things rather than the Creator. To listen to a story where a really successful guy who should be able to do anything stops and asks Jesus to do the thing he can not: heal his son.

One other thing I can not do is figure out a life for this family of mine. There is always a nagging Not Quite Right about things for me, and I think for my beloved also.  We have wondered often about changing everything, or maybe just adjusting a few things. But no thing has emerged The Thing to add or subtract. And so we muddle along, bothered always and settled not at all, wondering when we'll see where peace might be hiding.

I think I must wonder a bit more about which created things we are looking to for guidance here, about which idols we are setting up, about who we follow.

These feels a tiny bit on the impossible side. A bit like stopping on the downhill slope before I crash into that innocent crew of Ski Scampers.

And yet.

Jeremiah 2:1-13

New International Version (NIV)

Israel Forsakes God

2 The word of the Lord came to me: ² “Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem:

“This is what the Lord says:

“‘I remember the devotion of your youth,
    how as a bride you loved me
and followed me through the wilderness,
    through a land not sown.
³ Israel was holy to the Lord,
    the firstfruits of his harvest;
all who devoured her were held guilty,
    and disaster overtook them,’”
declares the Lord.

⁴ Hear the word of the Lord, you descendants of Jacob,
    all you clans of Israel.

⁵ This is what the Lord says:

“What fault did your ancestors find in me,
    that they strayed so far from me?
They followed worthless idols
    and became worthless themselves.
⁶ They did not ask, ‘Where is the Lord,
    who brought us up out of Egypt
and led us through the barren wilderness,
    through a land of deserts and ravines,
a land of drought and utter darkness,
    a land where no one travels and no one lives?’
⁷ I brought you into a fertile land
    to eat its fruit and rich produce.
But you came and defiled my land
    and made my inheritance detestable.
⁸ The priests did not ask,
    ‘Where is the Lord?’
Those who deal with the law did not know me;
    the leaders rebelled against me.
The prophets prophesied by Baal,
    following worthless idols.

⁹ “Therefore I bring charges against you again,”
declares the Lord.
    “And I will bring charges against your children’s children.
¹⁰ Cross over to the coasts of Cyprus and look,
    send to Kedar^[a] and observe closely;
    see if there has ever been anything like this:
¹¹ Has a nation ever changed its gods?
    (Yet they are not gods at all.)
But my people have exchanged their glorious God
    for worthless idols.
¹² Be appalled at this, you heavens,
    and shudder with great horror,”
declares the Lord.
¹³ “My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
    the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
    broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

Lent 13

This morning, three Psalms in a row. This morning, three Psalms where David goes on and on about how everyone is out to get him, about how unsafe things are, about how deceitful people are at every turn. About how certain he is that God is going to pull him through and about how God is still worthy of praise. Three Psalms where David says, And then you'll show them, right God?

I'm not sure where to go with this thought, but it occurred to me this morning, that Jesus could have been reading the Psalms in his own version of Lent. That as he made his way to the cross, and felt his accusers edge ever closer and the whispers grow ever louder, that maybe he tucked in bed at night and read these Psalms over and over, willing his heart to believe that there really is a God who will pull out the fangs of the lion (58:6).

Reading these back to back, with Jesus in mind... I don't have more to say about that. 

Psalm 56-58

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 56^[a]

For the director of music. To the tune of “A Dove on Distant Oaks.” Of David. A miktam.^[b] When the Philistines had seized him in Gath.

¹ Be merciful to me, my God,
    for my enemies are in hot pursuit;
    all day long they press their attack.
² My adversaries pursue me all day long;
    in their pride many are attacking me.

³ When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
⁴     In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can mere mortals do to me?

⁵ All day long they twist my words;
    all their schemes are for my ruin.
⁶ They conspire, they lurk,
    they watch my steps,
    hoping to take my life.
⁷ Because of their wickedness do not^[c] let them escape;
    in your anger, God, bring the nations down.

⁸ Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll^[d]—
    are they not in your record?
⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, my God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.

Psalm 57^[e]

For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam.^[f] When he had fled from Saul into the cave.

¹ Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me,
    for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
    until the disaster has passed.

² I cry out to God Most High,
    to God, who vindicates me.
³ He sends from heaven and saves me,
    rebuking those who hotly pursue me—^[g]
    God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

⁴ I am in the midst of lions;
    I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
    whose tongues are sharp swords.

⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

⁶ They spread a net for my feet—
    I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
    but they have fallen into it themselves.

⁷ My heart, O God, is steadfast,
    my heart is steadfast;
    I will sing and make music.
⁸ Awake, my soul!
    Awake, harp and lyre!
    I will awaken the dawn.

⁹ I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing of you among the peoples.
¹⁰ For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

¹¹ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalm 58^[h]

For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam.^[i]

¹ Do you rulers indeed speak justly?
    Do you judge people with equity?
² No, in your heart you devise injustice,
    and your hands mete out violence on the earth.

³ Even from birth the wicked go astray;
    from the womb they are wayward, spreading lies.
⁴ Their venom is like the venom of a snake,
    like that of a cobra that has stopped its ears,
⁵ that will not heed the tune of the charmer,
    however skillful the enchanter may be.

⁶ Break the teeth in their mouths, O God;
    Lord, tear out the fangs of those lions!
⁷ Let them vanish like water that flows away;
    when they draw the bow, let their arrows fall short.
⁸ May they be like a slug that melts away as it moves along,
    like a stillborn child that never sees the sun.

⁹ Before your pots can feel the heat of the thorns—
    whether they be green or dry—the wicked will be swept away.^[j]
10 The righteous will be glad when they are avenged,
    when they dip their feet in the blood of the wicked.
¹¹ Then people will say,
    “Surely the righteous still are rewarded;
    surely there is a God who judges the earth.”

Lent 12

Inscrutable.

Are we allowed to call the Lord 'inscrutable'? I had to look that word up to make sure it meant what I think it means (when you make up as many words as I do, this proves to be a good practice) and sure enough: Impossible to understand or interpret; impenetrable; mysterious.

It is possible that my method is the problem here. Sitting down, reading 4 or 5 passages and then just typing in the hope that God says something may not be optimum. I think the truly spiritual folk meditate or sit quietly in silence or have music playing or something. I think they probably also take a bit more time with these things.

It's possible this isn't God's fault.

Probably it's the person who put together the passages for today. That guy wasn't listening. Jerk.


The passage in Mark is a bit difficult: first Jesus' family shows up and he leaves them hanging outside while he says to those assembled, "Who are my brothers and sisters? you guys are! the people who do God's will are." Mary and the brothers just wanted to pick him up for dinner, but no, he's got to make a point about God's will - sorry family. He was probably still mad about the wedding and being forced to make wine.

Then he goes on to tell a story about where and how wheat grows and at the end says, "Those who have ears to hear, let them hear."

This morning I don't have ears to hear. Because what I'm hearing is that Jesus is a jerk, and difficult to understand and sure, mysterious even, and this guy is the guy who we're all trying to be like. This is the guy I've built my hope around and he can't even open the door to his own mother.

This is what makes me wonder if people who are sold out on Jesus, and sure of everything and sending non-believers to hell - I wonder if those people ever read the Bible. Because as much as the first 10 days of Lent were faith-building and life-giving, these last two are a bit of a slog and it's gettting harder to see and hear. And still, still we're meant to journey on. Still, faith requires sticking this bit out too.

You see if you can figure it out.

Mark 3:31-4:9

New International Version (NIV)

³¹ Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. ³² A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”
³³ “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
³⁴ Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! ³⁵ Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

The Parable of the Sower

4 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. ² He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: ³ “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

⁹ Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

Lent 11

This morning we are in the living room, two of us drinking coffee, two of us whining about who gets to sit in the chair, four of us tired, one of us having been sick last night. There is a teency, tincy bit of gloom in our parts.

Mornings like this are not conducive to deep thoughts about anything, and unless God tells me which kid in preschool passed on this current iteration of illness, it is hard to find the corner of my heart that wants to hunker down and listen. To anything.  So, this could be a low point. Or the beginning of the low point.

The only part I liked today was in Deuteronomy when they are instructed to "Write [these words of mine] on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." I had to look to see exactly what words should be there ("Love the Lord your God, walk in all God's ways and hold fast to God" [my paraphrase because this edition of the NIV loves masculine pronouns for God and I do not].) I like this part because we have a mezuzah on our doorframe that confounds our faithful Jehovah's Witness visitors and now I'll be able to refer them to the right verse.

So there's that.

Maybe this will be one of the days when someone else hears something good and passes it on.

Deuteronomy 11:18-28

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, ²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.
²² If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow—to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him and to hold fast to him— ²³ then the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations larger and stronger than you. ²⁴ Every place where you set your foot will be yours: Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea. ²⁵ No one will be able to stand against you. The Lord your God, as he promised you, will put the terror and fear of you on the whole land, wherever you go.
²⁶ See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse— ²⁷ the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today; ²⁸ the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known.

Lent 10

Do you know there are 30 days left in Lent? I am *exhausted* already... how to find the stamina for more of this? Apparently, there are people who read the Bible every. day. Listen and hear and think on this stuff 365. Unbelievable.

I did have a bit of a chuckle when I hit Hebrews this morning. A relieved, let the breath out kind of chuckle. I came to the readings today with a bit of dread - much of this has been so hard, has required a great deal of reflection and begging of God to fix what is broken.  I am still full of fearful gratitude, but it's of the more tired, busted up variety at this point.

It was sweet relief then to read this morning, "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Heb. 4: 16)

I can't remember hearing a lot from the church folk about how awesome it is to have confidence. Most probably because confidence and pride live a little too closely to each other and you know how the Jesus-y types hate their pride. Almost prideful about how much they hate it actually.

But I digress. I guess I like the idea that we get to walk up to the throne, whatever that is, and act like we belong. We get to believe that God is going to be glad to see us, and happy to hand over some grace and mercy as needed. The image that I have in my head is of my son running into the house from playing with friends and breathlessly asking for snacks. No part of him worries if he's allowed in the house, if he's allowed to ask for sustenance, if I'll hand him sand instead and tell him to toughen up.  He has lots of confidence that he can come right in and ask me to give what he knows I have.

As so today it's kind of nice to walk into what this day will require, full of gladness that when I find myself in need of mercy or desperate to find grace for our time of need, I'll be able to just run inside and ask.

Hebrews 4:12-16

New International Version (NIV)

¹² For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. ¹³ Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Jesus the Great High Priest

¹⁴ Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,^[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵ For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Lent 9

I think today I may have found the spot in my brain to remember that when I open the Bible and end up in Isaiah, I flip backwards to find the Psalms. Nine days friends. Nine days it took me to figure that out.

This morning before settling into this, I made the mistake of checking facebook. A friend had posted a link to the blog, and pulled a quote from Lent 6.  I read it about 17 times and every time, thought to myself, "That's fucking awesome. Damn, I'm good."  It was a sweet swell of pride that I couldn't really shake, and through all the readings, my brain kept coming back to the spot (next to where I'll be remembering Psalms' location maybe) where I kept that experience of loving my own self.

Listen, I know it's okay to be proud of one's efforts. I don't need to pretend at false modesty to please the Lord. But the line is so thin, the line between thankful pleasure and self-glorifying pride. And when this entire Lent has been a journey to discovering my own sin, and how often that sin is just plain forgetting what God has done and preferring to build my own idol to worship... well, I'm a bit weepy this morning.

Maybe a lot weepy. It's possible I'm crying my eyes out while I type this.

Because of course, through this Lent, God's mercies have been new every morning: God keeps on showing up and keeps on whispering to this heart. In the Psalm, our God says to God's people, I appreciate all these sacrifices, I do. But I don't need them. I'll take your thanks offering instead. Please. I had to look it up in Wikipedia, but this means that "no physical offering, only praise is implied." In Deuteronomy, God tells Moses to tell those stiff-necked Israelites that they won't be destroyed this time, and asks Moses to make one more set of tablets for the do-over. In Hebrews, the writer reminds God's people to rest, just like God rested, so that we won't fall into disobedience again.

And finally in John, this. This one that leaves me crying all over again: "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what s/he has done has been done through God."  (v. 21)

I am doing my damndest to live by the truth. May it be plainly seen that what I do has been done through God. And today I will not sacrifice more than thanks - I will carry gratitude in this heart and I will even rest from self-questioning so that I don't fall into disobedience and build a little idol to my own awesomeness. I am thankful, deeply, deeply thankful, that this discipline has brought out parts of me I like. But I am more thankful that the God I love is not silent when I seek that God out.

And I am crying my eyes out in fearful gratitude.

Please read all the passages here, but for today, I'll leave you with Psalm 50.

Psalm 50

A psalm of Asaph.

¹ The Mighty One, God, the Lord,
    speaks and summons the earth
    from the rising of the sun to where it sets.
² From Zion, perfect in beauty,
    God shines forth.
³ Our God comes
    and will not be silent;
a fire devours before him,
    and around him a tempest rages.
⁴ He summons the heavens above,
    and the earth, that he may judge his people:
⁵ “Gather to me this consecrated people,
    who made a covenant with me by sacrifice.”
⁶ And the heavens proclaim his righteousness,
    for he is a God of justice.^[a][b]

⁷ “Listen, my people, and I will speak;
    I will testify against you, Israel:
    I am God, your God.
⁸ I bring no charges against you concerning your sacrifices
    or concerning your burnt offerings, which are ever before me.
⁹ I have no need of a bull from your stall
    or of goats from your pens,
¹⁰ for every animal of the forest is mine,
    and the cattle on a thousand hills.
¹¹ I know every bird in the mountains,
    and the insects in the fields are mine.
¹² If I were hungry I would not tell you,
    for the world is mine, and all that is in it.
¹³ Do I eat the flesh of bulls
    or drink the blood of goats?

¹⁴ “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,
    fulfill your vows to the Most High,
¹⁵ and call on me in the day of trouble;
    I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”

¹⁶ But to the wicked person, God says:

“What right have you to recite my laws
    or take my covenant on your lips?
¹⁷ You hate my instruction
    and cast my words behind you.
¹⁸ When you see a thief, you join with him;
    you throw in your lot with adulterers.
¹⁹ You use your mouth for evil
    and harness your tongue to deceit.
²⁰ You sit and testify against your brother
    and slander your own mother’s son.
²¹ When you did these things and I kept silent,
    you thought I was exactly^[c] like you.
But I now arraign you
    and set my accusations before you.

²² “Consider this, you who forget God,
    or I will tear you to pieces, with no one to rescue you:
²³ Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me,
    and to the blameless^[d] I will show my salvation.”

Lent 8

You know, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the Israelites and their 40 years in the desert. But this Lent I'm finding it newly compelling. It is a trick because I do find myself reminding myself that what God says to those people isn't what God is saying to us today - we're not meant to read it as a How To in 2013. I do try to remember that the story is there to remind us of who our God is and how our God is faithful and constant despite our own unfaithfulness and inconstancy.

It's harder to remember that our God is a God who gets rageous and wants to kill us all when we stop loving God The Most.

I've created a story for myself where God gets over it once Jesus dies and is resurrected - all that anger, gone! Poof! Vanished!

But when we read Deuteronomy and Hebrews at the same time, a person has to wonder if maybe all that anger isn't gone so much. Maybe wonder if the state of our hearts today does matter a great deal to the Creator. Maybe wonder if God doesn't just lose God's shit from time to time when we start collecting gold to make a statue to worship because the promise we decided was promised is taking too long to be delivered.

The pain seems to be most acute for the Creator when the people who have known better and loved God and thanked God for all that God has given over time forget all that and start grumbling about all that God is not doing and all that is being withheld and gather up their better ideas and their smarter authors and bloggers and build a new god to worship. God seems to weep in anger when we do that, when we find a new god who will deliver what we want faster and more gloriously.

What does it take to be a person who remembers and keeps on worshiping the God Who Provides and not build a new one for myself?

Deuteronomy 9:13-21

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ And the Lord said to me, “I have seen this people, and they are a stiff-necked people indeed! ¹⁴ Let me alone, so that I may destroy them and blot out their name from under heaven. And I will make you into a nation stronger and more numerous than they.”
¹⁵ So I turned and went down from the mountain while it was ablaze with fire. And the two tablets of the covenant were in my hands. ¹⁶ When I looked, I saw that you had sinned against the Lord your God; you had made for yourselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. You had turned aside quickly from the way that the Lord had commanded you. ¹⁷ So I took the two tablets and threw them out of my hands, breaking them to pieces before your eyes.
¹⁸ Then once again I fell prostrate before the Lord for forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water, because of all the sin you had committed, doing what was evil in the Lord’s sight and so arousing his anger. ¹⁹ I feared the anger and wrath of the Lord, for he was angry enough with you to destroy you. But again the Lord listened to me. ²⁰ And the Lord was angry enough with Aaron to destroy him, but at that time I prayed for Aaron too. ²¹ Also I took that sinful thing of yours, the calf you had made, and burned it in the fire. Then I crushed it and ground it to powder as fine as dust and threw the dust into a stream that flowed down the mountain.

Lent 7

The readings leave me troubled this morning. Unsettled. And more than any other morning so far, it is the collection of them together that is a bother. The Psalm is a bit odd and sits on it's own, but when we read the Deuteronomy story with the passage from Hebrews with the story in John, it is hard to avoid a God who is really, really angry. And a bit disappointed. And resigned.

I have enjoyed my cleverness as you'll know. I have enjoyed figuring out what the Word is saying to me, and how profound and awesome that is. I like pretending that one of the other two people reading this - namely, my mother - will be a awestruck too, at the surprising depth and new revelations I trip across this Lent.

It's not that I'm not taking seriously the words themselves - my sin is real and foolishness and wisdom and wine and all that - all of it makes me thoughtful and grateful for our God. But I do find it difficult to sink into a darkness and linger in the terrible of being human. I don't want to wallow in my broken self today, just because it's Lent. I'll do that soon enough, just because it's Day 26 of my cycle.

And yet, when I read God's words to the people of Israel - You are a stiff-necked people. Don't think I did this for you! I did this because I made a promise to Moses and Abraham. Your righteousness is a joke. - it is hard to avoid hearing a quiet rebuke to this heart. When I read in Hebrews again, the line about not being allowed to enter in God's rest because our hearts are always going astray... I can't help but think that my daily walk down I'm So Awesome Alley isn't maybe considered "astray".

This is the season for being troubled and so as warmly as I can, I welcome this. I will do my best imitation of prayer this morning and ask what it is that I'm meant to hear, and how I'm meant to be changed by what it is that's said. 

I'll do that.

I leave you with Deutoronomy, but do read the others for the day.

Deuteronomy 9:4-12

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ After the Lord your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, “The Lord has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness.” No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord is going to drive them out before you. ⁵ It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the Lord your God will drive them out before you, to accomplish what he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. ⁶ Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.

The Golden Calf

⁷ Remember this and never forget how you aroused the anger of the Lord your God in the wilderness. From the day you left Egypt until you arrived here, you have been rebellious against the Lord. ⁸ At Horeb you aroused the Lord’s wrath so that he was angry enough to destroy you. ⁹ When I went up on the mountain to receive the tablets of stone, the tablets of the covenant that the Lord had made with you, I stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water. ¹⁰ The Lord gave me two stone tablets inscribed by the finger of God. On them were all the commandments the Lord proclaimed to you on the mountain out of the fire, on the day of the assembly.
¹¹ At the end of the forty days and forty nights, the Lord gave me the two stone tablets, the tablets of the covenant. ¹² Then the Lord told me, “Go down from here at once, because your people whom you brought out of Egypt have become corrupt. They have turned away quickly from what I commanded them and have made an idol for themselves.”

Lent 6

I think I'm cheating today. I should probably dig into one of those Psalms, or figure out what all this Deuteronomy has to do with Lent. But the Gospel today is a favourite. Yet another verse that makes me laugh out loud and that this time reminds me of the time my sweet home group figured out either Jesus was a bit of a jerk, or John had a secret agenda to make us kind of like John a bit more than Jesus.

Either way, the story of the first miracle is awesome for two reasons: one, Jesus makes wine so that a party doesn't have to end early and poorly; and two, Mary, mother of Jesus totally outs him.

Read this:

John 2:1-11

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Changes Water Into Wine

2 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, ² and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. ³ When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”

⁴ “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.”
⁵ His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
⁶ Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
⁷ Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
⁸ Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, ⁹ and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside ¹⁰ and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
¹¹ What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

Awesomely, my Bible footnotes tell me that the word 'woman' in verse 4 does not denote any disrespect. Just the part where he says to his mother, "Why do you involve me?"  This is so great to me.

Jesus at this point is what, 30 years old? Bachelor, living close to home, maybe building some stuff in his dad's shop? He's gone out and made some new friends all of a sudden and now they're all at a wedding together. One can't help but wonder if the extra 12 guys had anything to do with the hosts running out of wine. Clearly Mary thinks so, because when she realizes the wine is gone, she goes straight to Jesus.  Being in full-blown delayed adolescence apparently, Jesus rolls his eyes (it's in the greek, I'm sure) and says, "It's not my time yet" and is probably already walking back towards his friends when he hears his mother say to the caterers, "Just do what he says."

This is a woman, who 30 years earlier had been visited by an angel of the Lord, who had heard that the child she was carrying was The Son Of The Most High and that he would inherit the throne of David. She had been visited by Magi and shepherds and a chorus of angels had sung Hallelujahs over his manger beginnings. To be sure, he had shown some moments of brilliance over the years, but at 30, he had no throne, no armies, no wife, not even a miracle to show for all that hoopla at the beginning.

She was done. Tired of him saying "it's not yet my time". Tired of him not being who she so believed he should be. So she outed him, forced his hand. Forced him to prove to her, his own mother, that he was indeed who he had been promised to be.

This dynamic - his reluctance, her impatience - this is Being Human, fully human. I don't know all about why John is so weird, but if you read the whole book, he is just a strange dude with a strange take on things. But he holds the balance of our God fully God and being fully human just right.

The Hebrews passage today visits this idea too, that Jesus understands our pain and suffering because he too suffered as all our fleshly selves do. He was tempted, and suffered physical pain, and had a pushy mother. He knows how you feel.

I guess this is on my list of reasons for loving the God I love: our God chose to be with us and not just above us or better than us or greater than us or the boss of us. Our God chose to suffer with us, the spiritual equivalent of a parent getting down on their knees to look a crying child in the eyes and pull them in close. Our God is that God, and it leaves me full of love.

As I make sense of my broken, sinful heart this week, and try to give some of it up for Lent, it is good to remember that these 40 days are my own small way of saying to God, I noticed that time you suffered with us, and this hint o' suffering I've taken on in this fast is reminding me of that, and leaving me thankful all over again.

I have indeed taken on a small fast this Lent, but as I think about how fully Jesus became human and the extent of his suffering, my own tiny giving up seems like the cheapest kind of solidarity.

Huh. Now what? 

Lent 5

I am finding it difficult to do this this morning. I'm a bit distracted by all the great solutions I have for other people's problems. I keep congratulating myself on being smart enough not to have those problems in the first place and knowing how those people can fix their problems in the second.

My brain is kind of a gross place to be this morning.

Of the five readings we're offered each day, I have been choosing the one that grabs my heart first, the one that makes me stop for a moment and think a bit differently about things. Today, none jumped out at me. The Psalms were boring old praise-God-God's-so-great classics that we've all heard before. Deuteronomy... really? I guess it's good to be remembering the stories of God's faithfulness to the people of Israel but there's not an immediate relatable moment there for me most days. And Mark? Another cryptic message in red letters that is supposed to explain it all but mostly leaves me guessing. Boo.

So that leaves Corinthians. Paul, again. And we all know what I think of Paul. I should probably read up on why his letters were included in this Canon because truly, they so often just make me feel like I've joined a really shitty cult. The passage included today is no exception. All I thought while I read it was, I bet the Creationists love this one! 

But a friend has pointed out in her book (if you are married, you should be reading this book), the question or idea that most upsets you is often the place you should spend some time. And by 'you', I probably should mean me.

So I spent some time with dumb Paul and dumb Corinthians and of course had to face a truth: the foolishness of God is wiser than my wisdom. The dumbest stuff God has come up with is still better than my best stuff. I am forced to wonder if I believe this. And in truth, I'm not sure.

I like my smartness. I like all my solutions to other people's problems. Sometimes I like to dress them up as God's solutions so that people will think I'm humble and all that. But I know my heart, and I know my heart likes to enjoy how clever I am.

I can't say for sure, but I think this is more of that pesky sin I'm meant to let die.

I'll be thinking on this: "It is because of [God] that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: 'Let they who boast boast in the Lord.'" I guess I'll be asking God to do a miracle and turn my heart into a heart that believes this all the way through. Cause a miracle feels necessary.

1 Corinthians 1: 18 - 31

Christ Crucified Is God’s Power and Wisdom

¹⁸ For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. ¹⁹ For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
    the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”^[c]

²⁰ Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ²¹ For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. ²² Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, ²³ but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, ²⁴ but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. ²⁵ For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”^[d]

Lent 4

I didn't really understand why Titus was on the list.  Yet one more letter from crazy Paul to one of his guys somewhere out there with lots of words about submitting to each other and being like Paul. I'm a bit down on Paul I guess, not for any good reason, except for maybe how hard it is to understand the book of Romans. Did he even write that one? I should look into that.

Anyway.  Titus. Lent. Preparing for the death and resurrection. Letting sin die, and Life return.

Right.

Or in this case, not right. Good instead.  A whole chapter in the Bible that says Don't worry so much about being right; put your energy into being good. I read it three or four times before I stopped reading it for other people and realized maybe this was a word for me. Not for my husband, not for old co-workers and current church-sharers. This is for this heart, this Lent.

Down in verse nine we read to avoid foolish controversies and argument because they're useless. Useless! And yet my list of quarrels feels absolutely NOT foolish and hardly useless at all! A divisive person though, is to be warned once, then twice, and then just ignored. Because such a person is "warped and sinful; [they are] self-condemned."

Self-condemned. And to think 4 days ago I was having a hard time thinking up sin.

This weekend I will start asking God to whisper useless and foolish in my ear every time this dark heart starts reciting arguments and is tempted to quarrel. And then I will have the good sense to ask for forgiveness, ask for that part of me to die so that Life can come instead, and live.

Titus 3

New International Version (NIV)

Saved in Order to Do Good

3 Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, ² to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

³ At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. ⁴ But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, ⁶ whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷ so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. ⁸ This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.
⁹ But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. ¹⁰ Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. ¹¹ You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

Final Remarks

¹² As soon as I send Artemas or Tychicus to you, do your best to come to me at Nicopolis, because I have decided to winter there. ¹³ Do everything you can to help Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their way and see that they have everything they need. ¹⁴ Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order to provide for urgent needs and not live unproductive lives.
¹⁵ Everyone with me sends you greetings. Greet those who love us in the faith.
Grace be with you all.

Lent 3

I sure do love the Psalms.

These readings take us all over the Bible every day and I do love reading parts I don't visit often (Titus is between the Timothy's and Hebrews by the way. Pesky little devil to find.). As I read odd bits of Deuteronomy and John, I remember how handy this Bible is for all kinds of situations, full of wisdom and good counsel and the story of who our God is - love it.

But the Psalms. The Psalms are where someone else has already figured out how to tell God our story.  Where someone else heartbroken and afraid, full of love for the Creator, for creation, on the hunt for goodness and righteousness - where someone has written that heart down and left it for us to slide into and make our own.  I know David has real flesh-and-bone enemies but his words are as helpful for my Anxiety and Depression enemies, you know?

Today we read Psalm 95 again, and again I got caught by the last line, "They shall never enter my rest." It grabs me because of course, that is my favourite place, Rest.  God's rest, the quiet resting place that is the best parts of my marriage, a good lounge chair next to a pool, the ocean slapping the bottom of my boat while wind pushes us along -  to be banned from any of that would be my Hell.

And what, oh what, threatens to keep us from that rest? "Today, if you hear my voice, do not harden your hearts... though [you have] seen what I did" (v. 7, 8 & 9).  (That is terrible paraphrasing. Sorry.)

It is to have seen and known what God has done. It is to have made space to hear God's voice and then actually to have heard it.  And then it is to decide that was is said is not actually heart-change-worthy, or too hard, or just not needed and act like it wasn't actually said.

That's when we lose the Rest.

I am thankful to be hearing and I will join the Psalmist in praise for a God who speaks and who loves  and who holds everything, in even my deepest oceans and highest mountains. And I will rest.  Will you?

Psalm 95

¹ Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
    let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
² Let us come before him with thanksgiving
    and extol him with music and song.

³ For the Lord is the great God,
    the great King above all gods.
⁴ In his hand are the depths of the earth,
    and the mountain peaks belong to him.
⁵ The sea is his, for he made it,
    and his hands formed the dry land.

⁶ Come, let us bow down in worship,
    let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
⁷ for he is our God
    and we are the people of his pasture,
    the flock under his care.

Today, if only you would hear his voice,
⁸ “Do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
    as you did that day at Massah in the wilderness,
⁹ where your ancestors tested me;
    they tried me, though they had seen what I did.
¹⁰ For forty years I was angry with that generation;
    I said, ‘They are a people whose hearts go astray,
    and they have not known my ways.’
¹¹ So I declared on oath in my anger,
    ‘They shall never enter my rest.’”