One thing that is tricky is knowing when change is permanent and when change is temporary.
My faith story includes a turn in the road where Everything Changed and that Change has remained. And while I am mostly sure it will remain, I can't be sure. But really, I'm pretty sure.
This week has brought some big shit. The kind where I think we'll look back and go, Wow, that was when it all changed. Granted, I get that the more things change, the more they stay the same, so there will be lots that is just as it's always been. But it feels like some kind of core thing has been adjusted or moved or tweaked.
One "symtom" of said adjustment is a certain new quietness in my soul where not all that long was a static-y inteference. Maybe like I've finally tuned my radio to CBC Radio 3 properly - stringed harmonies where grating white noise once lived. Right now it's playing out in my space with SJ, where it feels just a little less urgent to make it clear that I'm Right in any given moment; where there's a willingness to wait a beat longer.
We haven't been married forever, but we've been married long enough that we know no season is permanent. But is it dumb to hope that this newly tuned radio stays tuned? I don't mind the odd commercial break, but if it was Clear when it was clear, that would be really, really great. It would be an 'and' in this story of ours.*
We'll see I guess. Truly, this is a time when only time will tell. I think if I turn into the kind of person who prays for things, I'm going to pray for this one to stick.
*My Theology of And: If "everything happens for a reason", then the bad things that happen are proof that God's an asshole because surely the Almighty could come up with a better way of making things happen than the many and varied Bad Things that good people must endure. However, if God is indeed Good All The Time, and All Things Work For Good, then we can believe in Ands. As in, "This Bad Thing happened and I saw this Good too because our God is resourceful and made a silk purse out of this pig's ear." So much more bearable than "This Bad Thing Happened so that I could see this Good." Make sense?
2 comments:
You have hit the nailon the head my friend, I think.
Remember how Ross would stick his arms out describing his range of emotions like the size of a fish? Before marriage, before children and now?
Well, I teased the hell out of him for it, but it's true.
There is a yin and yang, a darkness before dawn. And Gods gift to me during the Cancer Crisis of 2007/2008 was to see the beauty more regularly and fully. I loved and appreciated the snowman Nurse Alan built outside Josh's window when he was in isolation I didn't harp on being sad that Josh couldn't go out and play. The best snowball fight I ever had was the indoor one a few days later in the Oncology playroom when the same Nurse brought in snowballs.
Who in their right mind would allow a child to have an indoor snowball fight? All the mess you can imagine occured, but it was the best and brings a huge smile to my face even still. God allowed that big "AND", don't you think?
But K, was the change permanent? Do you still see the beauty more regularly? I want some of the Good provided to last - I feel like I need it to, to make the shit more... worthwhile?
And was the AND that the snowball fight happened, or that you got to a place where the snowball fight was Good?
I have a few of my own ANDs from that time. That's why I have hope for this time too... I guess that's yet another AND. Wowza.
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