Tonight is my 20th Grad Reunion and I have woken up this morning with a giant Nobody Likes Me growing right in the middle of my brain.
I had felt it coming on the last few days, but I'm not a teenager anymore and know these things are easily treated with a little healthy self-talk, some affirming connections and of course, gratitude. I applied all three liberally and went to bed last night still feeling a bit off, but certain that sleep and a new day would bring restored peace.
Wrong-O Buck-O.
It's worse than ever. I'm pretty sure the friends I spent the evening with only invited me because they had to - they've started running together every Monday morning which is obviously their way of slowing easing me out of the circle. It goes without saying that if we were truly friends they would know never to mention running to me... No friends (and by "no friends", I mean "neither of the two I took the time to call and whom I would enjoy") can meet me early tonight to make me feel better about showing up at all because one is driving from White Rock after spending the day in Richmond and the other has to pick her husband up from work downtown before running to Lions Bay and back - likely stories both. Probably they're going to a cool kids party first that I wasn't invited to...
The thing is, I know I'm mostly being ridiculous. But there is the small part of me that is crying on the couch while I type this that isn't sure this is ridiculous at all. That part of me is feeling lonely, and fairly convinced that living with my flaws on the outside as often as I do has been a terrible mistake.
To be sure, I don't think that keeping all those flaws tucked away on the inside (as I assume those other un-flawed-looking people must do, assured as I am that all of humanity is flawed) is a wise or prudent thing to do, and in my case, probably not even possible. And yet, there are days when knowing that all my flaws are so well-known by so many is just too hard to live with - I prefer the version of my life where everyone around me is astounded by my awesomeness and yet loves being around me because I'm so frikkin' humble about said awesomeness.
Oh well. Chances are this will clear up in a few days and in the meantime, I'm just going to have to take a few extra minutes tonight to cover up the Nobody Likes Me with some of my better I'm Good! Concealer and hope for the best. I'll let you know how it goes.
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UPDATE: Well, I my concealer worked and I think most people I bumped into walked away believing I'm Good! Happily my True Friend kindly challenged local speed restrictions to meet me at the front door so that I wouldn't have to enter unaccompanied and that was deeply appreciated.
I also spent some time with a few people that reminded me what good friends I had in my youth, and of course that leaves me thankful. It is a bit miraculous that so much of my formative years was spent with unusually thoughtful and kind people who have of course emerged as thoughtful and kind grown-ups.
Gratitude. It's always gratitude that saves me.
In short, everything went better than expected.
Stakes are funny, aren't they? Not the vampire-killing variety, but the ones that weigh on us. So often they're self-imposed, but that doesn't help when we feel their weight.
I've probably already said this to you in some digital context, but my favourite mantra on this subject:
Hold on tightly, let go lightly.
Darren, I'm still mulling on Holding it Tightly, Letting Go Lightly. I can't get my head around it, but it sounds so good.
I like that you're part of the story. A good part. Thanks.
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