Yucky Mean Self

It will surprise few of you to read that I think fairly highly of myself. I am smart, witty, easy on the eyes, well-weighted, and of course, now a Writer. I am not without flaws, but most often leave a favourable impression. I know all these great things are true because were they not, how could I possibly have collected so many oddly wonderful people as friends? Yes, I am as they say, Confident.

One of the great things about me though, actually, my Very Favourite Thing About Me, is that I know myself well and have great insight into me. When I misstep, it takes hardly a moment for me to discern what precipitated the unfortunate error and to make whatever corrections are required to return to my otherwise Right Way.

As such, I end up with posts like Friday's where I explore a deep flaw like being a tad Judgy, and arrive at some Truth about it that reassures You, Faithful Reader that I am Aware and Working On It. Successfully.

You can imagine then, that when the Blog Looking Glass fails, it is a bit... upsetting.

I was innocently listening to CBC's radio program Asunder this morning, when the show's host Rachel Cave referenced John Gottman's thinking about marriage wreckers and then played him talking about two in particular, Contempt and Stonewalling. When you hear a person describe how a particular trait is an almost sure-fire guarantee of divorce, and then hear that person go on to describe exactly how you argue with your spouse, it can be, well... upsetting.

I have conceded for a long time, perhaps since the beginning of time, that I am argumentative. I like a good (word) fight, love a protracted debate, thrill at a verbal joust well thrown. I have further conceded that I may sometimes win said contests by drowning my opponent in eloquence rather than convincing him (or her) to join me on my Raft of Rightness. And as my married friends will know, marriage provides no shortage of opportunities to hone these skills, particularly if a person has chosen a spouse who is also perhaps just a tad argumentative himself.

Having read much on marriage, including John Gottman, I have been fairly comfortable believing that the quantity of conflict in our marriage was well within the norm, and that if we continued to practice not only conflicting, but also resolving in front of our children, all would be well. Or at least Well-ish.

It was devastating then, to realize quite suddenly that the quality of our conflict was in fact of the dangerous sort. Or more accurately, that the quality of my style of conflict was of the dangerous sort.

I am still unsure what to do next. I will probably browse through Dr. Gottman's site to see if he offers any Cures In A Quote that I can use. I am a bit assured to see that it follows on the theme begun in Friday's post: I like it when God is so leading and clear about what my soul needs and where the Spirit is busy in my world.

But mostly I'm a bit shaken in my Confidence, in my assuredness that I'm OK. It may be that my Yucky Mean Self is not just a funny line in a Esteem-Affirming Self-Assessment Blog.