When Moisturizer Goes Wrong

So I'm having some major safety issues. As in, I have no idea what is safe. This was not so much of a problem when she was wee and mostly immobile but with her new-found exploring mobility, we are finding ourselves in a heap of trouble.

This morning, our first call to Poison Control. I thought the tube of moisturizer was a safe play thing. In fact, it keeps her hands busy during most diaper changes. So she's playing away with it while I put something away in the kitchen and when I turn around next, the top is off and she's got a big smear of moisturizer across her lip. She seems happy enough and she's not making "I've got icky lotion in my mouth" faces, but who knows right? So I grab the bottle and read the back to see if I should be worried and right there on the back in bold no less, "Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center immediately."

Okay, so I'm a bit concerned, but mostly not really because it's a product made to be spread all over a baby's body and surely the makers realize that it's going to make it to a baby's mouth eventually, so probably it's not straight up poison. But just to be safe I'll call. Sure enough, the lady on the other end of the phone has a nice giggle and we agree together that the oats are just a bit more breakfast this morning and no harm, no foul.

Mostly, I think about how I'll tell this story on my blog.

But then slowly, I start thinking, "My God. You're going to kill her."

I would say on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm about an 8 when it comes to fear about my own personal safety. I don't like skiing or bicycle riding or roller blading because I can't stop and I'm afraid of getting hurt stopping against a very unyielding object. I, of course, am terrified of fire but mostly of getting burned. I can not jump off diving boards higher than about 18 inches off the surface of the water.

However, with my daughter, I am fearless. Sure she can climb up a lawn chair. No problem, playing with my hair dryer cord. Want to try climbing up into the playhouse out back - give 'er. Scott doesn't want her playing in the dishwasher because he sees it is unsafe - knives, dishwasher soap, to say nothing of gross dried up food items. But me, I think "fun exploring".

I think maybe in my desperation to not have a daughter paralyzed by fear as I believe myself to be, I may be exposing her to inappropriate risk. This becomes its own terrification for me.

Parenting is a funny gig if you're even halfway paying attention, in that it seems to be a constant balancing of my issues against her issues-to-be. Right now the questions are about safety, but soon they'll be about respectfulness of others or self-esteem or community action and each time it will require seeing who I am and who I wish I was and somehow balancing that against who she is and not imposing who I wish she was. Because surely that's the most dangerous thing: trying to raise her to be who I wish I was.