I Need a Saviour

I don't know why I don't know to avoid the blog jinx effect.  Or to at least consider it more thoroughly before posting something.

Last post I allowed myself to believe that maybe this Christmas I would be able to let a person's best love feel like Christmas.

Today I decided someone's best love was a shitpile and that it could only make me feel angry and ugly. And even this evening as I try to process it and find the truth and get to good and mostly just get over it, it all feels impossible and I wonder why Jesus even bothered to come and do what was done if He can't even cure me of this.  It's not like he hasn't had several years to work on this particular problem.

Writing that, I realize that I might sound a tiny bit self-involved, a bit selfishly convinced that the blood that was shed was merely to help me get over a petty rage. And I know that there were bigger fish to fry: you know, that whole Lost Humanity Loved By the Father. The poor, the lost, the last, the least - those are the ones the Saviour came to redeem. The Kingdom is for such as these.

But in the tiny, dark corners of my heart, there is a secret hope that maybe the redemption would also work for petty rage.

I think I have to quit before I annoy myself even more. But know that this Advent, I am aware that my best efforts are falling short. Crap theology though it may be, I know how badly I need the gift that I wish was being offered.