An Easing

By about 10am this morning, I think we conceded that we had officially let everyone down.  There was not a single person in our immediate world who had not had an expectation dashed, a hope thwarted by the 14th Street Johnsons. 

We both felt badly for a while. Kind of sick-to-our-stomach, hopeless, maybe-we-should-just-quit terrible. That we were exhausted and cranky having been up all night with a food-poisoned second born did us little good. We sipped our coffee and wondered about any others we should crush or disappoint while on this hot streak but realized we had been pretty thorough.

We fed our children a terrible lunch and put them to bed, and then climbed into bed ourselves for our own nap.  I don't know how long my beloved slept for but an hour-and-a-half later I made myself get up, knowing that our home was bereft of dinner-making options.  I didn't notice it right away in my post-nap groggery, but somewhere along the freeway on my way home from the grocery store, I realized that I hadn't been clenching my jaw.  I noticed that my stomach seemed a tincy bit less knotted.  I was actually paying attention to the voices on the radio instead of the voices in my head.

I have lived with my own self long enough to know that the ebb and flow of crazy is unpredictable, yet certain.  It may return with tomorrow's oatmeal, but on the other hand, it may continue to dissolve away, making room for Light and Hope. 

It's possible that our letting down of The World is unrelated to the easing in my heart, but I suspect that there is some rest that comes when you realize you have spread your dis-ease as far and wide as is possible for the moment.

Whatever the recipe, I am tired but thankful at night's end.  That I have shared the last 24 hours with that sweet boy I married who is chosen by his ailing children over their mother in their own dis-ease, who cleans up vomit and does all the laundry and is kind to the one who has kept him awake all night... well, that I have eyes and heart to be thankful for him too seems like a separate and wonderful grace.

We may yet get back to the Box O' Advent! After all, tomorrow is Christmas with the Crawfords!