I want to write tonight, but I am so f&cking tired. No good reason, except maybe the rain, and not getting to bed early enough and having kids wake up too early. Oh, and being stuck at home with two sick kids, the kind of sick that you really owe it to the world to keep to yourself because it's just annoying. Happily, not pukey, but ouchey and fevery and therefore cranky and clingy. And did I mention stuck inside.
This is not a recipe for good mothering.
Or good wife-ing either. Especially when marriage partner is tired and cranky and stressed, in at least equal degree to me. Our home wasn't so pleasant today.
If I were going to write tonight, I would write a bit about injustice and how we feel it so keenly and meet it out so freely. I am pissed at my husband for not (insert long list of unsaid hopes and expectations here) but have held an angry grudge all day for him not reading my mind, for him not giving into his own tired and cranky and stressed, for him not curing our children. I think that's probably some low-grade marital injustice. And both of us were too tired to rise above and so just glared and snarked until work mercifully gave us some space.
I would say that my deep thoughts about injustice were sparked in part by the book, The Help, which I just finished this weekend. A book that is lingering in the way good books do. I would write about how sure I am I would be the wrong character in that book, and would be an injusticer and how maybe I'm hoping it's true that we're all injusticers one way or another, and maybe we need to practice more grace or something since the injustice-making just seems inevitable.
It would have been so inspiring. If only Nate wasn't waking up because his whole self is so unhappy.
If only I had ... well, whatever it is that would keep me from being cranky about this too.
3 comments:
I sympathize - I feel much the same way. My kids aren't sick, but I still feel like everyone is cranky and I'm not being a good mother or wife.
Oh friend! I am finally caught up. I had no idea you were posting away furiously again. Furiously frequently and furiously pissed off, annoyed, etc in your posts :) I don't think I've visited your blog since June!
Happy to know I can now come and check up on your newly declared Writer self.
I will be posting every once in a while. But nothing that requires such thought and self consideration as yours. It will continue as a baby blog as narrative sentences are all I can possibly squeeze out of my tired, rattling round in my head, brain.
@Valerie, let's believe these moments don't last forever. Or at least not long enough to be the only things our children remember of their childhood.
@Kate, now I have to be less furious! uh oh. Glad you're visiting now and again though. Maybe you'll find yourself writing a few not-just-a-mom thoughts too. After all, you are most certainly a Writer.
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