38 1/2 Weeks

So technically, only a week and a half to go. Or 3 and a half weeks. Or a few hours... Could be anytime I guess. I have been asked if I'm desperate to get it out, and I must confess I am not. I am increasingly uncomfortable dragging all this weight around but it is nowhere near as terrible as it could be. At least right now I know where the kid is, and I'm doing a reasonably good job of raising it. Hormones are steady, all my body parts where they ought to be, freedom to sleep in every morning... no I'm not desperate to end this at all.

That said, I am SO looking forward to meeting this one. I am looking forward to cuddles and kisses and the smallness. I am looking forward to Scott grabbing his child out of the carseat with one hand and grabbing a bag in the other and walking up the walk to our house with his Dad face on. It's such a clear picture to me...

I like to think about the things I'm looking forward to as it seems to be people's favourite thing to tell me all things I should dread. Why do we do that? The world is joy-robbing enough as it is, especially for those of us with anxiety fondness. So for now, I am practicing dwelling in the potential sweetnesses and walking my mind away from the fear and hopelessness that draw me so much more easily.

Yesterday, I found myself oddly weepy, thankful all over again for this moment in our lives. The journey was so not how we expected it to be, but is just how it should be nonetheless. I am thankful for Jolie - all our breakfasts at the Bakehouse and then that morning in September when she was right there to pray for us all right at the beginning. I am thankful for my Mum who prayed so quietly to herself for so long, waiting me out. I am thankful for my sister who did all the aunt things while understanding all the crazy things too. I am thankful for all our friends in our homegroup who prayed for us so often, and especially on that last un-pregnant Tuesday- there is such good faith and community built into that entire week, but that moment remains particularly sweet.

I am thankful for a Father in Heaven who loves us all three so much. So togetherly are we loved (yes, I do mean 'togetherly'...) already and then so faithfully are we loved each on our own. It is quite humbling over and over. That we have each been provided to each for the others so that we would each know Jesus better, each know God's deep love for us. So wonderful. So marvellous. So thankful I am.

Finally, I am thankful all over again for Scott. It is something else to realize that he is just so much better than I knew when I said yes to his brave marriage proposal. I didn't know. He was so good then and I figured we could probably pull this off with enough other people around to help us, but I knew nothing. Nothing at all. He is so good. Strong (not quite strong enough to carry me anymore apparently, but hell, who can?) and brave to do this with me. I see him carry the weight of having to provide for us, and how hard he is working at it and I wonder at the wonder of it. Who thought someone would take care of me?

Funny, I am sitting here weeping. Totally late for an appt but crying my eyes out in thankfulness for this boy I love so deeply. So thankful for him and all of who he is and none of that is in here. But before life gets all busy and crazy and I don't have time to remember that I love my husband, I just want it here that today at 38 and a half weeks, I know that God knew I would do better with Scott around. That he was the one to build a family with. That he was the one who would be a reminder all the time of how much God must love me...