Well, the hot water heater blew up. Or did whatever these things do when they give up living. Andrew came home from work and heard something not altogether right - sure enough, the utility room was full of water. Happily it is sunken and so water was prevented from running amok among his belongings and instead has just run under the sub-floor.
This is a moment when I am good in an emergency. No panic, no tears, just a phone call to the insurance company and Oreo cookies to sustain the menfolk while they take out the tank. Lots of soothing talk about how it's not a problem if money can solve it, and how we have money tucked away for exactly these moments anyway (or at least for an installment payment for these moments) and if no one is hurt then bad feelings are not required.
Unfortunately, me being good in an emergency did very little to make the boys feel any better. They're still frustrated and annoyed, as I suppose is to be expected when you spend 2 hours sucking water off the floor and removing tanks and doing whatever it is one does at a time like this.
Which brings us to tonight's theme: the uselessness of being Me.
Okay, that may be a bit bleak, to say nothing of inaccurate. But I have been thinking about how me being good and okay has a lot less sway than me being cranky and mean. It seems that it is much easier to be a force for evil than for good. And perhaps that's not just true for me. Maybe all of us impact others the most with our negatives, while our neutral and very good make very little impact.
I called a friend today to whine about an encounter with another friend. My feelings had been dinged and I wanted someone to say that it was extra terrible. The dinger is lovely and someone whom I enjoy a lot. I have yet to call anyone randomly on a Monday afternoon to tell them that though. I saved the call until I had a flaw to pass along. I'm sure it is a sad reflection on my character, but it also reminds me that it most often our short-comings that are noteworthy, that get passed along. Because they're what do damage, and damage does have to be reported. Just like our hot water heater.
This is juxtaposed against what also seems to be true - it is our good that lives, long after our bad has died. With very few exceptions, despite many, many difficult situations with room-mates, bosses, co-workers, church connections and friends (to say nothing of family and husbands), I carry in my heart only good memories of people. I mean, once we get a goodly distance away. A few years past some pretty dismal episodes with some important people who I thought I would dislike for eternity, I find myself instead full of fondness and goodwill when I think of them.
So our bad is our most vivid self in the present but our good is our lasting impression?
Huh. Not what I was thinking I'd write about, but there you go.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
No Pictures.
The only time I'm motivated to post is when I'm in front of the TV while Scott is at work and I've got the laptop in my... well, lap. Then I don't post though, because I have no photos on this computer to add to the dialogue and I'm pretty sure most of you are checking in to see the children, and to make sure I haven't done any irreperable damage.
But tonight I think I am officially giving up on kid-blogging. I mean, picture-required posting. I need to do some head-clearing and soul-arranging and I have yet to find a tool that beats writing. If you need photographic evidence that both children are alive, kindly consider visiting facebook. If you find my self-involved self-reflection a mood-lifter for your own life, then do visit again. I'll try to be a bit more consistent and see if that evens me out.
The only sadness in this is that there will be no more record of my children's development. This was it for the first few years - maybe I'll have to take up scrapbooking, or at least print out my status updates on facebook and stick them in a box somewhere.
After this lengthy introduction, it turns out I don't have much to write about. This minute.
So maybe I'll come back with content later. But this is it, my commitment to trying.
But maybe quickly, my kids. Cause there should be a record.
Talia is smart. Holy shit, is she smart. She is of course, wordy and talky and all that she has been for a long time. But she is also a connection maker. She remembers and collects random ideas and finds ways to bring them together. It's quite amazing actually. One day the other kids will catch up to her and it won't be amazing, but right now, watching a not-quite-3-year-old process so quickly and accurately is kind of inspiring. She sings and makes up songs about what is going on around her and she counts and can write the first 2 letters of her name. These seem like less amazing skills than taking my rings in the bathroom and arranging 5 of them to overlap each other and then saying, "Look, the Olympics!" I mean, really, isn't that shocking?? It's not like we've ever pointed out the Olympic rings, or drawn them together... she just observed them, and then replicated them with 5 circles in a completely different context 2 months after the event had ended.
She is also very feeling-aware, and right now, a bit bowled over by some of the bigger ones, like anger and disappointment. Kind of like her parents, come to think of it. She is getting really sensitive about Scott and I having any kind of conflict. Since us *not* having conflict seems unlikely, we have been inviting her into it in a way, asking if she is worried about Mummy and Daddy, or asking her if she wants to check in to see if we're okay. We talk about how we're frustrated but about how we're going to keep using our words until we can fix it. This seems to take the edge off for her, but I worry about what it does to her little heart. Not enough to actually change myself or anything, but enough to be glad that I believe in a God who redeems exactly this kind of shit.
Nate is ... Nate. He remains so mellow, maybe with a tendency to morose. Not sad, but he can do downtrodden like nobody's business. He is so sweet-spirited right now too, and holds on to me lots. Picking him up out of the crib after naps is my favorite I think, when his little body is so warm and he holds on to both shoulders with each hand, tucks his head in and just eases his way back to conscious. He is a food-lover which remains a surprise to me after having first raised a less food-aware person. He has a big belly that he points to with delight when you ask where his belly-button is. He likes to laugh and it is a bit sad how fun it is to make him laugh. I think he's got a streak of mischievous that will get funnier over time too.
He may also be a bit of an adrenaline junkie. At least more than I am. He's all about the big experience - jumps and throws and tosses of all kinds. He spent 20 minutes at the pool today, jumping into Scott's arms and going straight under water. He just loves it - Talia tolerated it, but doesn't crave it the way Nate seems too. It's fun to watch and live next to. He talks and talks but has yet to make any sense. I think we've deciphered "What's that?" and "Talia" and "Ooohh". And "bar-bar" seems to mean food. Any kind of food, but it's always insistent, with lots of pointing.
Scott remains the best dad I know. He has a way with these two. I guess he has always had a way with kids (the nephews, the neighbours...) but with these two it's just sweeter. Every day, without fail, no matter where he has been, or how long he has been away for, when he walks in the door he says "Talia! Where are you? Nate!" and comes in with arms wide open to scoop them up for hugs and noses. What a wonder to be so delighted in by your dad. My dad's own brand was different in presentation but had the same effect I think - I knew I was safe and loved by that guy and now my own kids get the same thing and oh my, I didn't even know to ask God for that one. They both love him so much and I think of how central a loving Father is to having good faith with good love and just plain good living, I am so deeply thankful for the father Scott is being to them both.
In our own lives, we have to work really hard at contentment and gratitude. Most days, we feel the lack more than the abundance and it is so life-sucking. I imagine that struggle will take up a lot of the room on this page.
I think I'll leave it here for now.
And so it begins. Again.
But tonight I think I am officially giving up on kid-blogging. I mean, picture-required posting. I need to do some head-clearing and soul-arranging and I have yet to find a tool that beats writing. If you need photographic evidence that both children are alive, kindly consider visiting facebook. If you find my self-involved self-reflection a mood-lifter for your own life, then do visit again. I'll try to be a bit more consistent and see if that evens me out.
The only sadness in this is that there will be no more record of my children's development. This was it for the first few years - maybe I'll have to take up scrapbooking, or at least print out my status updates on facebook and stick them in a box somewhere.
After this lengthy introduction, it turns out I don't have much to write about. This minute.
So maybe I'll come back with content later. But this is it, my commitment to trying.
But maybe quickly, my kids. Cause there should be a record.
Talia is smart. Holy shit, is she smart. She is of course, wordy and talky and all that she has been for a long time. But she is also a connection maker. She remembers and collects random ideas and finds ways to bring them together. It's quite amazing actually. One day the other kids will catch up to her and it won't be amazing, but right now, watching a not-quite-3-year-old process so quickly and accurately is kind of inspiring. She sings and makes up songs about what is going on around her and she counts and can write the first 2 letters of her name. These seem like less amazing skills than taking my rings in the bathroom and arranging 5 of them to overlap each other and then saying, "Look, the Olympics!" I mean, really, isn't that shocking?? It's not like we've ever pointed out the Olympic rings, or drawn them together... she just observed them, and then replicated them with 5 circles in a completely different context 2 months after the event had ended.
She is also very feeling-aware, and right now, a bit bowled over by some of the bigger ones, like anger and disappointment. Kind of like her parents, come to think of it. She is getting really sensitive about Scott and I having any kind of conflict. Since us *not* having conflict seems unlikely, we have been inviting her into it in a way, asking if she is worried about Mummy and Daddy, or asking her if she wants to check in to see if we're okay. We talk about how we're frustrated but about how we're going to keep using our words until we can fix it. This seems to take the edge off for her, but I worry about what it does to her little heart. Not enough to actually change myself or anything, but enough to be glad that I believe in a God who redeems exactly this kind of shit.
Nate is ... Nate. He remains so mellow, maybe with a tendency to morose. Not sad, but he can do downtrodden like nobody's business. He is so sweet-spirited right now too, and holds on to me lots. Picking him up out of the crib after naps is my favorite I think, when his little body is so warm and he holds on to both shoulders with each hand, tucks his head in and just eases his way back to conscious. He is a food-lover which remains a surprise to me after having first raised a less food-aware person. He has a big belly that he points to with delight when you ask where his belly-button is. He likes to laugh and it is a bit sad how fun it is to make him laugh. I think he's got a streak of mischievous that will get funnier over time too.
He may also be a bit of an adrenaline junkie. At least more than I am. He's all about the big experience - jumps and throws and tosses of all kinds. He spent 20 minutes at the pool today, jumping into Scott's arms and going straight under water. He just loves it - Talia tolerated it, but doesn't crave it the way Nate seems too. It's fun to watch and live next to. He talks and talks but has yet to make any sense. I think we've deciphered "What's that?" and "Talia" and "Ooohh". And "bar-bar" seems to mean food. Any kind of food, but it's always insistent, with lots of pointing.
Scott remains the best dad I know. He has a way with these two. I guess he has always had a way with kids (the nephews, the neighbours...) but with these two it's just sweeter. Every day, without fail, no matter where he has been, or how long he has been away for, when he walks in the door he says "Talia! Where are you? Nate!" and comes in with arms wide open to scoop them up for hugs and noses. What a wonder to be so delighted in by your dad. My dad's own brand was different in presentation but had the same effect I think - I knew I was safe and loved by that guy and now my own kids get the same thing and oh my, I didn't even know to ask God for that one. They both love him so much and I think of how central a loving Father is to having good faith with good love and just plain good living, I am so deeply thankful for the father Scott is being to them both.
In our own lives, we have to work really hard at contentment and gratitude. Most days, we feel the lack more than the abundance and it is so life-sucking. I imagine that struggle will take up a lot of the room on this page.
I think I'll leave it here for now.
And so it begins. Again.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Six months later and I finally get back to this. I am being tempted to start up a more regular blogging life again. Undecided if I do it here, or start a whole new one but for the time being, this can remain the Showing Off Children Spot.
This is Talia's first drawing of something. First time of "I am going to draw wheels" and then actually making shapes that match the intention. This seems like a moment and fun to have a video to keep track of said moment since drawing was done in such a temporary format. From now on, only etchings in plaster.
Enjoy.
Monday, September 14, 2009
All Done
Last week I lost my watch. I found it 2 days later in the bench next to the backdoor, carefully laid on top of the box marked "Stationary". Not where I would keep it, but a good hiding spot for a smaller person.
Although the watch was found, I never lost the feeling that something was missing. For days, I kept feeling that sinking incompleteness and would check my wrist, only to discover that the was watch was back in place, a sort of Groundhog Day meets Prodigal Watch.
Then Thursday I lost my keys.
The languishing lostness continues. It would seem the Universe is bringing me lostness and iss intent on me finishing the process. I wish It had taken something less critical though. Maybe a hat?
Because this morning I am done with this journey. I don't care what all this lost-ing should mean - I just want my keys and my All Is Well back.
Last night I dreamt that my dad announced he was leaving my mom. I dreamt that I was the kind of daughter that said all the angry things I had to say about that. It was one of those dreams where everyone is really them, not just dreamed up versions of themselves so I have had to spend the morning reminding myself that it was just a dream.
Somehow, it all feels connected, like the Force is yelling at me in every way It knows and I just can't quite make out what It's saying. What?? WHAT??
If you can hear better than I can, please fill me in. Otherwise, do you know where my keys are?
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sorry Odd People
Before I regale you with stories and photos from our first sailing adventure a quatre, a quick note about today.
I have now watched most of the bits and pieces of the Michael Jackson Memorial. I won't lie - I don't think of myself as a fan. I have liked many of his songs, but I didn't run out and buy an album ever. Isabella Sammarco probably choreographed a dance for us to one of his songs at some point but I couldn't tell you what one. The only Michael Jackson song in my heart is the one from Free Willy - just hearing the beginning bars puts me back in the living room of Point Street with Shiaheem. It was our song and it is a sweet memory to think of Shiaheem and Willy and the boy in that movie and even Michael Jackson all converging together in their alone-ness and not-belonging-ness. I didn't even get that until today.
But all this to say that watching the memorial and listening to the words of the songs he wrote and the words of those who loved him -- I realize that his life condemns me. His exclusion, his weirdness, his oddness as a way of life - I judged it, and I judge it in others almost every day. And yet he was loved. Probably in much the same way I am, the same way my kids are.
Brokeness is so easy to see, so easy to evaluate. I would prefer to learn to see the other parts though, to enjoy the goodness. To see what Jesus sees, love what Jesus loves.
So odd that Michael Jackson would teach me that.
But enough - back to us! My awesome family, odd though we may be. We went a-sailing, spending 2 nights on the new and improved Cheap Therapy and it was fabulous. Following are photos and maybe even a video. Watch for the father-daughter pleasure as well as hints of all the good work that Scotty has done to make our new ship sea-worthy.
Talia & Daddy out on the paddleboard at Elliott Bay.
There is something about this picture that made me realize, I'm the Mom. I don't think I have more to say about that at this time.
Nate just hangin' at lunch time.
He is truly this cute all the time. And T. is wearing her awesome pirate dress from Karen.
Talia having her morning coffee on the way home.
T. driving the boat. They are both so great.
I have now watched most of the bits and pieces of the Michael Jackson Memorial. I won't lie - I don't think of myself as a fan. I have liked many of his songs, but I didn't run out and buy an album ever. Isabella Sammarco probably choreographed a dance for us to one of his songs at some point but I couldn't tell you what one. The only Michael Jackson song in my heart is the one from Free Willy - just hearing the beginning bars puts me back in the living room of Point Street with Shiaheem. It was our song and it is a sweet memory to think of Shiaheem and Willy and the boy in that movie and even Michael Jackson all converging together in their alone-ness and not-belonging-ness. I didn't even get that until today.
But all this to say that watching the memorial and listening to the words of the songs he wrote and the words of those who loved him -- I realize that his life condemns me. His exclusion, his weirdness, his oddness as a way of life - I judged it, and I judge it in others almost every day. And yet he was loved. Probably in much the same way I am, the same way my kids are.
Brokeness is so easy to see, so easy to evaluate. I would prefer to learn to see the other parts though, to enjoy the goodness. To see what Jesus sees, love what Jesus loves.
So odd that Michael Jackson would teach me that.
But enough - back to us! My awesome family, odd though we may be. We went a-sailing, spending 2 nights on the new and improved Cheap Therapy and it was fabulous. Following are photos and maybe even a video. Watch for the father-daughter pleasure as well as hints of all the good work that Scotty has done to make our new ship sea-worthy.
Talia & Daddy out on the paddleboard at Elliott Bay.
There is something about this picture that made me realize, I'm the Mom. I don't think I have more to say about that at this time.
Nate just hangin' at lunch time.
He is truly this cute all the time. And T. is wearing her awesome pirate dress from Karen.
Talia having her morning coffee on the way home.
T. driving the boat. They are both so great.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Half Year
Oh my. Six months old this boy. Well, tomorrow he is, but lord knows if I will remember tomorrow, so I'm typing while the typing is good.
Six months. What is Nate like now? Much as he was at the beginning. He's a mellow kid who has a smile and laugh that make you want to do the same. As I said recently in an email to a group of fellow Mums, he's eating like Jesus is coming back, throwing back sweet potatoes and pears and oatmeal and like a second-born, bagels & arrowroot cookies. Someone asked if he was sitting up yet, and I realized I had no idea because I hadn't actually given him an opportunity to try. Oops. This week he is sleeping decently, waking up usually once sometime around 2 or 3, and then up for the day at 6 if I'm lucky, at 5 if it's a normal day. I am VERY looking forward to dark evenings and 8:00am sunrises. He is very amused by any singing and by his sister who is only just lately interested in playing with him. And I use the term 'with' loosely.
Talia is very two, and probably if I wasn't living with her, I would appreciate it more. While she throws around "no!" like a sullen teenager, she much prefers "I don't want to" and more infuriatingly, "I don't have to." Oh. My. Word. It is crazy-making and I am not yet equipped to parent it, but I'm letting myself off the hook and deciding I can take a few weeks to figure this one out.
She has moved into her 'big girl bed' and plans are afoot to move young Nate into her now-vacated crib. I am hoping that my 2 mostly-adaptable children will make this transition much more easily than I am expecting. It could happen, couldn't it?
This is Talia with her after-bath crazy hair. This was obviously taken a few months ago, back when it was cool enough to justify fleece pajamas, but the crazy hair itself hasn't changed much.
I have nice kids. In most situations, I like them best and am so glad I get to be a mum to them. Which is good, because I am also mostly exhausted all the time. Nate's current sleep pattern gives me hope for making it through the end of the year, but for a time there, he was up 4 or 5 times a night and I was becoming murderous. There is a reason why our bodies were designed to start having kids at 13 - when else can we live on so little rest??
There is probably much more to be typed but I am almost out of naptime and want one more snack and task done before they both wake up and we jump into the last half of the day.
But six months. It really does fly, just like they say...
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
For Auntie Nan
Oddly, she refuses to perform on demand. I swear she can say it and sing it. Regardless, our house sends warm birthday wishes to Auntie Nanny's house.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
I Hate Me
Don't send me for counselling. I don't actually hate me right now - I hate me a year and a half ago. I went back through the blog to see if any of this fresh hell is familiar (I can't count on myself to remember any of it accurately) and after much searching through the archives, found some hints of the sleep-less despair that is my life right now. But in every damned post, after a bit of whining comes all this glib, sunshiney, happy-clappy crap. How blessed we are, how great she is, how fan-fucking-tabulous life is.
blah blah blah. all true. don't care.
Can't write more because daughter slammed fingers in bathroom door (she was playing with bathroom door while I was ....indisposed; that said, if it keeps her busy, I probably wouldn't stop her anyways). She screamed. Cried. Of course she did. It woke up Nate. Of course it did. Instead of a 2 hour morning nap, he had 30 minutes. He will not go back to sleep and I have left him to wail in his crib so that I can type out how hard my life is. I am that mother.
I wonder if we'll get dressed.
blah blah blah. all true. don't care.
Can't write more because daughter slammed fingers in bathroom door (she was playing with bathroom door while I was ....indisposed; that said, if it keeps her busy, I probably wouldn't stop her anyways). She screamed. Cried. Of course she did. It woke up Nate. Of course it did. Instead of a 2 hour morning nap, he had 30 minutes. He will not go back to sleep and I have left him to wail in his crib so that I can type out how hard my life is. I am that mother.
I wonder if we'll get dressed.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Today's FAQs
Q. When your daughter sits down at her "restaurant" and orders "beer please", do you serve her?
A. As long as she has imaginary fake ID, she can have as much imaginary beer as she wants. I mean, she did say please after all.
Q. What are the alternate words to the second verse of 'Amazing Grace'?
A. Turns out that she wasn't making up her own language at all. She was saying "Oh crap... Oh crap... Fuck... Oh crap." Kind of in rhythm. Not so much in tune.
A. As long as she has imaginary fake ID, she can have as much imaginary beer as she wants. I mean, she did say please after all.
Q. What are the alternate words to the second verse of 'Amazing Grace'?
A. Turns out that she wasn't making up her own language at all. She was saying "Oh crap... Oh crap... Fuck... Oh crap." Kind of in rhythm. Not so much in tune.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Uncles Rock
Okay, just some gratuitous cuteness of all my kids, including Uncle Andy. If you turn the volume up, you should be able to hear both of them.
This is Talia after I asked her to "give Mummy a pretty smile" so that we could take a picture of her fancy crown. I am starting to wonder if Grandma is prepping her for Toddlers and Tiaras on their Friday dates.
And now and here is my boy in the exersaucer - this is up so that you can see his cute feet. They are even cuter in person.
This is Talia helping Daddy blow out his birthday candles, and then a shot with Nate and Grandpa Johnson included. Talia is quite chatty about blowing out candles now, and often sings "Happy Birthday to meeeeeee" at random times.
This is a video of Talia wearing her new (too big) helmet on Easter morning. She wore it for about 24 straight hours and decided she needed it to hunt for Easter eggs. Do note the ducking down to look low for the last egg. I wish I had kept filming though because at the end she walks over to give her treat to Mummy.
Finally, this is a picture that gave my soul much rest earlier this week. It is a picture of all the best parts of my life these days and reminds me that in the middle of the insanity of trying to parent two young ones, there is a wonderful peace underneath it all that sneaks up on me every once in a while and says "here I am". This week, it was in my backyard.
This is Talia after I asked her to "give Mummy a pretty smile" so that we could take a picture of her fancy crown. I am starting to wonder if Grandma is prepping her for Toddlers and Tiaras on their Friday dates.
And now and here is my boy in the exersaucer - this is up so that you can see his cute feet. They are even cuter in person.
This is Talia helping Daddy blow out his birthday candles, and then a shot with Nate and Grandpa Johnson included. Talia is quite chatty about blowing out candles now, and often sings "Happy Birthday to meeeeeee" at random times.
This is a video of Talia wearing her new (too big) helmet on Easter morning. She wore it for about 24 straight hours and decided she needed it to hunt for Easter eggs. Do note the ducking down to look low for the last egg. I wish I had kept filming though because at the end she walks over to give her treat to Mummy.
Finally, this is a picture that gave my soul much rest earlier this week. It is a picture of all the best parts of my life these days and reminds me that in the middle of the insanity of trying to parent two young ones, there is a wonderful peace underneath it all that sneaks up on me every once in a while and says "here I am". This week, it was in my backyard.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The Kids
Yep, they're now 'the kids'. Cause we're now a family. I wanted to write a lot about this, but I'm tired and out of steam to say nothing of out of creativity, but here are some pics and videos from the last month or so.
Talia's first pigtails. They are SO cute on her and we'll keep practicing so that it doesn't look like our pet monkey put them in.
Nate hanging in the Bumbo chair. He's not quite up for it, but we'll keep at it. This is his regular serious and thoughtful face, but if you chat with him for a bit he comes up with some pretty great smiles.
This is footage I caught of Talia reading Dolly a story. It was supercute. Usually if she sees the camera, she tries to come look at the pictures I'm taking so I get a lot of footage of her coming towards me to steal the camera. This was fun to see her so involved in her 'job'.
This is a terrible video of Nate playing in his bouncy seat. I will try harder to get better shots of him, but for now, it's a hint of the greatness that is the Natester.
This is T trying out her new "bike". There are several hilarious-to-Mummy-&-Daddy moments including her ongoing use of the word 'sorry' instead of excuse me. And without spoiling the end, how cute is she??? I mean really....
Talia "sharing" her crib with Nate.
Talia's first pigtails. They are SO cute on her and we'll keep practicing so that it doesn't look like our pet monkey put them in.
Nate hanging in the Bumbo chair. He's not quite up for it, but we'll keep at it. This is his regular serious and thoughtful face, but if you chat with him for a bit he comes up with some pretty great smiles.
This is footage I caught of Talia reading Dolly a story. It was supercute. Usually if she sees the camera, she tries to come look at the pictures I'm taking so I get a lot of footage of her coming towards me to steal the camera. This was fun to see her so involved in her 'job'.
This is a terrible video of Nate playing in his bouncy seat. I will try harder to get better shots of him, but for now, it's a hint of the greatness that is the Natester.
This is T trying out her new "bike". There are several hilarious-to-Mummy-&-Daddy moments including her ongoing use of the word 'sorry' instead of excuse me. And without spoiling the end, how cute is she??? I mean really....
I hope to one day soon have time to write down some of my deeper thoughts and thinkings about this time in life. For now we will all have to live with this cheating version of a baby book and hope that I get back to those thoughts again someday.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Nate
Poor kid - I ran out of memory on our camera and have no new photos to post but thought I should at least make a note of his great strides and development.
He is lying on his playmat as I speak, punching at the toys hanging over him. This seems like the beginning of training his hands to follow his brain. Earlier today in the nursery at church, he rolled over front to back. Like Talia, this looks mostly like falling to the side and ending up on his back due to the laws of physics and gravity but whatever - we're calling it rolling over, one day shy of three months. His sister was three and a half months old before she figured this out. Finally, he's first!
My son is a delight. He remains pretty mellow and easy going. He is a snappy dresser thanks to many generous friends who are passing along clothes. He sleeps like a baby, up once or twice a night which is manageable in a general sense but of course terrible in a specific, "I have to get out of bed AGAIN?" sense. He is starting to talk lots, especially to the two toys he is currently bashing about. He has a great smile, but a better smirk. He looks like nobody we know.
Talia meanwhile is easing out of toddlerhood and into whatever comes next. She talks a LOT. She sings even more. She knows the last word of every line of "If I Had a Boat" by Lyle Lovett (Jimmy Buffett version of course) and we do that duet several times a day. She can recognize all the letters in the alphabet and knows several colours but prefers to call most of them red or green. She counts "one, two, five, six." She likes crayons and books and baths.
There is so much more but the shine is wearing off the playmat for young Nate. Maybe I'll remember to do this again sometime.
He is lying on his playmat as I speak, punching at the toys hanging over him. This seems like the beginning of training his hands to follow his brain. Earlier today in the nursery at church, he rolled over front to back. Like Talia, this looks mostly like falling to the side and ending up on his back due to the laws of physics and gravity but whatever - we're calling it rolling over, one day shy of three months. His sister was three and a half months old before she figured this out. Finally, he's first!
My son is a delight. He remains pretty mellow and easy going. He is a snappy dresser thanks to many generous friends who are passing along clothes. He sleeps like a baby, up once or twice a night which is manageable in a general sense but of course terrible in a specific, "I have to get out of bed AGAIN?" sense. He is starting to talk lots, especially to the two toys he is currently bashing about. He has a great smile, but a better smirk. He looks like nobody we know.
Talia meanwhile is easing out of toddlerhood and into whatever comes next. She talks a LOT. She sings even more. She knows the last word of every line of "If I Had a Boat" by Lyle Lovett (Jimmy Buffett version of course) and we do that duet several times a day. She can recognize all the letters in the alphabet and knows several colours but prefers to call most of them red or green. She counts "one, two, five, six." She likes crayons and books and baths.
There is so much more but the shine is wearing off the playmat for young Nate. Maybe I'll remember to do this again sometime.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Another Moment to Remember
Yesterday Heidi came over. For 10 hours. That's a long visit.
It was bliss.
She arrived with lunch and snacks. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep in his basinette. She read books with Talia while I showered. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep again. She read books with Talia while I fed Nate. She told me my daughter was smart and that my son was cute. She made me feel like a good mother.
One day I will pay this forward.
But tonight I am thankful. That was a good gift.
It was bliss.
She arrived with lunch and snacks. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep in his basinette. She read books with Talia while I showered. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep again. She read books with Talia while I fed Nate. She told me my daughter was smart and that my son was cute. She made me feel like a good mother.
One day I will pay this forward.
But tonight I am thankful. That was a good gift.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Okay Mummy
Yesterday morning I sat on my couch and said a bit weepily to my husband, "I'm not doing so well." My daughter who was playing nearby, walked over, put her hand on my chest and said, "Okay Mummy." Oh yes, Mummy is okay. Daddy is okay. Talia is okay. Nate is okay. We're all okay. Why do I keep forgetting?
As I unpacked this relentless sureness that I'm failing, flailing most days of late, I still couldn't reconcile how okay I feel against how despairing I am. There is none of the heaviness of depression, or the wound-up-ness of anxiety. Just weepy crying, on-going sadness. So am I sad because I feel like I'm failing, or do I feel like I'm failing because I'm sad? That remains unanswered.
I do know that in this mood, nothing is good enough, even for me. Our un-matching furniture, my daugher's wardrobe, my hair... all leave me feeling more failure-y than normal. I am less able to see the things that usually give me rest or peace. Truthfully, I can't even remember what those things are right now and I am too mad to make myself remember them.
I remember feeling like I wanted to quit with Talia. If I wasn't so lazy I would find the post, probably written in August and September of 2007 where I whined about needing for it to end, whatever it was at the time. Sadly, knowing this is normal and part of the process for me is no help. So all I can do is make another record of this moment. Probably as important as Talia knowing who the president is.
And so it is noted. Right now life is difficult, but as Talia reminds me, Mummy is okay. Or at least will be.
As I unpacked this relentless sureness that I'm failing, flailing most days of late, I still couldn't reconcile how okay I feel against how despairing I am. There is none of the heaviness of depression, or the wound-up-ness of anxiety. Just weepy crying, on-going sadness. So am I sad because I feel like I'm failing, or do I feel like I'm failing because I'm sad? That remains unanswered.
I do know that in this mood, nothing is good enough, even for me. Our un-matching furniture, my daugher's wardrobe, my hair... all leave me feeling more failure-y than normal. I am less able to see the things that usually give me rest or peace. Truthfully, I can't even remember what those things are right now and I am too mad to make myself remember them.
I remember feeling like I wanted to quit with Talia. If I wasn't so lazy I would find the post, probably written in August and September of 2007 where I whined about needing for it to end, whatever it was at the time. Sadly, knowing this is normal and part of the process for me is no help. So all I can do is make another record of this moment. Probably as important as Talia knowing who the president is.
And so it is noted. Right now life is difficult, but as Talia reminds me, Mummy is okay. Or at least will be.
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