Yesterday morning I sat on my couch and said a bit weepily to my husband, "I'm not doing so well." My daughter who was playing nearby, walked over, put her hand on my chest and said, "Okay Mummy." Oh yes, Mummy is okay. Daddy is okay. Talia is okay. Nate is okay. We're all okay. Why do I keep forgetting?
As I unpacked this relentless sureness that I'm failing, flailing most days of late, I still couldn't reconcile how okay I feel against how despairing I am. There is none of the heaviness of depression, or the wound-up-ness of anxiety. Just weepy crying, on-going sadness. So am I sad because I feel like I'm failing, or do I feel like I'm failing because I'm sad? That remains unanswered.
I do know that in this mood, nothing is good enough, even for me. Our un-matching furniture, my daugher's wardrobe, my hair... all leave me feeling more failure-y than normal. I am less able to see the things that usually give me rest or peace. Truthfully, I can't even remember what those things are right now and I am too mad to make myself remember them.
I remember feeling like I wanted to quit with Talia. If I wasn't so lazy I would find the post, probably written in August and September of 2007 where I whined about needing for it to end, whatever it was at the time. Sadly, knowing this is normal and part of the process for me is no help. So all I can do is make another record of this moment. Probably as important as Talia knowing who the president is.
And so it is noted. Right now life is difficult, but as Talia reminds me, Mummy is okay. Or at least will be.
2 comments:
I think its just hard. Then there's some stuff about, where did i go? is this really enough for some folk? of course it is, this is life, a good life at that, and it should be for me too. but i dont like it, and i can't today... i just want to be free to do something else but i don't know what that is either. it takes a lot of mind control to hold yourself in the beauty of the day, the moment. you almost need to dilate your eyes and behold behold BEHOLD the wonder in the mundane. but maybe that's just me.
btw thats brooke, not daniel posting.
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