Advent Four

I am finding this Advent more difficult, partly because it is so much easier this year. The last several years of angst-fuelled instrospection and reading and writing has borne good fruit - namely clarity and peace.

To be frank, much was simplified when my beloved's mother died - with her died much of the expectation and obligation that was a poison, and now what lingers is only her generous love of the season. I don't pull out all of her wall-hangings and Santa paintings and trimmings in pissy ill-will anymore, but with the deep pleasure of being able to share and remember the very best parts of their grandmother with her son and our two smalls. It is difficult to face how unwilling I was to accept her very best as her very best until it was too late. It is, and I'll accept the responsibility for it as part of what this season requires: remembering why we need a Saviour in the first place.

Also trickifying things this year is the direction my faith is moving - ever-increasingly away from church and the pillars of what has been my religious practice of the past. I guess almost a wholesale rejection of the religion part, with an equally-increasing peace with the pursuit of Jesus-y-ness being an adequate expression of faith. My community of faith doesn't meet weekly and tithe and sing and do Sunday School but does linger over coffees together sometimes. I do have a sweet homegroup that remains a source of at-home-ness in all seasons and I might despair if that disappeared. My beloved and I really love talking about who Jesus is too, and that is a sweetness. But I am not satisfied with this and still wrestle with the best way to grow in faith without building my own religion, while at the same time letting go of the religiosity that has shown itself to be empty and life-less.

Doing this while feeling the responsibility for giving children the gift of faith is fraught. I want for them fluency in faith so that they can grow up able to explore that land ably and with ease. I want them to know, deep in their hearts, that there is a Creator God who loves them and loves their neighbour and who asks that they in turn love God and love their neighbour and who's presence is a balm and source of peace through this life. I want them to know who Jesus is and agree that Jesus' words are the best reflection of who we believe God to be and the best guides for living a life full of Life and Light. But it seems wise to not take this on by myself - it seems like having a community to share all this work with would be smart. Surely there are other examples for doing this without a Sunday-morning-with-guitars-and-announcements meeting? Anybody?

And so this is an odd Advent. I don't wait for Jesus to make himself known in a new way, but instead I find myself out in the fields, wondering how to respond to the herald angels. I find myself following a star, unsure of what arriving at the destination will require.  There is no hesitation to receive the gift given, but there is equally no clarity about what is to be done with the gift.

In this way, I am not much different from the chief priests and elders in Matthew who keep asking questions of Jesus, hoping for an answer that will let things remain as they are. Tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of us, to be sure - all who are eager for everything to change will. But there are a number of us wanting Jesus' answer to be "Nope, you're finished changing. It's all good. Rest at home now." And for us, things are trickier.

Matthew 21:28-32

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Two Sons

²⁸ “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
²⁹ “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
³⁰ “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
³¹ “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
“The first,” they answered.
Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. ³² For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.