Empty Rooms

It has been difficult to shake the despair. Although that's not quite the right word. Bleakness maybe? Tired eyes, tired body, wandering mind. A difficult combination that seems fairly persistent and if held at bay for a time, reappears with surprising alacrity.

This morning's weeping was born of realizing how much life I'm not living because I'm absenting myself from it. I am becoming increasingly more at home in what I decided to call the Empty Rooms in my mind. I alluded to this in my Alternate Life post a while back: that AltLife lives in another part of my brain I guess and there is an empty room for each version of it. For a long time, I've kept the doors to those rooms closed but increasingly I find myself sneaking in and living in them for a bit. This seems dangerous to me, and yet I keep returning, bringing in a new piece of furniture or a knick-knack with me that makes it just a little bit more comfortable.

These other rooms are of course mostly appealing because they are not This Life. And I have run out of ways to make This Life more appealing.

I did have a sweet conversation with a friend today that clarified that all is not hopeless. We realized that much of this current stage of life is spent doing things that do not make us feel good or look good while living with someone who is also spending most of his time doing things that do not make him feel good or look good. It is a Misery Multiplier, this particular formula and it only makes sense that as it multiplies day after day, the Empty Rooms become increasingly appealing because a) I feel good and look good in them and b) I'm no longer sharing my space with someone who doesn't feel good and look good.

It made me realize why the most often offered solutions (Date Night! Get Away! Exercise!) aren't such great solutions for me: they aren't things that make me (or Scott) feel better or look better, even if they should, or do for other people.

So I spent some time remembering what situations do make us feel better and look better to ourselves and to each other, and I felt a tiny bit more hopeful. Maybe we'll have a Date Night! and compare notes to see if we can make our This Life a bit more appealing now that we have a new formula to play with.