All Done

Last week I lost my watch. I found it 2 days later in the bench next to the backdoor, carefully laid on top of the box marked "Stationary". Not where I would keep it, but a good hiding spot for a smaller person.

Although the watch was found, I never lost the feeling that something was missing. For days, I kept feeling that sinking incompleteness and would check my wrist, only to discover that the was watch was back in place, a sort of Groundhog Day meets Prodigal Watch.

Then Thursday I lost my keys.

The languishing lostness continues. It would seem the Universe is bringing me lostness and iss intent on me finishing the process. I wish It had taken something less critical though. Maybe a hat?

Because this morning I am done with this journey. I don't care what all this lost-ing should mean - I just want my keys and my All Is Well back.

Last night I dreamt that my dad announced he was leaving my mom. I dreamt that I was the kind of daughter that said all the angry things I had to say about that. It was one of those dreams where everyone is really them, not just dreamed up versions of themselves so I have had to spend the morning reminding myself that it was just a dream.

Somehow, it all feels connected, like the Force is yelling at me in every way It knows and I just can't quite make out what It's saying. What?? WHAT??

If you can hear better than I can, please fill me in. Otherwise, do you know where my keys are?

Sorry Odd People

Before I regale you with stories and photos from our first sailing adventure a quatre, a quick note about today.

I have now watched most of the bits and pieces of the Michael Jackson Memorial. I won't lie - I don't think of myself as a fan. I have liked many of his songs, but I didn't run out and buy an album ever. Isabella Sammarco probably choreographed a dance for us to one of his songs at some point but I couldn't tell you what one. The only Michael Jackson song in my heart is the one from Free Willy - just hearing the beginning bars puts me back in the living room of Point Street with Shiaheem. It was our song and it is a sweet memory to think of Shiaheem and Willy and the boy in that movie and even Michael Jackson all converging together in their alone-ness and not-belonging-ness. I didn't even get that until today.

But all this to say that watching the memorial and listening to the words of the songs he wrote and the words of those who loved him -- I realize that his life condemns me. His exclusion, his weirdness, his oddness as a way of life - I judged it, and I judge it in others almost every day. And yet he was loved. Probably in much the same way I am, the same way my kids are.

Brokeness is so easy to see, so easy to evaluate. I would prefer to learn to see the other parts though, to enjoy the goodness. To see what Jesus sees, love what Jesus loves.

So odd that Michael Jackson would teach me that.





But enough - back to us! My awesome family, odd though we may be. We went a-sailing, spending 2 nights on the new and improved Cheap Therapy and it was fabulous. Following are photos and maybe even a video. Watch for the father-daughter pleasure as well as hints of all the good work that Scotty has done to make our new ship sea-worthy.

Talia & Daddy out on the paddleboard at Elliott Bay.

There is something about this picture that made me realize, I'm the Mom. I don't think I have more to say about that at this time.

Nate just hangin' at lunch time.

He is truly this cute all the time. And T. is wearing her awesome pirate dress from Karen.

Talia having her morning coffee on the way home.

T. driving the boat. They are both so great.

Half Year

Oh my. Six months old this boy. Well, tomorrow he is, but lord knows if I will remember tomorrow, so I'm typing while the typing is good.

Six months. What is Nate like now? Much as he was at the beginning. He's a mellow kid who has a smile and laugh that make you want to do the same. As I said recently in an email to a group of fellow Mums, he's eating like Jesus is coming back, throwing back sweet potatoes and pears and oatmeal and like a second-born, bagels & arrowroot cookies. Someone asked if he was sitting up yet, and I realized I had no idea because I hadn't actually given him an opportunity to try. Oops. This week he is sleeping decently, waking up usually once sometime around 2 or 3, and then up for the day at 6 if I'm lucky, at 5 if it's a normal day. I am VERY looking forward to dark evenings and 8:00am sunrises. He is very amused by any singing and by his sister who is only just lately interested in playing with him. And I use the term 'with' loosely.






Talia is very two, and probably if I wasn't living with her, I would appreciate it more. While she throws around "no!" like a sullen teenager, she much prefers "I don't want to" and more infuriatingly, "I don't have to." Oh. My. Word. It is crazy-making and I am not yet equipped to parent it, but I'm letting myself off the hook and deciding I can take a few weeks to figure this one out.

She has moved into her 'big girl bed' and plans are afoot to move young Nate into her now-vacated crib. I am hoping that my 2 mostly-adaptable children will make this transition much more easily than I am expecting. It could happen, couldn't it?

This is Talia with her after-bath crazy hair. This was obviously taken a few months ago, back when it was cool enough to justify fleece pajamas, but the crazy hair itself hasn't changed much.


I have nice kids. In most situations, I like them best and am so glad I get to be a mum to them. Which is good, because I am also mostly exhausted all the time. Nate's current sleep pattern gives me hope for making it through the end of the year, but for a time there, he was up 4 or 5 times a night and I was becoming murderous. There is a reason why our bodies were designed to start having kids at 13 - when else can we live on so little rest??

There is probably much more to be typed but I am almost out of naptime and want one more snack and task done before they both wake up and we jump into the last half of the day.

But six months. It really does fly, just like they say...

For Auntie Nan

Oddly, she refuses to perform on demand. I swear she can say it and sing it. Regardless, our house sends warm birthday wishes to Auntie Nanny's house.

Why I Can Live with Bad Sleep

Seriously. Who wouldn't love them? Thank you Brooke.

I Hate Me

Don't send me for counselling. I don't actually hate me right now - I hate me a year and a half ago. I went back through the blog to see if any of this fresh hell is familiar (I can't count on myself to remember any of it accurately) and after much searching through the archives, found some hints of the sleep-less despair that is my life right now. But in every damned post, after a bit of whining comes all this glib, sunshiney, happy-clappy crap. How blessed we are, how great she is, how fan-fucking-tabulous life is.

blah blah blah. all true. don't care.

Can't write more because daughter slammed fingers in bathroom door (she was playing with bathroom door while I was ....indisposed; that said, if it keeps her busy, I probably wouldn't stop her anyways). She screamed. Cried. Of course she did. It woke up Nate. Of course it did. Instead of a 2 hour morning nap, he had 30 minutes. He will not go back to sleep and I have left him to wail in his crib so that I can type out how hard my life is. I am that mother.

I wonder if we'll get dressed.

Today's FAQs

Q. When your daughter sits down at her "restaurant" and orders "beer please", do you serve her?

A. As long as she has imaginary fake ID, she can have as much imaginary beer as she wants. I mean, she did say please after all.

Q. What are the alternate words to the second verse of 'Amazing Grace'?

A. Turns out that she wasn't making up her own language at all. She was saying "Oh crap... Oh crap... Fuck... Oh crap." Kind of in rhythm. Not so much in tune.

Uncles Rock

Okay, just some gratuitous cuteness of all my kids, including Uncle Andy. If you turn the volume up, you should be able to hear both of them.

This is Talia after I asked her to "give Mummy a pretty smile" so that we could take a picture of her fancy crown. I am starting to wonder if Grandma is prepping her for Toddlers and Tiaras on their Friday dates.


And now and here is my boy in the exersaucer - this is up so that you can see his cute feet. They are even cuter in person.


This is Talia helping Daddy blow out his birthday candles, and then a shot with Nate and Grandpa Johnson included. Talia is quite chatty about blowing out candles now, and often sings "Happy Birthday to meeeeeee" at random times.





This is a video of Talia wearing her new (too big) helmet on Easter morning. She wore it for about 24 straight hours and decided she needed it to hunt for Easter eggs. Do note the ducking down to look low for the last egg. I wish I had kept filming though because at the end she walks over to give her treat to Mummy.

Finally, this is a picture that gave my soul much rest earlier this week. It is a picture of all the best parts of my life these days and reminds me that in the middle of the insanity of trying to parent two young ones, there is a wonderful peace underneath it all that sneaks up on me every once in a while and says "here I am". This week, it was in my backyard.

The Kids

Yep, they're now 'the kids'. Cause we're now a family. I wanted to write a lot about this, but I'm tired and out of steam to say nothing of out of creativity, but here are some pics and videos from the last month or so.

Talia "sharing" her crib with Nate.

Talia's first pigtails. They are SO cute on her and we'll keep practicing so that it doesn't look like our pet monkey put them in.

Nate hanging in the Bumbo chair. He's not quite up for it, but we'll keep at it. This is his regular serious and thoughtful face, but if you chat with him for a bit he comes up with some pretty great smiles.

This is footage I caught of Talia reading Dolly a story. It was supercute. Usually if she sees the camera, she tries to come look at the pictures I'm taking so I get a lot of footage of her coming towards me to steal the camera. This was fun to see her so involved in her 'job'.

This is a terrible video of Nate playing in his bouncy seat. I will try harder to get better shots of him, but for now, it's a hint of the greatness that is the Natester.

This is T trying out her new "bike". There are several hilarious-to-Mummy-&-Daddy moments including her ongoing use of the word 'sorry' instead of excuse me. And without spoiling the end, how cute is she??? I mean really....

I hope to one day soon have time to write down some of my deeper thoughts and thinkings about this time in life. For now we will all have to live with this cheating version of a baby book and hope that I get back to those thoughts again someday.

Nate

Poor kid - I ran out of memory on our camera and have no new photos to post but thought I should at least make a note of his great strides and development.

He is lying on his playmat as I speak, punching at the toys hanging over him. This seems like the beginning of training his hands to follow his brain. Earlier today in the nursery at church, he rolled over front to back. Like Talia, this looks mostly like falling to the side and ending up on his back due to the laws of physics and gravity but whatever - we're calling it rolling over, one day shy of three months. His sister was three and a half months old before she figured this out. Finally, he's first!

My son is a delight. He remains pretty mellow and easy going. He is a snappy dresser thanks to many generous friends who are passing along clothes. He sleeps like a baby, up once or twice a night which is manageable in a general sense but of course terrible in a specific, "I have to get out of bed AGAIN?" sense. He is starting to talk lots, especially to the two toys he is currently bashing about. He has a great smile, but a better smirk. He looks like nobody we know.

Talia meanwhile is easing out of toddlerhood and into whatever comes next. She talks a LOT. She sings even more. She knows the last word of every line of "If I Had a Boat" by Lyle Lovett (Jimmy Buffett version of course) and we do that duet several times a day. She can recognize all the letters in the alphabet and knows several colours but prefers to call most of them red or green. She counts "one, two, five, six." She likes crayons and books and baths.

There is so much more but the shine is wearing off the playmat for young Nate. Maybe I'll remember to do this again sometime.

Another Moment to Remember

Yesterday Heidi came over. For 10 hours. That's a long visit.

It was bliss.

She arrived with lunch and snacks. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep in his basinette. She read books with Talia while I showered. She held my son when he didn't want to sleep again. She read books with Talia while I fed Nate. She told me my daughter was smart and that my son was cute. She made me feel like a good mother.

One day I will pay this forward.

But tonight I am thankful. That was a good gift.

Okay Mummy

Yesterday morning I sat on my couch and said a bit weepily to my husband, "I'm not doing so well." My daughter who was playing nearby, walked over, put her hand on my chest and said, "Okay Mummy." Oh yes, Mummy is okay. Daddy is okay. Talia is okay. Nate is okay. We're all okay. Why do I keep forgetting?

As I unpacked this relentless sureness that I'm failing, flailing most days of late, I still couldn't reconcile how okay I feel against how despairing I am. There is none of the heaviness of depression, or the wound-up-ness of anxiety. Just weepy crying, on-going sadness. So am I sad because I feel like I'm failing, or do I feel like I'm failing because I'm sad? That remains unanswered.

I do know that in this mood, nothing is good enough, even for me. Our un-matching furniture, my daugher's wardrobe, my hair... all leave me feeling more failure-y than normal. I am less able to see the things that usually give me rest or peace. Truthfully, I can't even remember what those things are right now and I am too mad to make myself remember them.

I remember feeling like I wanted to quit with Talia. If I wasn't so lazy I would find the post, probably written in August and September of 2007 where I whined about needing for it to end, whatever it was at the time. Sadly, knowing this is normal and part of the process for me is no help. So all I can do is make another record of this moment. Probably as important as Talia knowing who the president is.

And so it is noted. Right now life is difficult, but as Talia reminds me, Mummy is okay. Or at least will be.

Toddler Tricks

This is for Shannon. It isn't the best video and T. has bad hair but now it's on the internet and can live forever.

Aside from being politically precocious, Talia is also a singing and dancing machine (thank you Grandma!). Yesterday, Scott sneezed and Talia said "Bless you Daddy." She also says, "sorry Mummy/Daddy" kind of randomly. I'm not sure where she picked it up or why she says it when she does, but it's nice to know she has already absorbed the Caldwell-Johnson-Must-Be-My-Fault-ism. I spend my worry on her around hair - should we trim it or leave it as the mullet it is?

Nate... well, Nate is 7 or 8 weeks old now. I could count but whatever... He is more eyes open these days and looking around. He is still a mellow guy, but does get really mad when Talia steps on his head. He sleeps through a lot except his sister trying to put his soother up his nose. He has passed the 10 pound mark and is sleeping enough to keep me from losing my mind completely. The photos that follow make me laugh out loud. I hope he always makes me laugh out loud. Two funny kids would be best blessings.

Do you think he will hate us?

Having 2 kids is about 7 times more work than having just the one. We are doing it mostly well most days except for the days when we fail. Yesterday, Talia said "Mummy is crying." Yes, Mummy is crying because Mummy is exhausted and Daddy is overwhelmed and we have to keep doing this for another ... well, I think it's for the rest of our lives, isn't it?? I get sad when I know I am not paying enough attention, when I know I am being a b*tch to the father she loves right there in front of her, when I don't know how to solve the problem we're currently swimming in. I try to remember that these intense parenting days are short. But they're so long while we're living them. And of course, I hate doing things I'm not good at and so spending day after day not doing this well is the worst kind of torture.

Thank goodness I believe in redemption. If their lives were all up to me and Scott I would truly be despairing. But grace abounds. Every day, for the rest of their lives and the rest of mine too I think.

That's us this week.

Great Day. Bad Mother

I made Talia watch TV all day. If Nate could see further than 12 inches in front of his face, I would have made him watch too.

It was too amazing. There he was, Hope in a trenchcoat nodding along to Yo-Yo Ma and that beautiful quartet. His wife's hand resting quickly on his shoulder. Orator. Statesman.

President.

Unbelievable. Weep worthy.

A reminder that indeed our capacity for evil is matched only by our capacity for good. Our American friends who have done so much harm do as much great good and it just makes me JOYFUL! Capital letter JOYFUL!

That and each of my children falling asleep holding my hand at different times in the last 24 hours.

For Katie & Jared

Thank you for the awesome Christmas gifts. We missed you though. Talia's uncle needs back-up.

AV Week

Playing with the video camera...

Talia in the Snow

Talia & Nate

Nate's Due Date