My Daughter is Cute. My Heart is Not.

One month, 6 days in. She's easy on the eyes, that's for sure. At least to me, Scott and my mother. And my dad, Brian and Anna. That's a nice thing.

One thing that is not so nice is a day (or several) where a person wants to just quit. When a person realizes that this was all a terrible misunderstanding, and that when I was begging the Lord to get pregnant what I meant was, "Let me have the feeling of getting my own way, but please don't change anything about my life." Of course, I didn't know that at the time. In fact, I guess I was really asking for my life to change. I just didn't know that I didn't really want that after all.

Silly me.

The system is set up so that there are no returns, no take-backs, no do-overs. I suppose this is wisdom, but I couldn't tell you why. At least not this week.

Now this might sound like whining. You might be thinking, "goodness, Talia must be a really difficult baby." Nope. She's not. She is healthy, she is alert and happy often. She cries often too, but has yet to be inconsolable. She eats well, and she is cute. Probably a dream child.

However, she is permanent. She is always here. She doesn't take 12 hours off. In fact, so far she has yet to take more than 4 hours off. And of those 4 hours, I spend 30 minutes wondering if she is going to fall asleep, and another 30 minutes wondering if she's going to wake up. Who thought up this system??

And me. I am always here too. Me and my head wondering what the magic code is to falling asleep for 2 hour naps. Me wanting to get an hour's worth of work done in the 10 minutes she plays happily on her own. Me realizing that I am a bit addicted to accomplishments and items crossed off the to do list. Me unwilling to believe that my life really has to be about someone else. Someone who is frikkin' useless. Albeit tremendously darling and cute.

Ugh. And someone who needs attention again. Hmm. If only she could put the sausages on the barbecue while I turn down the potatoes and change the laundry.

Huh. I thought this would be funnier. Maybe in a few years...??

A.