Eavesdropping

Scott has been hassling me for an update here, and a well-timed email from Megan asking how baby and I are doing inspired me to write a bit about this moment in our pregnancy. So in an effort to keep some track of the journey, I'm pasting in my reply to her.

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Megan! So fun to hear from you and thank you for asking. I've been meaning and meaning to write something down to remember this time too and never do, so maybe this email will be my "journal entry" for now...

I'm doing really well these days. I think it's that funny time between - no morning sickness or anything anymore, but no baby belly really either. Scott and I can both tell but no one else can, which I'm trying to remember is good news! We're just coming up on 16 weeks, so I don't suppose this will last much longer. How long until my complaint is how much my little self has changed?!

I am also much less fearful of late, although not altogether at rest either. I worry about every twinge and can feel EVERYTHING in my little abdomen, which is crazy-making. On the other hand, I am a bit better at talking myself through that and even talking to the baby too to remind myself that Life is at work and that God loves us both and will take care of us. It makes me weep to think that God already knows this one and loves them and loves them SEPARATE from his love for me even. It's a comfort too, knowing that whatever happens, this One is not un-noticed, not un-known.

We have a midwife appointment next week where hopefully we will hear the heartbeat again - last time the child was moving around too much to get a count, but we could hear the kicking and motion so I managed not to panic. I am hoping that since it's a bit bigger, it will be a bit easier to track too. We'll also have an ultrasound the week we get back from Hawaii that we're both really looking forward to.

Scott is quite wonderful, which of course is no surprise, but still leaves me surprised somehow. We are tempted to worry about money and how we'll manage but most of the time he is just solid and a comfort and loving this one. It's a sweet time in many ways, where our love for this child is just at its beginning but something we're growing into together.

It's funny to write down all this good news and see how much of it I'm NOT living in. I wonder if it makes God a bit sad to see me holding back from enjoying his good gift? I want to be more carefree, more abandoned in my thankfulness and praise for this long-awaited time in our lives, but that is so often pushed out by the fear and dread. Why do I have to know that everything is going to turn out "okay" for me to be thankful NOW?? This seems like a bad habit for me to be nurturing, and certainly not how I want to parent. So I guess that will be what I'm praying for these next months - some freedom to live in the goodness of THIS moment.

Hmm. Long answer to your sweet short email! We love seeing the happy photo of Eleanor on our fridge and think happy thoughts about all of you often. Let me know how your family is doing these days! I'll need lots to talk about with the Murphy's when we see them!

Love,
Alison