In and Out

Often, for me, life is clear.  Crystal clear. Painfully clear. It makes me wonder if G-D thinks I'm dim. Clearly, something about me has made the universe believe that subtlety is wasted on this soul.

Right now, the universe is yelling "CHANGE IS COMING!!". 

Our physical space is changing as we work on finishing a (very) slow renovation that gives us more space. I finished a 6-year volunteer committee commitment.  My beloved is having surgery that we hope will end this season of limitation for him. Our work is changing as we both end different projects in the next few months. This year I'll turn 40 and we'll celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. CHANGE IS COMING!!

Or maybe it's more accurate to say, Something new is coming. Because change is of course a constant. But with so many things ending, so many old things fading away, it seems a for sure that new things are on their way to replace them. New things must.

Waiting for the new things to arrive is so fucking painful though. I find myself checking my email and mailbox and newspaper and phone even more obsessively than I did before.  Maybe someone's going to send me a note letting me know what new thing is on its way? And of course there is also the fear that no new thing is going to show up at all and we'll have lost all these old things and be left with no things. 

I bumped into a work acquaintance today who when she asked how I was, perhaps got more honesty than she had expected. But as I described all the reasons I was shopping for natural mood elevators in the vitamin store, she said "Oh, those are all signs of burnout. Just remember to slow down."  I laughed because I have a really cushy gig, and getting burned out a la corporate slave seems hilariously unlikely. But then I wondered if a person can just get burned out from living the life they have just because that life requires much of the same work over and over and over again. It is not tradionally taxing to drive two kids to school and then come home and unload the dishwasher, but the repetitiveness of it might just wear a person down over time, right?

And so I decided to take her advice and remember to breathe before I get out of the car.  Deep breaths bring oxygen. Oxygen is necessary for life. And if new is coming, that means new life is coming and if I want it to grow, it's going to need some oxygen. I'm going to have to breathe.

If you see any of my new life lurking, can you let me know? I'll be here breathing.