Four

Today is the fourth anniversary of Talia's arrival. 

I don't remember being this weepy and moved when she turned three.  Although I also don't remember thinking it would be wise to host four little girls for an hour or two in the morning and then feed them all kinds of sugar and fruit and then try to live with them, or at least one of them, for the rest of the day.

But four.  Four. Four!

My first thoughts on this were, "I'd thought I'd be better at this by now."  But then I realized that actually I'm much more at rest in this mothering gig than I was in the first few months and early years.  I trust me a lot more now.  And I know her a lot better.  And we're a good twosome, we two.  She is funny, and wise, and well-spoken, and kind.  So kind.  She is quick to laugh and jump in laps.  She plays and plays and can't wait for school to start next year so that she can play there too.  She has a firm sense of style that is surprising in it's unwavering constancy.  Her hair is Everyone-Comment-On-It-Blond, and her eyes the colour of the ocean.  She loves her Daddy, and needs her Mummy and this seems exactly as it ought to be.

Five years ago, she was a distant dream, a threatened impossibility.  She was all that we were hoping for, but not sure we were allowed to ask for.  She was an acute heartache in her absence and we wondered about wondering about her at all. 

Four years ago, she was flesh-and-blood Love Come Near.  Karen's answered prayer.  She came and brought us our own family that is just now starting to ease into itself.  She transformed my husband into a father, his very best self.  She transformed me into ... this.  All Of This. 

My deep gratitude remains, and overwhelms me on days like today.  When life is so full of Hard, it is so good to remember that My God is So Good.  My God chose this one to be ours, to be our family-maker.  On days like today, I even remember that I don't have to worry about her at all, because she is so loved by the Heavens and because her days are already known and numbered by the Maker of All Things. We just get to live nearby and watch her become all of who she is.  On nights like tonight, that just seems extra wonderful.  And maybe even possible.

Four.