I'm not sure if my mother option is broken. More like I am realizing (again) that I remain a very broken person who now also has to mother and that can be a bit of a bad combination. Unavoidable perhaps but undesirable too.
There is a 'situation' at work that perhaps I will write more about once it is resolved. For now, suffice it to say that any situation triggers my anxiety and this one triggers it times about 17 or so. I don't remember this kind of stomach-churning, obsessive-thinking, disordered anxiety since the Engagement Fiasco of 2002. All by itself, it's an upsetting weakness to live with and I am always surprised to find out that it still lurks so close to the surface.
So anxiety-ridden I am, but now I have this sweet young thing living with me who requires lots of care and attention. I know this. I know that the situation is going to be resolved one way or the other and I know there is not much to be done about it and that life must continue to be lived. I know that life for me right now means loving Talia Grace - feeding her, playing with her, singing with her, keeping an eye on her, teaching her the words to Jimmy Buffet hits. And yet...
And yet, I find myself staring off into space while she crawls around the house playing by herself. I find myself holding her distractedly while I ruminate again on my hard-done-by-ness. No songs, no books, no laughing, no games... just bleak me.
Yuck. Just masses and masses of yuck.
She's only 8 months old and already she has to live with her mother's mental illness, already she pays the price for my brokenness. Somehow, I thought I would be better than this, that I would be able to keep this part of me to myself so that she wouldn't have to have it be something she needs to cope with. But holy hell, I just can't stop. And of course, if someone else was telling me this story, I would giggle at their silly optimism but it's not someone else, it's ME and I know better. I knew this was a possibility and I knew I would be ready for it and I knew that I would NOT expose her to this.
Ha.
In the meantime, she thrives away. She is a total furniture surfer and makes her way around our entire house with ease, climbing up when she can and crawling between holds. She is very persistent (see Karen, it's written down!) when trying to get somewhere or something. Today she was playing (and I use the term loosely) with Sam next door and wanted to check out his ride-on-train. He was less interested in being checked out, and backed away from my crawling daughter who realized what was happening and burst into tears, crawling all the time. Perhaps she thought she would distract him with her tears and get him to stop?? Manipulating the boys already?? It's a possibility I suppose. Mostly it still makes me smirk that she gets so annoyed but I imagine that the cute will eventually wear off and I'll be writing one of these days about her her willfullness bringing me down.
Also fun is her learning names for things. She definitely knows who her monkey is and is happy to give him a shake if asked where Monkey is. She knows certain games and will smile with anticipation when she knows the funny part is coming. She has big smiles for Daddy any time he walks through a door and would spend all day, every day with him if she could. She definitely knows Grandma too and is thrilled to see her time after time. It's fun to see her recognize the people in her life - Uncle Andrew and Auntie Anna are definitely always welcomed and I think probably more people than that, but then it gets hard to differentiate between her knowing people and her just being really social and glad to see any smiling face.
I will stop here. Life at this moment is noted. All will be well. Probably.
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