Confessions of a Broken Mother

I'm not sure if my mother option is broken. More like I am realizing (again) that I remain a very broken person who now also has to mother and that can be a bit of a bad combination. Unavoidable perhaps but undesirable too.

There is a 'situation' at work that perhaps I will write more about once it is resolved. For now, suffice it to say that any situation triggers my anxiety and this one triggers it times about 17 or so. I don't remember this kind of stomach-churning, obsessive-thinking, disordered anxiety since the Engagement Fiasco of 2002. All by itself, it's an upsetting weakness to live with and I am always surprised to find out that it still lurks so close to the surface.

So anxiety-ridden I am, but now I have this sweet young thing living with me who requires lots of care and attention. I know this. I know that the situation is going to be resolved one way or the other and I know there is not much to be done about it and that life must continue to be lived. I know that life for me right now means loving Talia Grace - feeding her, playing with her, singing with her, keeping an eye on her, teaching her the words to Jimmy Buffet hits. And yet...

And yet, I find myself staring off into space while she crawls around the house playing by herself. I find myself holding her distractedly while I ruminate again on my hard-done-by-ness. No songs, no books, no laughing, no games... just bleak me.

Yuck. Just masses and masses of yuck.

She's only 8 months old and already she has to live with her mother's mental illness, already she pays the price for my brokenness. Somehow, I thought I would be better than this, that I would be able to keep this part of me to myself so that she wouldn't have to have it be something she needs to cope with. But holy hell, I just can't stop. And of course, if someone else was telling me this story, I would giggle at their silly optimism but it's not someone else, it's ME and I know better. I knew this was a possibility and I knew I would be ready for it and I knew that I would NOT expose her to this.

Ha.

In the meantime, she thrives away. She is a total furniture surfer and makes her way around our entire house with ease, climbing up when she can and crawling between holds. She is very persistent (see Karen, it's written down!) when trying to get somewhere or something. Today she was playing (and I use the term loosely) with Sam next door and wanted to check out his ride-on-train. He was less interested in being checked out, and backed away from my crawling daughter who realized what was happening and burst into tears, crawling all the time. Perhaps she thought she would distract him with her tears and get him to stop?? Manipulating the boys already?? It's a possibility I suppose. Mostly it still makes me smirk that she gets so annoyed but I imagine that the cute will eventually wear off and I'll be writing one of these days about her her willfullness bringing me down.

Also fun is her learning names for things. She definitely knows who her monkey is and is happy to give him a shake if asked where Monkey is. She knows certain games and will smile with anticipation when she knows the funny part is coming. She has big smiles for Daddy any time he walks through a door and would spend all day, every day with him if she could. She definitely knows Grandma too and is thrilled to see her time after time. It's fun to see her recognize the people in her life - Uncle Andrew and Auntie Anna are definitely always welcomed and I think probably more people than that, but then it gets hard to differentiate between her knowing people and her just being really social and glad to see any smiling face.

I will stop here. Life at this moment is noted. All will be well. Probably.

Who Will She Be?

I wonder this a lot - who is emerging? Who is she going to be? What will she love to do? How will she live in the world? This is one of the lovely parts of parenting - watching her come into herself. At 7 and a half months, she is still so much a mystery (as I'm sure she will always remain, at least to some extent) but she gives us hints every once in a while.

Like watching her get around, I wonder if she's going to be so physically capable all the time? Is it my own unfulfilled desire for athleticism that is attributing prowess to her young self? She is so good at moving around, but more than that, at solving getting-around problems with her little body. Looking at the available surfaces around her and figuring out how to use them to get to where she wants to go - I think it's amazing.


She also very people-oriented, and seems to love being around faces. Small faces are her favourite but anyone smiling at her will do. She has an easy smile for just about anyone but also has a streak of fickle running through her that is always a surprise and always with surprising people like my dad, or Brian or Terry. Hmm... all men who adore her. Is that a problem?

What else? She is very funny still - you may recall I thought she was funny in utero and darned if she isn't still cracking me up. She gets an impish grin when she thinks she's fooling with me and had great fun psyching out a friend by extending a toy then pulling it away and then laughing and laughing...

She is probably a bit clever too I think. Clever as in, seems to understand that "stop" means... well, stop. She will indeed stop and look over at me and often change paths (like when she's heading for the fireplace, for example). However, she is also clever as in, "I stopped everytime when she was looking at me but now she has turned away so I will quickly climb up the kitchen drawers - she didn't say to stop forever!"

Now of course, I realize that I have yet again exposed my first-time-parentitis, perhaps reading in a tiny bit more into her ways than is reasonable. But I did want to write them down so that I can see how close we are as she emerges more fully over the years ahead.

What is for sure, is that she is lovely, lovely, lovely and everyday we are surprised again that we were given the best one.

Splish Splash

So first time out at the pool - quite fun! Scotty was in charge of the dipping part and I did the changing and the photography.


She was initially a bit clingy with Dad, but mostly because of the noise I think - the pool is quite echo-y. But it didn't take long for her to get into her groove and try out all of her previously-in-the bath-only moves. Lots of kicking and duck-chasing mostly. She also got dunked a few times and seemed none the worse for it. She is clearly her father's daughter, not at all fazed by the change in water temperature going from the family hot tub to the pool and back a couple of times.



She also succeeded in charming the pants off of several old ladies in the dressing room. Well, they may have already been pant-less but she was charming nonetheless.



Now I'm madly looking up 'how to teach your baby to swim' online so that we can be a bit more productive next time out. And hopefully next time out, Mummy will join in the fun too!


And now for the post-swim sleep effect - fingers crossed!

Some Talia Concert For You

I'm not sure if this is really singing per se, but it's what we call singing in our house these days. Adding the percussion was a new trick today. Maybe I'll buy her a tambourine next. Our sweet girl is being a pleasure these last few days and we sure enjoy it!

New Year, New Moves

I think this falls under the category of "Only First-Time Parents" - we just can't help ourselves from seeing what she can do. So of course we're pretending she is learning to walk. Of course we help teach her to climb up every piece of furniture we have. It's just so darned fun to watch.

Also a bit tricky to live with though.

But first, the fun (happy news - I learned how to flip my video so you don't have to look at it all sideways now!):

The outfit makes me laugh, watching it again - poor girl. But it was end of the day, and we had already burned through one pair of matching pants that maybe didn't make her legs look so... less long than her torso. Again, poor girl. I will try to dress her better for future shoots.

In addition to these wobbly steps, we has recently learned to pull herself up on furniture, as modeled here:

I don't know if anyone else can see the hint of evil intent in her eyes, but she definitely is enjoying her new power and the attention it gets her. Mostly because inattention has cost her a blow to the head or two. For the second time in a month, Andrew has come rushing upstairs to make sure his niece is not unconscious after hearing the unmistakable thud of her head hitting the floor. I like to believe this is teaching her balance, but so far no one else is buying it.

Of course, now that she can pull herself up around the house, there is no reason not to do so everywhere, at anytime. Like say for instance, in her crib at bedtime. Last night Mum and Dad were babysitting and I had promised an easy bedtime. However, when we got home, Mum had that "We're such good grandparents" smirk on her face that hints at a story to be told. Indeed, young Talia had done all of her evening stuff with grandma as she always does: a bowl full of rice (no choking hazards when grandma is doing the feeding!), some playtime, a story and a bottle. A song, some tucking in, and sleep will follow. Unless a grand-daughter decides that she would rather flip herself over and climb up the side of the crib. For the first time. Several times. Happily, Poppa got there right as Mum's back was giving out from leaning over the crib and he finally convinced her that it was indeed bedtime.

So a new addition to our bedtime routine is returning to the room about 10 minutes or so later and tucking her back in and reminding her that it is time to sleep... she is not convinced, and we find her sleeping at odd locations in the crib but she does finally sleep so all's not lost. Yet.

Finally a photo of her latest look - this is her snorting laugh face. It's over-exposed, so you can't really see the nose snorted up, but the teeth bared is a key element. I will try to capture the sound effects on video soon, but for the time being I leave you with this.