I was so sick yesterday. Nauseous sick. No actual puking but lie-in-bed-until-March sick. I had to get kids to and from school and I even managed to have some food available for those little people, but other than that, I was sick.
I haven't been sick in a long time.
I think it was an allergic reaction to Terrible. There are marriages foundering around us that have no business foundering. My favourite person is suffering from what, no one really knows, but it is painful and life-wrecking and it is hopeless-making to watch from this distance and have no solutions to offer. My mother's friend's daughter sat down with her parents and daughter last week and passed on her news that after 6 years of keeping it at bay, death is on its way at last, and these are her last months. We are sharing our parking with a friend's friend whose daughter is in the hospital down the street, one piece of the Shit Show Puzzle that is their life these days.
I bump into the Terribles a lot - this is not new. If you're paying attention in this life, you are probably tripping over them too because life is hard. Always. Most often, it's hardest for the people around me - our family has done Hard and Terrible, but we haven't done it lately. I am thankful for every day that I don't want to quit, but I wish it were so for everyone else too.
Thus the sick yesterday. I am sick of watching the ouches and the aches and the ripping pain and having nothing to offer except "that sucks" and "I wish it wasn't so."
The latest marriage-going-to-shit is beyond comprehension and in my too-brief chat with the bride, I got to remind her she has a Jesus-y friend who will pray her brains out that Jesus indeed shows up with peace and grace for her and her kids. What uselessness that feels like.
I am so disappointed today that Jesus doesn't just make it all go away. I preach like crazy about how the promise is presence and not that bad things won't happen, but that we won't have to endure the hard things alone.
But today I want the bad things to just go away. I want my friends to remember that they love being a team, that they love being one, that they love this great life. I want my sweet friend to stop being in pain, to able to sleep and run and cook and scrapbook and just generally be back to who she is meant to be. I want parents to be able to heal broken children and not have to sit helplessly beside them in hospitals, full of fear and exhaustion.
What good is a God who can't give THAT??
I'm sick of it. Sick of it all.
But this morning, I woke up not nauseous. This morning, I was tired and hungry, but not sick. So today I will eat good food, and I will sit and wait upon the Lord who promises goodness and I will wait for what is needed for each of my people, and I will watch for what it is I have to give that is needed and I will not quit.
Not today.
