That boy I married fell down the stairs this morning. It started off HOLY F*CK and has ended with Are You Kidding? We've just added it to the list of reasons 2011 ought not to be repeated.
We got to spend some time in the ER, with side trips to x-ray and CT (which I will now always affectionately call Land of Pantless Men) and of course see first hand that life is full of Hard for many, and as Hard as this morning was for us, it was Harder Still for several others that passed through my line of sight.
So then we got to talking about degrees of suffering and all those things one talks about having averted the Worst Case while still living in the Pretty Shitty Case. And as often happens, that boy wondered about why we believe in a God that can't do better than suffering. And by 'we', well of course, that means me, since I do faith for our family the way he does car care and the recycling.
Anyway, I found myself saying that at least there was no false promise of no suffering in the Christian faith. That every religion was just an attempt by humanity to explain why life sucks and to make it less so. And as I said, I kind of realized that was probably true. Right? Isn't that what every belief system is: an effort to make sense of the inevitable painfulness of being?
I think maybe that could be true. Which makes me a bit more commited to my own little way of understanding the Creator as the promise of presence in the face of All That Should Not Be. Because the alternatives are things like Try Harder And It Won't Be So Hard, and Too Bad You Suck, Good Luck Out There, and Maybe Next Time Around It Won't Be So Bad.
I mostly just wish that things weren't so hard these days. We could do with less suffering, and certainly most of the world could too. But barring the end of difficult, I'll take presence.
Always Presence.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
The End
For reasons both obvious and not-so-obvious to me, I've been a bit obsessive lately with the question, What is the point? Probably a bit about life in general, but a lot about parenting in particular. In the last 24 hours it has begun to bubble over.
First, my Writer Friend wrote a blog post about the wisdom (or not) of letting kids have a vote in this life. It touched a nerve in my Am I Getting This All Wrong joint. I think I want to be authoritative as a parent, except when I want my kids to know their voice matters and has a place in this world. I think I want to teach and guide my children to be contributing, thoughtful, rule-respecting members of society, except when I want my kids to be true to themselves and blaze their own trail and be the change they want to be in the world and all that hoohah (is my bias showing?). The difficulty is that I can't look back and see a generation that got it right, so it seems predetermined that we'll be failing too, no matter which course we choose.
With that bleakness lurking in my heart, I joined our mom's group this morning and listened to a woman share her story of parenting pain and hurt. Her daughter is now 23, and they have lived together a lifetime of Not Ideal and What The F*ck. And yet. And yet there was beauty and goodness in the mess of it - the daughter penning an essay in her GED class about her adopted self being "the gift they didn't give back". Good gravy. So broody, dark-hearted one that I am, my question for Bev was this: After 23 years of all this pain and heartache with no "success" to point to (yet), what would you say the point of all this parenting is for all of us just at the beginning?
She said 'faithfulness'. I think it was a pretty good answer.
But of course, it wasn't enough answer for me, so I've had to dwell on it all afternoon, and now ignore my own children so that I can write it out.
When I related the morning's story to Scott, what struck me was that there was no Moral to the Story or Tidy Life Lesson to pass along. There was just the loveliness of making space for a woman to tell her story and hear outloud her own life one more time, so as better to maybe remember bits and pieces of God's own faithfulness to her that in turn is now her faithfulness to her daughter.
And then I thought, well maybe the point of this life for each of us is to live a story (and hopefully tell it a few times) that reminds us of that same thing - God is faithful.
And then I thought, I wonder if I would parent differently if all I thought I had to remember was that the point is God is Faithful. Or my more usual, God is With Me. I wonder if I would work so hard at getting parenting right if I started living in the part where God is okay with the Wrong because it shows off God's Right so much better.
And then I remembered the only part of the Westminster Catechism that I know: What is the chief end of man? To glorify God and enjoy him forever.
Enjoy. Enjoy!
If this is true, then every time Bev tells her story and reminds herself and those of us listening that God has been faithful, that she has been faithful, she glorifies God. And then her only job is enjoy God forever!
So this week I'm going to try to wear my Glorifying God Glasses and try if I can see my life - and several lives around me - a bit differently. What if my story isn't about how I raise Amazing Kids Who Grow Up To Do Amazing Things, but about how I was faithful to them remembering that God was being faithful to me? and then what if seeing things that way made it way easier to enjoy God forever?
You know what I love about my life of faith? That God always talks in Good News. If the voice I hear makes it sounds like life is going to be harder and suckier, it's probably my own dark heart whispering to me; however, if it lightens my load and gives me hope for tomorrow and arrives as Good News, maybe it's that wiley Jesus telling me something Heavenly.
So Bev, thanks for the Good News. I'm off to enjoy God forever and try not to worry about the rest so much. At least until the hockey game starts.
First, my Writer Friend wrote a blog post about the wisdom (or not) of letting kids have a vote in this life. It touched a nerve in my Am I Getting This All Wrong joint. I think I want to be authoritative as a parent, except when I want my kids to know their voice matters and has a place in this world. I think I want to teach and guide my children to be contributing, thoughtful, rule-respecting members of society, except when I want my kids to be true to themselves and blaze their own trail and be the change they want to be in the world and all that hoohah (is my bias showing?). The difficulty is that I can't look back and see a generation that got it right, so it seems predetermined that we'll be failing too, no matter which course we choose.
With that bleakness lurking in my heart, I joined our mom's group this morning and listened to a woman share her story of parenting pain and hurt. Her daughter is now 23, and they have lived together a lifetime of Not Ideal and What The F*ck. And yet. And yet there was beauty and goodness in the mess of it - the daughter penning an essay in her GED class about her adopted self being "the gift they didn't give back". Good gravy. So broody, dark-hearted one that I am, my question for Bev was this: After 23 years of all this pain and heartache with no "success" to point to (yet), what would you say the point of all this parenting is for all of us just at the beginning?
She said 'faithfulness'. I think it was a pretty good answer.
But of course, it wasn't enough answer for me, so I've had to dwell on it all afternoon, and now ignore my own children so that I can write it out.
When I related the morning's story to Scott, what struck me was that there was no Moral to the Story or Tidy Life Lesson to pass along. There was just the loveliness of making space for a woman to tell her story and hear outloud her own life one more time, so as better to maybe remember bits and pieces of God's own faithfulness to her that in turn is now her faithfulness to her daughter.
And then I thought, well maybe the point of this life for each of us is to live a story (and hopefully tell it a few times) that reminds us of that same thing - God is faithful.
And then I thought, I wonder if I would parent differently if all I thought I had to remember was that the point is God is Faithful. Or my more usual, God is With Me. I wonder if I would work so hard at getting parenting right if I started living in the part where God is okay with the Wrong because it shows off God's Right so much better.
And then I remembered the only part of the Westminster Catechism that I know: What is the chief end of man? To glorify God and enjoy him forever.
Enjoy. Enjoy!
If this is true, then every time Bev tells her story and reminds herself and those of us listening that God has been faithful, that she has been faithful, she glorifies God. And then her only job is enjoy God forever!
So this week I'm going to try to wear my Glorifying God Glasses and try if I can see my life - and several lives around me - a bit differently. What if my story isn't about how I raise Amazing Kids Who Grow Up To Do Amazing Things, but about how I was faithful to them remembering that God was being faithful to me? and then what if seeing things that way made it way easier to enjoy God forever?
You know what I love about my life of faith? That God always talks in Good News. If the voice I hear makes it sounds like life is going to be harder and suckier, it's probably my own dark heart whispering to me; however, if it lightens my load and gives me hope for tomorrow and arrives as Good News, maybe it's that wiley Jesus telling me something Heavenly.
So Bev, thanks for the Good News. I'm off to enjoy God forever and try not to worry about the rest so much. At least until the hockey game starts.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Agreeing With Me
This week I took a class on Roberts' Rules of Order. Mostly as a favour to the other people on the committee I'm on. It turns out there really are ways to do things like run meetings that are Helpful and Better than me just doing what I want. I know, I was shocked too.
Also in this class was a fellow citizen who chairs another committee that I'm not on. He seemed smart and clever enough. He was wearing an engineers' ring, you know the one they all wear on their pinky? The secret engineering code ring that tells all the other Oddly-Good-At-Math folk out there that they too are Oddly Good At Math.
Of course I had to start musing. It occured to me that really and truly, the only reason for the ring is to establish solidarity with other ring wearers. Not unlike gold cross necklaces on women everywhere or those little fish bumpery-sticker things. Or the Darwin fish for that matter. All over the place, little hints of clubdom, of groups to belong to.
And then I remembered writing about being pretty hopeful that heaven would be full of Belonging here. So I went back and read what I wrote and was heartened to know that it was still true.
So now I am thinking about how I can give out Belonging to others because maybe that's a bit of making earth as it is in Heaven. I don't think I'll be very good at it, but I think it's something I might be willing to learn how to do. At the very least, I want to get really good at doing it for my kids. I want our family to be the place they're sure they belong. It's difficult on a day when I've whispered in my daughter's ear as she screamed her way through the park, "You've ruined this whole day!" But here's hoping that grace prevails and she mostly remembers the part where our home is her Home. Always.
I'm really glad there's that verse in the bible that says something like Nothing's impossible with God. Or is that an inspirational poster with a kitten and ball of wool on it ...
Also in this class was a fellow citizen who chairs another committee that I'm not on. He seemed smart and clever enough. He was wearing an engineers' ring, you know the one they all wear on their pinky? The secret engineering code ring that tells all the other Oddly-Good-At-Math folk out there that they too are Oddly Good At Math.
Of course I had to start musing. It occured to me that really and truly, the only reason for the ring is to establish solidarity with other ring wearers. Not unlike gold cross necklaces on women everywhere or those little fish bumpery-sticker things. Or the Darwin fish for that matter. All over the place, little hints of clubdom, of groups to belong to.
And then I remembered writing about being pretty hopeful that heaven would be full of Belonging here. So I went back and read what I wrote and was heartened to know that it was still true.
So now I am thinking about how I can give out Belonging to others because maybe that's a bit of making earth as it is in Heaven. I don't think I'll be very good at it, but I think it's something I might be willing to learn how to do. At the very least, I want to get really good at doing it for my kids. I want our family to be the place they're sure they belong. It's difficult on a day when I've whispered in my daughter's ear as she screamed her way through the park, "You've ruined this whole day!" But here's hoping that grace prevails and she mostly remembers the part where our home is her Home. Always.
I'm really glad there's that verse in the bible that says something like Nothing's impossible with God. Or is that an inspirational poster with a kitten and ball of wool on it ...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Where I Pretend I Was Interviewed
One thing I like is Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. She is not only interesting, but also a Writer, so a pleasure to read.
She does regular Happiness Interviews with people and then posts them on facebook and everytime I read one, I think of my own set of answers. Today I wrote them down. And since blogging is painfully difficult these days, this seems like a good cheating post. And so follows my interview with Gretchen Rubin, kind of:
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Alison: Right now, my Giada smile: a big fake smile that always makes me laugh. It goes with the sound, "ting!"
What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
Happiness isn't the point. Probably goodness is. But happiness is still on the list.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Wallowing. Living longer in the hard parts than is actually necessary.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Be Gretchen.") Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
"All events are neutral." That's a famous person whom I refuse to name because it will make me look Oprah-y. "It's either a good time or a good story." That's me. Both remind me that I get to be in charge of the filter.
If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).
I wish I had one. I could use one right now. I like facebook a lot...
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The happiest people I know also seem to be some of the dimmer people I know. Or at least, least reflective people I know. I wonder if they're onto something and if knowing less and reflecting less would increase happiness. Then I wonder how happy I want to be.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy - if so,why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
One time when I was in my mid-20s, I remember saying outloud, "this is as good as it gets" and being truly happy. My espoused values and my real life really, truly matched. And I had enough money. It was a sweet moment.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Working on happiness is in the same category as reducing fine lines and wrinkles for me. I want to do both but feel silly and superficial doing it. That said, I keep buying cheap night creams and fantasizing about someone buying the Almost a Facelift Supercream for me one day. And I get the HP facebook feed and do my fake Giada smile from time to time.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't - or vice versa?
I thought doing the right thing would make me happy. It turned out doing the right thing was difficult and the effort required to do said thing eclipsed any possible happiness. But it also turned out that doing the right thing was more required than me being happy and that was okay. Maybe even Good. And somewhere, deep down, Good makes me Happy.
I hope everyone will consider doing their own interview and maybe even posting it in the comments, if not right online in a facebook note, or in your own blog. This was a good excercise and given my universalism, you know if it was good for me it must be good for you.
She does regular Happiness Interviews with people and then posts them on facebook and everytime I read one, I think of my own set of answers. Today I wrote them down. And since blogging is painfully difficult these days, this seems like a good cheating post. And so follows my interview with Gretchen Rubin, kind of:
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Alison: Right now, my Giada smile: a big fake smile that always makes me laugh. It goes with the sound, "ting!"
What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
Happiness isn't the point. Probably goodness is. But happiness is still on the list.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Wallowing. Living longer in the hard parts than is actually necessary.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Be Gretchen.") Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
"All events are neutral." That's a famous person whom I refuse to name because it will make me look Oprah-y. "It's either a good time or a good story." That's me. Both remind me that I get to be in charge of the filter.
If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).
I wish I had one. I could use one right now. I like facebook a lot...
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The happiest people I know also seem to be some of the dimmer people I know. Or at least, least reflective people I know. I wonder if they're onto something and if knowing less and reflecting less would increase happiness. Then I wonder how happy I want to be.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy - if so,why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
One time when I was in my mid-20s, I remember saying outloud, "this is as good as it gets" and being truly happy. My espoused values and my real life really, truly matched. And I had enough money. It was a sweet moment.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Working on happiness is in the same category as reducing fine lines and wrinkles for me. I want to do both but feel silly and superficial doing it. That said, I keep buying cheap night creams and fantasizing about someone buying the Almost a Facelift Supercream for me one day. And I get the HP facebook feed and do my fake Giada smile from time to time.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't - or vice versa?
I thought doing the right thing would make me happy. It turned out doing the right thing was difficult and the effort required to do said thing eclipsed any possible happiness. But it also turned out that doing the right thing was more required than me being happy and that was okay. Maybe even Good. And somewhere, deep down, Good makes me Happy.
I hope everyone will consider doing their own interview and maybe even posting it in the comments, if not right online in a facebook note, or in your own blog. This was a good excercise and given my universalism, you know if it was good for me it must be good for you.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
You Know What's Stupid?
Other people, that's what.
Oh, and me.
I got in another FB fight this week with some yahoo-kooky-lefty-commie-pinko-Christian type. You know the kind - God cares about the poor, so we should too...? Yeah, I know. We don't even disagree. All that much. But in his defence of the poor he was just kind of, I don't know, assholey. And so of course instead of just skipping right to Bejewelled Blitz, I had to interfere in his little verbal fist-fight with a Right Wing Whacko and point out that probably God cared less about the American worker than about Christians being kind to each other.
Well, YKLCPC-type decided to continue ranting and point out that I was not only wrong but also Canadian and should just take my health care and go home. Did I stay out of it at that point? No, because I'm a moron. I told him he hurt my feelings, and that maybe it's a bit gross to consider the American worker "the poor" in a global sense. He responded that I was "insensitive". And wrong.
So screw you wacko - I've got a BLOG!
Petty? yes. Right? probably not. So bothered? for shizzle.
I hate it when people disagree with me, especially about Kingdom shit. Because while I don't think any of our theology matters all that much and that it makes God kind of chuckle when we act like it does, it's all mystery, we see through a glass darkly and all that -- while I am aware of all that, in my secret heart of hearts, I am pretty sure God thinks I'm right. About all of it.
Oh dear.
And this is why I need salvation. Because my heart's desire is not that I agree with the Lord, but that the Lord agree with me. If that isn't the definition of sin, I don't know what is. And so I go back to my prayer that I came up with somewhere back there in Advent: "Lord, make me willing." That's all I've got.
Well, that and the hope that YKLCPC-type gets a message from the Lord that he's an asshole.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Clear
Initial reports: lymph nodes clear, liver clear.
Coffee and lunch and general distraction by KPH. Childcare and visiting by Auntie Cana. Dinner made by sweet Mar K - I forgot how lovely those "too bad you're sick" dinners are. I should make them for people. Phone calls from several, emails from many, kindness from all.
I remain convinced that Goodness is all around. The outcome is glad-making to be sure and perhaps a different report would change everything. But I don't think so. I think Goodness is not in the circumstance ever, but in the presence, always. The presence is the promise and it shows up in Our People. Our People are the presence and either we lean into them and practice the comfort of heaven here on earth, or we wait for the circumstance to become Good and miss it all.
I think this might be one of my truest Trues. Nothing this week changes my mind, and I can't help but think that if anything was going to erode the foundation, it would have been this week.
Coffee and lunch and general distraction by KPH. Childcare and visiting by Auntie Cana. Dinner made by sweet Mar K - I forgot how lovely those "too bad you're sick" dinners are. I should make them for people. Phone calls from several, emails from many, kindness from all.
I remain convinced that Goodness is all around. The outcome is glad-making to be sure and perhaps a different report would change everything. But I don't think so. I think Goodness is not in the circumstance ever, but in the presence, always. The presence is the promise and it shows up in Our People. Our People are the presence and either we lean into them and practice the comfort of heaven here on earth, or we wait for the circumstance to become Good and miss it all.
I think this might be one of my truest Trues. Nothing this week changes my mind, and I can't help but think that if anything was going to erode the foundation, it would have been this week.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Accidental Mass Annihilation
As most of you must know by now, I am a big fan of lowering the bar. A discipline of low expectations is the surest path to happiness I know. And Lord knows, I love a good discipline.
Now 2011 has not started off ...well. One might be tempted to say that in fact, it has started off poorly. Normally, I would say that the good news is that it can only improve, but given the facts we're dealing with, improvement in the short-term (<365 days) seems unlikely. How then to succeed?
Lower the bar!
Imagine the thrill then, when I discovered my Oxen horoscope for The Year of the Rabbit here. This is great reading, and if you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend it. However, in case you're short on time, my favourite line: "Speculating into the whole year calculation, the fortunes for the ox this year have several obstructions, it is difficult to feel smooth, you may prone to insomnia or accidental mass annihilation."
Yep! All I have to do is avoid 'accidental mass annihilation'. And if I fail, surely it is required that I too be annihilated in this accidental event?
This is probably telling you something, that this is my Good News for the day, but damn it, it is and I'm going to enjoy it.
Now 2011 has not started off ...well. One might be tempted to say that in fact, it has started off poorly. Normally, I would say that the good news is that it can only improve, but given the facts we're dealing with, improvement in the short-term (<365 days) seems unlikely. How then to succeed?
Lower the bar!
Imagine the thrill then, when I discovered my Oxen horoscope for The Year of the Rabbit here. This is great reading, and if you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend it. However, in case you're short on time, my favourite line: "Speculating into the whole year calculation, the fortunes for the ox this year have several obstructions, it is difficult to feel smooth, you may prone to insomnia or accidental mass annihilation."
Yep! All I have to do is avoid 'accidental mass annihilation'. And if I fail, surely it is required that I too be annihilated in this accidental event?
This is probably telling you something, that this is my Good News for the day, but damn it, it is and I'm going to enjoy it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Ten Days
If it had been 40 Days, I guess I could have called it a fast, right?
Ten Days. A Spiritual Discipline of Silence? Blog Silence? almost.
There were too many words for all that has happened. Keeping them untyped seemed like a requirement, not only for the reasons written in my last post, but for adequate percolation. Some thoughts have to sit still for a time to become fully thought. I think. I suppose 'percolation' and sitting still don't really work together. See, I'm getting rusty.
Also, there was also a need to remember (decide?) what this blog is about. I don't want it to be a blog about Two Moms With Cancer, because dear Lord, let my life be bigger than that. And yet obviously, surely, something must be said about having Two Moms With Cancer. Oh, the dilemma.
But, no dilemma really, because I am quick to remember that my passion is Me! So back to me!
Well first, both of our mothers have cancer. They were diagnosed within days of each other. Were you to need more details than that, I do hope you would find a way to let me know and I could find a way to let you know. It is hard not to take this turn of events personally. I realize both of our mothers believe that it is Their Event, but no, it would seem this is about Me. If it isn't in the strictest sense, you will all be heartened to know that I have done an admirable job of making it so in the most casual, yet all-consuming sense.
One thing that of course I am enjoying, is that I was right. It wasn't me then, but it is me now. And I do remember that the Good is True. So far. In fairness, the Hard isn't as hard as it's probably going to get, but it's pretty fucking hard and I can still say that there is Good. That's pretty good, right?
This is the upside to not having a personal theology that requires success as proof of God's approval, that trusts that All is Well even when most things suck. Because when things start to suck and life is looking pretty fucking dreary, there is no crisis that God is Not, that God has Failed, that God is an Asshole. There's just the reassurance that God Is and therefore All is Indeed Well.
I'll let you know how long it lasts.
Ten Days. A Spiritual Discipline of Silence? Blog Silence? almost.
There were too many words for all that has happened. Keeping them untyped seemed like a requirement, not only for the reasons written in my last post, but for adequate percolation. Some thoughts have to sit still for a time to become fully thought. I think. I suppose 'percolation' and sitting still don't really work together. See, I'm getting rusty.
Also, there was also a need to remember (decide?) what this blog is about. I don't want it to be a blog about Two Moms With Cancer, because dear Lord, let my life be bigger than that. And yet obviously, surely, something must be said about having Two Moms With Cancer. Oh, the dilemma.
But, no dilemma really, because I am quick to remember that my passion is Me! So back to me!
Well first, both of our mothers have cancer. They were diagnosed within days of each other. Were you to need more details than that, I do hope you would find a way to let me know and I could find a way to let you know. It is hard not to take this turn of events personally. I realize both of our mothers believe that it is Their Event, but no, it would seem this is about Me. If it isn't in the strictest sense, you will all be heartened to know that I have done an admirable job of making it so in the most casual, yet all-consuming sense.
One thing that of course I am enjoying, is that I was right. It wasn't me then, but it is me now. And I do remember that the Good is True. So far. In fairness, the Hard isn't as hard as it's probably going to get, but it's pretty fucking hard and I can still say that there is Good. That's pretty good, right?
This is the upside to not having a personal theology that requires success as proof of God's approval, that trusts that All is Well even when most things suck. Because when things start to suck and life is looking pretty fucking dreary, there is no crisis that God is Not, that God has Failed, that God is an Asshole. There's just the reassurance that God Is and therefore All is Indeed Well.
I'll let you know how long it lasts.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Not My Story
I am feeling stymied these days. There is much to write and process. My mind comes up with seventeen blog titles a day. Probably I could come up with at least one post out all of those, right?
The difficulty is that my brain is stuck on one channel, and none of the content is my material. Now, I'm not afraid of a little plagiarism or copyright infringement to be sure. However, telling this story crosses a line, even for me. While there is lots I would like to be writing down and keeping track of here, the nuts and bolts, the day-to-day, the Everything Else... it all belongs to Someone Else.
This makes it difficult to be me. Or at least to be me a Me Who Blogs.
For now.
I expect to find a way around this soon. Until then, maybe I'll have to go back to writing in private. Because I miss this place.
The difficulty is that my brain is stuck on one channel, and none of the content is my material. Now, I'm not afraid of a little plagiarism or copyright infringement to be sure. However, telling this story crosses a line, even for me. While there is lots I would like to be writing down and keeping track of here, the nuts and bolts, the day-to-day, the Everything Else... it all belongs to Someone Else.
This makes it difficult to be me. Or at least to be me a Me Who Blogs.
For now.
I expect to find a way around this soon. Until then, maybe I'll have to go back to writing in private. Because I miss this place.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Got Change?
One thing that is tricky is knowing when change is permanent and when change is temporary.
My faith story includes a turn in the road where Everything Changed and that Change has remained. And while I am mostly sure it will remain, I can't be sure. But really, I'm pretty sure.
This week has brought some big shit. The kind where I think we'll look back and go, Wow, that was when it all changed. Granted, I get that the more things change, the more they stay the same, so there will be lots that is just as it's always been. But it feels like some kind of core thing has been adjusted or moved or tweaked.
One "symtom" of said adjustment is a certain new quietness in my soul where not all that long was a static-y inteference. Maybe like I've finally tuned my radio to CBC Radio 3 properly - stringed harmonies where grating white noise once lived. Right now it's playing out in my space with SJ, where it feels just a little less urgent to make it clear that I'm Right in any given moment; where there's a willingness to wait a beat longer.
We haven't been married forever, but we've been married long enough that we know no season is permanent. But is it dumb to hope that this newly tuned radio stays tuned? I don't mind the odd commercial break, but if it was Clear when it was clear, that would be really, really great. It would be an 'and' in this story of ours.*
We'll see I guess. Truly, this is a time when only time will tell. I think if I turn into the kind of person who prays for things, I'm going to pray for this one to stick.
*My Theology of And: If "everything happens for a reason", then the bad things that happen are proof that God's an asshole because surely the Almighty could come up with a better way of making things happen than the many and varied Bad Things that good people must endure. However, if God is indeed Good All The Time, and All Things Work For Good, then we can believe in Ands. As in, "This Bad Thing happened and I saw this Good too because our God is resourceful and made a silk purse out of this pig's ear." So much more bearable than "This Bad Thing Happened so that I could see this Good." Make sense?
My faith story includes a turn in the road where Everything Changed and that Change has remained. And while I am mostly sure it will remain, I can't be sure. But really, I'm pretty sure.
This week has brought some big shit. The kind where I think we'll look back and go, Wow, that was when it all changed. Granted, I get that the more things change, the more they stay the same, so there will be lots that is just as it's always been. But it feels like some kind of core thing has been adjusted or moved or tweaked.
One "symtom" of said adjustment is a certain new quietness in my soul where not all that long was a static-y inteference. Maybe like I've finally tuned my radio to CBC Radio 3 properly - stringed harmonies where grating white noise once lived. Right now it's playing out in my space with SJ, where it feels just a little less urgent to make it clear that I'm Right in any given moment; where there's a willingness to wait a beat longer.
We haven't been married forever, but we've been married long enough that we know no season is permanent. But is it dumb to hope that this newly tuned radio stays tuned? I don't mind the odd commercial break, but if it was Clear when it was clear, that would be really, really great. It would be an 'and' in this story of ours.*
We'll see I guess. Truly, this is a time when only time will tell. I think if I turn into the kind of person who prays for things, I'm going to pray for this one to stick.
*My Theology of And: If "everything happens for a reason", then the bad things that happen are proof that God's an asshole because surely the Almighty could come up with a better way of making things happen than the many and varied Bad Things that good people must endure. However, if God is indeed Good All The Time, and All Things Work For Good, then we can believe in Ands. As in, "This Bad Thing happened and I saw this Good too because our God is resourceful and made a silk purse out of this pig's ear." So much more bearable than "This Bad Thing Happened so that I could see this Good." Make sense?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Imagining Good is Hard
When I was preparing for marriage and maybe panicking a tiny bit about my capacity to do all that I imagined marriage would require, I got given wise words from a wise friend. She sat across from me and said something like this: Any moron can imagine the hard parts. But not even the smartest one can know the good parts until you live them.
She was a lot more eloquent and most certainly more gentle, but I've carried that with me ever since. It only takes a very small amount of imagination to visit the Tragic, the Impossible, the Too Hard. But one of the wonders of this life is how hidden the I Had No Idea! and This Is Amazing! are. Sometimes we can do some hoping and some wondering, but those moments are nowhere near as vivid or accurate as our dark certainties.
The last few days have provided ample opportunity to visit the rooms where the Dark Stuff is packed. But I am working hard to remember that those aren't the only rooms in this house. Some of these rooms hold Regular Normal things and probably boxes and boxes of The Mundane. And there is every possibility that one or two may be hiding some Sweetness or Lovely. I'm not going to try to imagine their contents exactly, but I'm going to believe that they will make themselves known in the days and weeks ahead.
I'll let you know what we find.
She was a lot more eloquent and most certainly more gentle, but I've carried that with me ever since. It only takes a very small amount of imagination to visit the Tragic, the Impossible, the Too Hard. But one of the wonders of this life is how hidden the I Had No Idea! and This Is Amazing! are. Sometimes we can do some hoping and some wondering, but those moments are nowhere near as vivid or accurate as our dark certainties.
The last few days have provided ample opportunity to visit the rooms where the Dark Stuff is packed. But I am working hard to remember that those aren't the only rooms in this house. Some of these rooms hold Regular Normal things and probably boxes and boxes of The Mundane. And there is every possibility that one or two may be hiding some Sweetness or Lovely. I'm not going to try to imagine their contents exactly, but I'm going to believe that they will make themselves known in the days and weeks ahead.
I'll let you know what we find.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Power Failure
Today was the first full day of The Terrible Thing. I think we did admirably, all things considered.
SJ accompanied his parents to The Appointment where the details were filled in (and can be provided under separate cover if you are a person who would benefit from said details). He took notes and asked questions and just plain sonned. He collected the information and followed up and updated his siblings. He's being really, really great.
He and his parents came back here for lunch and we lunched and chatted and reviewed and made sure to remember all the places where Hope lives. We considered options and detours and possibilities, at least all the safe and not-too-scary ones. We had tea and donuts and wondered if the dog had truly been the first to know.
And then they left.
And we realized that The First Day wasn't going to be The Last Day. That we're going to have to do all the days in between. That we're going to have to share all the days in between with other people who will have different ideas and different needs and different plans and Hopes and Fears. And that most of all of that is actually just going to look like a lot of Waiting.
Waiting is not so much a super-valued lifeskill. Actually, T's "Oh The Places You'll Go" book kind of frowns on it and implies that the waiting-arounders are foolhardy life-wasters. Wait-ers are people who aren't using their power, who aren't getting things done.
But I think the Waiting is going to be where the glory is this time around - it seems quite certain that we are not going to enjoying a lot of power-full. Getting good at living well while waiting could be our best hope. If waiting is just the thing we hate and resent, we're going to end up pretty hateful and resenting when all is said and done and lord knows we'll have enough reason for that as it is. But if Waiting is the place where we linger, I wonder if maybe Jesus doesn't hang out there? I mean, I get Jesus is probably going to be fairly easy to find in the days ahead, but I bet hanging out with him while we Wait could be... well, a good thing.
So we're going to be the kind of people who ask for prayers. At least I am. We want to meet Jesus in the Waiting Room and we want him to do that thing where everyone knows he's there even if they don't know it's him. You know what I mean?
SJ accompanied his parents to The Appointment where the details were filled in (and can be provided under separate cover if you are a person who would benefit from said details). He took notes and asked questions and just plain sonned. He collected the information and followed up and updated his siblings. He's being really, really great.
He and his parents came back here for lunch and we lunched and chatted and reviewed and made sure to remember all the places where Hope lives. We considered options and detours and possibilities, at least all the safe and not-too-scary ones. We had tea and donuts and wondered if the dog had truly been the first to know.
And then they left.
And we realized that The First Day wasn't going to be The Last Day. That we're going to have to do all the days in between. That we're going to have to share all the days in between with other people who will have different ideas and different needs and different plans and Hopes and Fears. And that most of all of that is actually just going to look like a lot of Waiting.
Waiting is not so much a super-valued lifeskill. Actually, T's "Oh The Places You'll Go" book kind of frowns on it and implies that the waiting-arounders are foolhardy life-wasters. Wait-ers are people who aren't using their power, who aren't getting things done.
But I think the Waiting is going to be where the glory is this time around - it seems quite certain that we are not going to enjoying a lot of power-full. Getting good at living well while waiting could be our best hope. If waiting is just the thing we hate and resent, we're going to end up pretty hateful and resenting when all is said and done and lord knows we'll have enough reason for that as it is. But if Waiting is the place where we linger, I wonder if maybe Jesus doesn't hang out there? I mean, I get Jesus is probably going to be fairly easy to find in the days ahead, but I bet hanging out with him while we Wait could be... well, a good thing.
So we're going to be the kind of people who ask for prayers. At least I am. We want to meet Jesus in the Waiting Room and we want him to do that thing where everyone knows he's there even if they don't know it's him. You know what I mean?
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Now What?
I've always thought I'd be well-suited to be having a marching band accompanying me through life. When I'm out with just one kid, I want a t-shirt that says I HAVE TWO! I remember walking through the mall the day after the last day of high school, thinking everyone should know I'M DONE! It seems like a marching band would be effective at keeping people in the know, that Life Is Happening! To Me! Right Now!
Today the song would be something catchy about Holy Hell, It Is! One of our people has moved from afraid they will have to be afraid to straight up afraid. And so we move into it with them.
I am struck by how slow and fast life goes. The process to get us here is has been snail's pace. Long delays, misdiagnoses, inconclusive tests. But then one test concludes and in 24 hours there is An Appointment. Treatment. Fear. Suddenly, it's too fast. We're not ready. We need about 10 to 15 years actually.
So now we... do what? I guess we just do what's next. But I'm on the hunt for a marching band. Because Life Is Happening! To Us! Right Now!
Fuck.
Today the song would be something catchy about Holy Hell, It Is! One of our people has moved from afraid they will have to be afraid to straight up afraid. And so we move into it with them.
I am struck by how slow and fast life goes. The process to get us here is has been snail's pace. Long delays, misdiagnoses, inconclusive tests. But then one test concludes and in 24 hours there is An Appointment. Treatment. Fear. Suddenly, it's too fast. We're not ready. We need about 10 to 15 years actually.
So now we... do what? I guess we just do what's next. But I'm on the hunt for a marching band. Because Life Is Happening! To Us! Right Now!
Fuck.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Extended Family
One thing that's really smart is not to rely on just one person. Namely me.
Our families of origin are quite disimilar. His is reliable, solid, and dependable. Self-contained. Mine is flakey, a bit hit-or-miss but hilarious. And whatever the opposite of self-contained is. Maybe like a yogurt container with the lid not quite on right that has just fallen out of the fridge from the top shelf. That's kind of what we're like.
His family (and him) you want in an emergency, if you need to know what to do next. Mine you want if you crave yogurt. Or inappropriate humour.
Therefore, he married me and I married him and now we have between us an almost ideal set-up.
I'm not sure how he figured out he needed the yogurt, but I knew for shizzle that I needed the dependable and I knew further still that when your own family is lacking, the best option is to import. My whole growing up was an import-export business disguised as Aunties and Uncles.
Tonight, we had dinner with our closest not-family-but-who-are-we-kidding-they-are-family-now friends on my parents' side. As we tried to figure out who had the easiest life and therefore ought to clear the table, it became clear that all of us were living with dishes-excusing-hard-things (Scott is dependable though, so he just did it anyway despite his own Good Reason Not To). And knowing that all of us knew about each other's crap and that each of us were counting on the others' love and friendship to get through what is ahead (seeing as how we'd been with each other with the crap that has already passed), I realized that I am really glad that I learned to import (and hopefully export) and that already our little family has collected it's own people.
Because as great as my people are, they're not enough people for all of what life brings. We need more people, and I'm so thankful for the people we've got, that they're part of The Family.
Our families of origin are quite disimilar. His is reliable, solid, and dependable. Self-contained. Mine is flakey, a bit hit-or-miss but hilarious. And whatever the opposite of self-contained is. Maybe like a yogurt container with the lid not quite on right that has just fallen out of the fridge from the top shelf. That's kind of what we're like.
His family (and him) you want in an emergency, if you need to know what to do next. Mine you want if you crave yogurt. Or inappropriate humour.
Therefore, he married me and I married him and now we have between us an almost ideal set-up.
I'm not sure how he figured out he needed the yogurt, but I knew for shizzle that I needed the dependable and I knew further still that when your own family is lacking, the best option is to import. My whole growing up was an import-export business disguised as Aunties and Uncles.
Tonight, we had dinner with our closest not-family-but-who-are-we-kidding-they-are-family-now friends on my parents' side. As we tried to figure out who had the easiest life and therefore ought to clear the table, it became clear that all of us were living with dishes-excusing-hard-things (Scott is dependable though, so he just did it anyway despite his own Good Reason Not To). And knowing that all of us knew about each other's crap and that each of us were counting on the others' love and friendship to get through what is ahead (seeing as how we'd been with each other with the crap that has already passed), I realized that I am really glad that I learned to import (and hopefully export) and that already our little family has collected it's own people.
Because as great as my people are, they're not enough people for all of what life brings. We need more people, and I'm so thankful for the people we've got, that they're part of The Family.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Day One
As I've mentioned, there is more than one person in my life who is currently facing Holy Hell I Hope Not. Today the list got added to by one. So be it.
But it has me thinking about how the Big Moments never arrive that way. How you kind of have to look back in time to find the spot where Life Changed and how you didn't really know it at the time. How regular everything was at the beginning of it becoming terrible.
Because there is no for sure that it will turn out terrible. Fear dances with Hope at the beginning and it's not altogether clear who's leading. And it makes me think that in the daily living of life, the value of practicing Hope is that when Day One of HHIHN arrives, a person is so well-practiced at Hope that there is plenty of room for Probably Not and If So, We'll Do That Too. Because Hope has become big enough for whatever journey is ahead.
I think at least two of my HHIHN people are good Hopers and their initial peace and good humour in these early days of wondering speaks to their previous practice of looking for the All Is Well through the mundane and regular.
I'm glad I got to learn from them.
But it has me thinking about how the Big Moments never arrive that way. How you kind of have to look back in time to find the spot where Life Changed and how you didn't really know it at the time. How regular everything was at the beginning of it becoming terrible.
Because there is no for sure that it will turn out terrible. Fear dances with Hope at the beginning and it's not altogether clear who's leading. And it makes me think that in the daily living of life, the value of practicing Hope is that when Day One of HHIHN arrives, a person is so well-practiced at Hope that there is plenty of room for Probably Not and If So, We'll Do That Too. Because Hope has become big enough for whatever journey is ahead.
I think at least two of my HHIHN people are good Hopers and their initial peace and good humour in these early days of wondering speaks to their previous practice of looking for the All Is Well through the mundane and regular.
I'm glad I got to learn from them.
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