When Moisturizer Goes Wrong

So I'm having some major safety issues. As in, I have no idea what is safe. This was not so much of a problem when she was wee and mostly immobile but with her new-found exploring mobility, we are finding ourselves in a heap of trouble.

This morning, our first call to Poison Control. I thought the tube of moisturizer was a safe play thing. In fact, it keeps her hands busy during most diaper changes. So she's playing away with it while I put something away in the kitchen and when I turn around next, the top is off and she's got a big smear of moisturizer across her lip. She seems happy enough and she's not making "I've got icky lotion in my mouth" faces, but who knows right? So I grab the bottle and read the back to see if I should be worried and right there on the back in bold no less, "Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center immediately."

Okay, so I'm a bit concerned, but mostly not really because it's a product made to be spread all over a baby's body and surely the makers realize that it's going to make it to a baby's mouth eventually, so probably it's not straight up poison. But just to be safe I'll call. Sure enough, the lady on the other end of the phone has a nice giggle and we agree together that the oats are just a bit more breakfast this morning and no harm, no foul.

Mostly, I think about how I'll tell this story on my blog.

But then slowly, I start thinking, "My God. You're going to kill her."

I would say on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm about an 8 when it comes to fear about my own personal safety. I don't like skiing or bicycle riding or roller blading because I can't stop and I'm afraid of getting hurt stopping against a very unyielding object. I, of course, am terrified of fire but mostly of getting burned. I can not jump off diving boards higher than about 18 inches off the surface of the water.

However, with my daughter, I am fearless. Sure she can climb up a lawn chair. No problem, playing with my hair dryer cord. Want to try climbing up into the playhouse out back - give 'er. Scott doesn't want her playing in the dishwasher because he sees it is unsafe - knives, dishwasher soap, to say nothing of gross dried up food items. But me, I think "fun exploring".

I think maybe in my desperation to not have a daughter paralyzed by fear as I believe myself to be, I may be exposing her to inappropriate risk. This becomes its own terrification for me.

Parenting is a funny gig if you're even halfway paying attention, in that it seems to be a constant balancing of my issues against her issues-to-be. Right now the questions are about safety, but soon they'll be about respectfulness of others or self-esteem or community action and each time it will require seeing who I am and who I wish I was and somehow balancing that against who she is and not imposing who I wish she was. Because surely that's the most dangerous thing: trying to raise her to be who I wish I was.

Crawling Home

Six days home and I still feel like we just got back. I think that's a good sign, a lingering holiday feeling. Talia returned to 'normal', whatever today's definition of that is, within a day so that feels extra lucky. I think she's wondering what happened to all the people though. Every morning she wakes up and looks very hopefully out her bedroom door, pointing to where she thinks the action is and saying "Doh?" Not sure what it means, but I think it's something like "more fun out there?"

The timing of this holiday (March instead of January) is kind of nice - we left in winter and came back in spring. Scott limed the lawn this week and is heading out to prepare the beds for planting. Hosta heads are peeking through the soil, next to the deep red peony beginnings. Our mostly dead maple is being a tiny bit alive and I got to show T. the budding leaves - her first Spring moment! I'll post some photos of the garden next time I guess, to match this post. But for now, a few last pictures from Hawaii, for the record.

Aloha Addiction

Yes, this lifestyle is easy to get used to. Wake, eat, swim, read, eat, read, eat, eat, sleep. Probably I should swim more. Talia does indeed love all the swimming and is doing a formidable job of going, going, going, despite perhaps inadequate rest.

Scott would be resting better if there weren't irrigation systems being set up everywhere he looks, reminding him of the work that awaits him when he gets home. A bit of a drag, but I'm trying to keep him clear of that as much as possible. And making sprinkler jokes when I can remember. You'd be surprised how few sprinkler jokes there are though. If you know any, please pass them along.

We are also slowly coming to terms with the truth that a holiday is not so much a holiday once a baby is invited to join in. There is no holiday from her, God bless her. This should not be bad news and probably long-term it isn't, but this morning after another too short sleep both Scott and I are wondering why we brought her. Or if maybe she could just stay at another hotel for a few nights so that we can actually rest. If I'm going to be tired and cranky with a tired and cranky husband, I guess this is probably a really nice place to be.

How wrong is it to complain about 10 day in Hawaii?

Okay, so now just more photos and maybe a video or two for fun too. I mean, there is fun here.

And yes, I am on this vacation... even though this pains me.

But we must end on a cute note, musn't we?

Aloha Two!

Another day (or two) in paradise. We have had a great stretch of weather so far - 80ish with sun and then hazy afternoons just when you think maybe you should be heading inside to get out of the sun. T. is loving the beach and sand and ocean and pool - quite the water baby our girl. She and Scott play together all day, except when she's being mad about trying for a nap. Happily she remains happy, even being underslept. I guess she figures there will be lots of rainy days for sleeping when we get home. Clever girl.

And one last video. Of her pining for her grandmother. All she talks about really... 'Where's Grandma?' All damned day.

Aloha!

I won't bore you with VacationLand stories, but suffice to say we are all here in one piece and enjoying hot sun and good friends. Love it! T. did well on the plane - not quite as much sleeping as I had hoped, but happy anyway. She's still a bit off on the sleep front but seems to love the holiday lifestyle as much as we do. Especially with all the fun attention and people everywhere. A few images from the first day of play (1. "that's me! in the window!" 2. this makes it a much better boat when dad drives it 3. T. and Auntie Kathy doing a tour).

Why We Should Babyproof

The photo is a bit underexposed, saying a bit more about the dark, seedy underbelly that is home for young Talia Grace. This photo will probably be used in her tell-all book about being underloved from her very beginnings. Is it bad that I still haven't moved the booze off the shelf though? I keep thinking I'll have new shelving to store it in one of these days, so why bother moving it now?? Poor thing. What will I do if she figures out how to unscrew the tops?

Happily, this photo also means that we are back home after our 2 weeks at Grandma & Poppa's. It was a nice time with them and I think T. is now wondering where all the people are. Good news - in 3 sleeps we'll be with lots of people again when we get to Hawaii with Terry and Chelsea. Jan Q. will be there and of course, our wonderful hosts Pete & Kathy will be there too. Our little extrovert will be in her element!

Scott is finishing up the bathroom and had a helper this week:


The bathroom looks fabulous I think. Well worth the exile. Cute Talia though is a bit dad-crazy after all the separation and wouldn't leave Scott alone while he worked. Would whine any time I moved her away. It was too cute and I do love their sweet little world.

There is probably lots more to write but I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry, so this will have to do for now. More later, unless I'm too busy getting a sunburn on the beach...

A.

Holding Patterns

Waiting is hard work. It is taxing and tiring and just plain beats the sh*t out of me. I am bundles of nervous energy, bouncing around our life with no direction, no purpose, no focus - just boing, boing, boing all day and unfortunately, all night. My daughter finally starts sleeping through the night more than once a week and I am now up for hours at a time. Oh the injustice.

This process of waiting for the work situation to be resolved is arduous to be sure, but feels necessary too, which makes it a bit more possible. I have good friends who are taking my "side" and who can laugh with me through this anguish and I have good resources who are being generous with their guidance and support. I'm not sure if I needed more proof that God provides, but just in case, here it is.

In the meantime, Talia is just being more and more of herself. This week was a busy one - the nursery and the SuperBowl on Sunday, Belated Robbie Burns dinner on Monday, Roots of Empathy on Tuesday and a doctor's appointment today to figure out her funny rash, which it seems is actually ecsema (sp??).



My favourite was the Roots of Empathy. We visit with a Grade 3 class at Gleneagles School and the students are encouraged to learn emotional literacy and empathy by watching Talia and engaging with her through play and songs. She totally loves it - I put her on the green blanket and she takes off to go investigate all the new faces and shoelaces. She is delighted by all the new toys but has a special love for Dolly, a life-like babydoll that she will actually lie down and cuddle with. It's a fun first, to watch our daughter in 'public' being herself and just plain loving the self that she is. There is a boy in the class who probably has some behavioural issues and had much of the instructor's attention. He was leaning towards full disruption, but Talia kept crawling towards him, and would sit and stare at him and just seemed to like him. By the end, he was playing peek-a-boo with her and was clearly pleased as punch to have been singled out for her attention. A good reminder that we aren't born with our social filters developed enough to squint at the odd ones in the world.

In this last photo taken yesterday, I got a glimpse of Auntie Katie. I leave you with it - she should be so lucky to have hint o'Katie about her all her life.

Confessions of a Broken Mother

I'm not sure if my mother option is broken. More like I am realizing (again) that I remain a very broken person who now also has to mother and that can be a bit of a bad combination. Unavoidable perhaps but undesirable too.

There is a 'situation' at work that perhaps I will write more about once it is resolved. For now, suffice it to say that any situation triggers my anxiety and this one triggers it times about 17 or so. I don't remember this kind of stomach-churning, obsessive-thinking, disordered anxiety since the Engagement Fiasco of 2002. All by itself, it's an upsetting weakness to live with and I am always surprised to find out that it still lurks so close to the surface.

So anxiety-ridden I am, but now I have this sweet young thing living with me who requires lots of care and attention. I know this. I know that the situation is going to be resolved one way or the other and I know there is not much to be done about it and that life must continue to be lived. I know that life for me right now means loving Talia Grace - feeding her, playing with her, singing with her, keeping an eye on her, teaching her the words to Jimmy Buffet hits. And yet...

And yet, I find myself staring off into space while she crawls around the house playing by herself. I find myself holding her distractedly while I ruminate again on my hard-done-by-ness. No songs, no books, no laughing, no games... just bleak me.

Yuck. Just masses and masses of yuck.

She's only 8 months old and already she has to live with her mother's mental illness, already she pays the price for my brokenness. Somehow, I thought I would be better than this, that I would be able to keep this part of me to myself so that she wouldn't have to have it be something she needs to cope with. But holy hell, I just can't stop. And of course, if someone else was telling me this story, I would giggle at their silly optimism but it's not someone else, it's ME and I know better. I knew this was a possibility and I knew I would be ready for it and I knew that I would NOT expose her to this.

Ha.

In the meantime, she thrives away. She is a total furniture surfer and makes her way around our entire house with ease, climbing up when she can and crawling between holds. She is very persistent (see Karen, it's written down!) when trying to get somewhere or something. Today she was playing (and I use the term loosely) with Sam next door and wanted to check out his ride-on-train. He was less interested in being checked out, and backed away from my crawling daughter who realized what was happening and burst into tears, crawling all the time. Perhaps she thought she would distract him with her tears and get him to stop?? Manipulating the boys already?? It's a possibility I suppose. Mostly it still makes me smirk that she gets so annoyed but I imagine that the cute will eventually wear off and I'll be writing one of these days about her her willfullness bringing me down.

Also fun is her learning names for things. She definitely knows who her monkey is and is happy to give him a shake if asked where Monkey is. She knows certain games and will smile with anticipation when she knows the funny part is coming. She has big smiles for Daddy any time he walks through a door and would spend all day, every day with him if she could. She definitely knows Grandma too and is thrilled to see her time after time. It's fun to see her recognize the people in her life - Uncle Andrew and Auntie Anna are definitely always welcomed and I think probably more people than that, but then it gets hard to differentiate between her knowing people and her just being really social and glad to see any smiling face.

I will stop here. Life at this moment is noted. All will be well. Probably.

Who Will She Be?

I wonder this a lot - who is emerging? Who is she going to be? What will she love to do? How will she live in the world? This is one of the lovely parts of parenting - watching her come into herself. At 7 and a half months, she is still so much a mystery (as I'm sure she will always remain, at least to some extent) but she gives us hints every once in a while.

Like watching her get around, I wonder if she's going to be so physically capable all the time? Is it my own unfulfilled desire for athleticism that is attributing prowess to her young self? She is so good at moving around, but more than that, at solving getting-around problems with her little body. Looking at the available surfaces around her and figuring out how to use them to get to where she wants to go - I think it's amazing.


She also very people-oriented, and seems to love being around faces. Small faces are her favourite but anyone smiling at her will do. She has an easy smile for just about anyone but also has a streak of fickle running through her that is always a surprise and always with surprising people like my dad, or Brian or Terry. Hmm... all men who adore her. Is that a problem?

What else? She is very funny still - you may recall I thought she was funny in utero and darned if she isn't still cracking me up. She gets an impish grin when she thinks she's fooling with me and had great fun psyching out a friend by extending a toy then pulling it away and then laughing and laughing...

She is probably a bit clever too I think. Clever as in, seems to understand that "stop" means... well, stop. She will indeed stop and look over at me and often change paths (like when she's heading for the fireplace, for example). However, she is also clever as in, "I stopped everytime when she was looking at me but now she has turned away so I will quickly climb up the kitchen drawers - she didn't say to stop forever!"

Now of course, I realize that I have yet again exposed my first-time-parentitis, perhaps reading in a tiny bit more into her ways than is reasonable. But I did want to write them down so that I can see how close we are as she emerges more fully over the years ahead.

What is for sure, is that she is lovely, lovely, lovely and everyday we are surprised again that we were given the best one.

Splish Splash

So first time out at the pool - quite fun! Scotty was in charge of the dipping part and I did the changing and the photography.


She was initially a bit clingy with Dad, but mostly because of the noise I think - the pool is quite echo-y. But it didn't take long for her to get into her groove and try out all of her previously-in-the bath-only moves. Lots of kicking and duck-chasing mostly. She also got dunked a few times and seemed none the worse for it. She is clearly her father's daughter, not at all fazed by the change in water temperature going from the family hot tub to the pool and back a couple of times.



She also succeeded in charming the pants off of several old ladies in the dressing room. Well, they may have already been pant-less but she was charming nonetheless.



Now I'm madly looking up 'how to teach your baby to swim' online so that we can be a bit more productive next time out. And hopefully next time out, Mummy will join in the fun too!


And now for the post-swim sleep effect - fingers crossed!

Some Talia Concert For You

I'm not sure if this is really singing per se, but it's what we call singing in our house these days. Adding the percussion was a new trick today. Maybe I'll buy her a tambourine next. Our sweet girl is being a pleasure these last few days and we sure enjoy it!

New Year, New Moves

I think this falls under the category of "Only First-Time Parents" - we just can't help ourselves from seeing what she can do. So of course we're pretending she is learning to walk. Of course we help teach her to climb up every piece of furniture we have. It's just so darned fun to watch.

Also a bit tricky to live with though.

But first, the fun (happy news - I learned how to flip my video so you don't have to look at it all sideways now!):

The outfit makes me laugh, watching it again - poor girl. But it was end of the day, and we had already burned through one pair of matching pants that maybe didn't make her legs look so... less long than her torso. Again, poor girl. I will try to dress her better for future shoots.

In addition to these wobbly steps, we has recently learned to pull herself up on furniture, as modeled here:

I don't know if anyone else can see the hint of evil intent in her eyes, but she definitely is enjoying her new power and the attention it gets her. Mostly because inattention has cost her a blow to the head or two. For the second time in a month, Andrew has come rushing upstairs to make sure his niece is not unconscious after hearing the unmistakable thud of her head hitting the floor. I like to believe this is teaching her balance, but so far no one else is buying it.

Of course, now that she can pull herself up around the house, there is no reason not to do so everywhere, at anytime. Like say for instance, in her crib at bedtime. Last night Mum and Dad were babysitting and I had promised an easy bedtime. However, when we got home, Mum had that "We're such good grandparents" smirk on her face that hints at a story to be told. Indeed, young Talia had done all of her evening stuff with grandma as she always does: a bowl full of rice (no choking hazards when grandma is doing the feeding!), some playtime, a story and a bottle. A song, some tucking in, and sleep will follow. Unless a grand-daughter decides that she would rather flip herself over and climb up the side of the crib. For the first time. Several times. Happily, Poppa got there right as Mum's back was giving out from leaning over the crib and he finally convinced her that it was indeed bedtime.

So a new addition to our bedtime routine is returning to the room about 10 minutes or so later and tucking her back in and reminding her that it is time to sleep... she is not convinced, and we find her sleeping at odd locations in the crib but she does finally sleep so all's not lost. Yet.

Finally a photo of her latest look - this is her snorting laugh face. It's over-exposed, so you can't really see the nose snorted up, but the teeth bared is a key element. I will try to capture the sound effects on video soon, but for the time being I leave you with this.

So Merry, So Lovely, So Done

Christmas Day with Daddy

I will confess to being a tiny bit... grinchy? about Christmas. Or more specifically, about the pressure of "Talia's First Christmas" and the feeling that every tradition we are ever going to include had to start this year.

However, by the weekend before Christmas, I was oddly over it and instead enjoying being in the midst of my favourite things. On Saturday night, Brian and Anna came up for drinks. Candles were lit and Christmas music was playing and I have no idea what we talked about but I know I had that quiet, "This is Christmas" feeling in my heart. They are those dreamy in-laws that you hear about but never truly believe exist - people you'd want to be friends with if you didn't have the good fortune to be related to them. So nice.

Scott was working Sunday, so that morning I went down to Melissa and Dave's to have brunch with them and the Haugland family. Karen was collecting baking items to take on their own traditional Cookie Drop on the Downtown Eastside and I managed to have something to donate this year. Dave had made Nutella and Banana French Toast and it was DEE-licious. But mostly it was nice to be with these long-time friends and watch all of our kids playing (someone pointed out that Talia is Josh's MiniMe, sharing the same coif as they do) and find it surprisingly rest-full - that rest that comes when you catch yourself not having to try at being I think.

That night around 9pm little hands were knocking on our door which we opened to discover young Chanida with a present for us from Uncle Terry. A quick visit with our Lambkin neighbours turned into rum and eggnog with Andy and again, it was another friend making us glad to have something to share for yet another taste of Christmas.

On Christmas Eve, Mark and Heidi came over with Lael for our traditional Christmas Eve Brunch, something we have done together most of the last 5 years. Multiplying our pleasure was the arrival of Terry and Chelsea with the very latest photos of Inutero Crawford looking awfully cute at 18 weeks. We managed to convince them to stay and eat and I will tell you that having some of my favourite people gathered around the table is the deepest gladness I know. By noon, they were all on their way but the Spirit of Christmas remained, reminding me why we like this tradition so much.

And then our new tradition began. Andrew, Talia and I loaded into the car (with enough gear to get us through to her second birthday I think) to catch the 3:30 ferry to Langdale. The Caldwell Family Christmas was being held at Hopkins, a Rolston cabin that we spent many a holiday in as we were growing up. Katie, Jared, Mum & Dad had already been there for a day and had decked the halls with boughs of cedar and berries and jingle bells. It was like a storybook for me I think, but I couldn't tell you why exactly. Just what I needed though.

For the next three days, we ate good food and drank Caesars and told stories and opened stockings and watched A Muppet's Christmas Carol and walked on the beach and lost the dog and just enjoyed being family together. Scott was working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day nights, and I missed him a lot more than I had intended. Happily, he was able to spend most of Christmas Day and all of Boxing Day night with us and had a taste of the wonder.

Talia celebrated Christmas by crawling on hands and knees for the first time. She had a very appreciative audience but does seem to prefer dragging herself forward on her belly for the time being.

At almost 7 months, I must tell you that she remains a delight. She is very mobile on her belly but vastly prefers being upright, holding on to something. She is still figuring out how to get herself standing and Scott and I will probably regret encouraging her to do so, but it is so fun to watch her puzzling it out. I am sure she is just weeks away from being able to pull herself around the living room and we will have to remove the many, many hazards we have collected over the years.

She laughs a lot, but I'm often not clear on what it is that is cracking her up. She has also started singing. I'm not sure what else to call it - long 'aahhs' changing pitch all the time. We often will do duets and she will happily sing to almost any tune. She is keen on books and stories and still loves the wooden ring toy from Uncle Brian. She is starting to find peek-a-boo amusing which also means that she finds it less amusing to be left alone. I console myself knowing this is a short phase but wonder when I will stop saying "Mummy's right here" every time I pee...

I think that is all I have to type about Christmas. 2008 looms, full of new things I know! What joy...

Auntie Katie's Here!

And Uncle Jared too! they arrived today and got greeted by T. Her very first airport trip I think, and I'm sure it was all she had dreamed it would be. We went out for lunch to the Flying Beaver and she sat in a highchair and ate her banana and rice cakes that I had carefully packed in ziplock bags, along with her bib and a washcloth.

And it hit me: Holy shit. We have a baby.

Every once in a while it just sneaks up on me, you know?

The Good, the Bad & the Broccoli

Adventures in baby food continue. Broccoli on Thursday night and roasted sweet potato on Saturday night and rice with pear and a banana tonight. We went back to plain because while Sweet T did indeed LOOoove the broccoli and the sweet potatoes, both nights after she ate them, she slept really poorly, waking at 10ish quite inconsolable and quite unlike herself. I do not know for certain of course, whether or not the foods and the sleep are connected, but I think we will back off nonetheless.

I am also confused about how much she should be eating, and how often and feel like this is just one new area of parenting that I am fucking up. Friday, I half-heartedly tried giving her some rice cereal and some banana after the broccoli fiasco but she didn't eat it and I didn't try later cause I was busy doing something else like watching TV or something. The tonight she ate TONS and I hadn't offered anything all day... again, a combination of lazy and afraid after last night.

Oh well, we'll just keep on keeping on and see what happens. But she does love that broccoli...